Quarantined with homophobic parents? Flatten the hate.
by Ray Mwareya
“My mum loudly prays every day that I’ll be delivered from sin and find a wife.” For countless LGBTQIA youths, this pandemic proves an incredibly grim time to be stuck with parents who mentally abuse them.
My heart goes out to the children back under their mom and dad’s roof. What a torturous time these people must be having to be told daily they are a sin with no chance of recourse. I see on social media that people are so busy filming home workouts, and holding online parties, that they don’t realise there are millions of young people struggling to stay alive in front of their parents right now. Not because of the Coronavirus, but because of their sexuality.
If a parent believes someone they care about (you, their child) is going to be burned alive “in hell” by an omnipotent megalomaniac for loving someone of the same gender, unfortunately as a child it can make logical and emotional sense (within that framework) to do everything possible to “fix” them. But don’t rush to revenge, you only damage your emotions further. This is also how shame and guilt is formed, leading to depression, low self-esteem, etc.
First let me make it clear: It is so sad, dogmatic religious beliefs are often the cause of parents’ ignorance in cases like LGBTQIA children. Now just think if your parents hated you because of who you loved, maybe COVID-19 is not so nice to be in quarantine with them.
But events of life are not so straightforward. Before COVID-19, many LGBTQIA youth were being self-sufficient, working and earning in a career that allowed them to live independently from homophobic parents. Suddenly public gatherings are banned and the only choice left is to move in with your 60-year-old-parents or find yourself sleeping under a motorway bridge or homeless dormitory. This is a hard situation, just like millions of children and women trapped in domestic abuse situations. And even if COVID-19 stops in coming months, and you regain your source of income, the housing market is going to be at a standstill for months so moving out from your homophobic parents may be impossible for a while.
But it doesn’t mean as long as you live under their roof you have to nurture their homophobia. Part of a parent’s job is to allow your child to be their own person — not an acceptable extension of you. Be who we want you to be.
As Emma Williams, transgender rights activist and parent beautifully says: “My daughter is completely embraced for who she is and is struggling being isolated from her community. I can’t imagine how awful it must be for those shut away in a toxic environment that they can’t leave. I will never understand how any parent can cause so much hurt and pain on their children and put their religious beliefs before their love for their own son or daughter.”
If the heat of hatred is too much, starting focusing on surviving; on planning an exit strategy as soon as the pandemic ebbs. As Marina Stern; retired nurse, chef, knitter and gardener; advises: “My family was differently abusive; the last time I’ve seen any of them was at my father’s memorial, 27 years ago. To youth, if anyone wants a fairy godmother or an eccentric aunt, send them to me for digital hugs.”
Val Mistral, 66 years, out of experience, has golden advice for LGBTQIA youth struggling with spiteful parents, “Above all else, be yourself, I repeat. I’m 66 years old, have always had a homophobic family, but I have had my life on my own terms! My religious parents used think it’s a phase and if I pray the gay away it’ll come back to the fold. I refused to be humiliated.”
About the Author:
Ray Mwareya is a freelance journalist in Canada whose work is published in Reuters, Guardian, Remedy Health Media, and others. He was the Reporters Without Borders Rest & Refuge Scholar in 2016.
