Queer Survival Guide For Thanksgiving

by Sassafras Lowrey

This year, Thanksgiving is looking a little bit different. Because of the pandemic, many of us aren’t having to spend the holiday with extended family. But if you find yourself having to spend Thanksgiving around your immediate family you live with, and if they aren’t supportive, that can be challenging. You might also be in a position of having to navigate ZOOMgiving or other video conferencing over the Thanksgiving table with relatives who are less supportive or welcoming. While you could just oops disconnect the router preventing the live video, there are less extreme ways to take care of yourself.

Thanksgiving can be a very challenging holiday, and obviously the oppressive and problematic history of the “holiday” which is an extremely valid and separate conversation. If your family is celebrating Thanksgiving and you feel forced or compelled to be involved, there are ways that you can prioritize queer self-care even if you are spending time with people who aren’t supportive.

Have a Plan

A big part of holiday survival if you know that your day will be challenging is to have a plan. Try to think in advance about what you will want and need to do in order to emotionally take care of yourself if the holiday festivities get uncomfortable. This could look like anything from excusing yourself for a few minutes to go text a friend, avoiding talking to a unsupportive relative, or just not participating in a family zoom call at all. You are the expert on your own experience and needs — do what you need to do in order to have a good day. Try not to worry about what other people expect of you if it will be emotionally detrimental, and instead prioritize your own comfort.

Find Space

If you know that participating in Thanksgiving festivities is going to be challenging for you, try to find some space for yourself to do things that help you to feel supported, centered, or celebrated. Even if it’s going to be a busy day, try to find a few minutes in the morning or evening that you can designate as some self-care time to play video games, listen to music, watch a favorite LGBTQ movie, go for a walk, read a book, or do some art. Whatever it is that helps you to relax, have a little bit of fun and most importantly remember that other people’s homophobia and/or transphobic might be aimed at you, but it isn’t your fault. You are wonderful and perfect just the way you are.

Identify Allies

If you know that you will be having to spend time physically or virtually around people who do not support your sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression, it is helpful to identify who your allies are. If you have allies amongst people in your family who will be at the gathering, try to connect ahead of time if you can about how you are feeling, and anything you are nervous about. You can even ask for specific kinds of support. For example, if you know your uncle is going to mispronoun you, but you have supportive cousins, connect with them ahead of time about what would feel appropriate in terms of correcting other relatives.

Connect with Support

If you are stuck in a Thanksgiving “celebration” with unsupportive family physically or virtually, it can feel extremely isolating. As much as possible, try to remember that you are not alone, and there are people out there who support you. Try to lean on those supportive people: friends, counselors, teachers, and other supportive peers and adults. If possible, make plans to connect with your friends or other supportive people in your life for after the family festivities are over. Fun options could be to have a group text with your friends to share highlights — the good and the bad through the day, or to have a “friendsgiving” video hangout together after you finish dinner with your family. A simple way to center thoughts about your support people during the day is to use a fun picture of good times you have had with LGBTQ friends as the lock screen on your phone (assuming it’s safe for the people you live with to see this) to look at through the day if things are tense and help to remind you aren’t alone.

Emergency Plan:

If you are struggling over Thanksgiving or anytime and need extra support, the Trevor Project has trained counselors available to support you by phone 24/7. If you are a young LGBTQ person in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk you can call the Trevor Lifeline anytime 1–866–488–7386.

About the Author:

Sassafras Lowrey’s novels and nonfiction books have been honored by organizations ranging from the American Library Association to the Lambda Literary Foundation and the Dog Writers Association of America. Sassafras’ work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired and numerous other newspapers and magazines. Sassafras has taught queer writing courses and workshops at LitReactor, the NYC Center For Fiction and at colleges, conferences, and LGBTQ youth centers across the country. www.SassafrasLowrey.com