Queerly Surviving Thanksgiving

Sassafras Lowrey

With Thanksgiving approaching, many LGBTQ people are dreading the holiday and the thought of spending time with less than accepting family members. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you have to want to spend time with them. I’m a big believer in queer people creating our own families, and our own traditions. So, with that in mind, just because it feels like everyone is going “home” for the holidays, you don’t have to! However, if for whatever reason you are going to have to be around unaccepting family members, here are some tips for queerly surviving Thanksgiving.

You Aren’t Alone:

For many queer people going “home” for the holidays isn’t an option, even if we wanted it to be. Over 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ+ and a large percentage of LGBTQ+ adults have been disowned by their families, or have chosen to cut ties with families of origin due to their homophobic or transphobic beliefs. With all the “no place like home for the holidays” messages we get in the media it can feel like everyone is going “home” for the holidays but in reality, many people, especially queer people have found their own ways to queerly celebrate holidays.

Safety First:

Whenever engaging with family members your safety should be the main priority. If it’s not safe for you to be out, or to talk about queer things don’t do it! The most important thing this Thanksgiving is to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. If you have moved out, are financially independent (so there can’t be repercussions from your family that impact your safety and housing) feel empowered to say “no” to going to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. You can make up excuses about needing to work, or having plans of spending Thanksgiving with friends, and then make those plans! If there isn’t a good option other than spending Thanksgiving with your biological family prioritize finding ways to stay safe in those interactions and don’t feel pressured to come out, or share details about your queer life that will make you a target within your family.

Emotional Protection:

Staying emotionally safe is just as important as being physically safe. You don’t have to push back or correct every homophobic or transphobic message you overhear while visiting family members during Thanksgiving. If you know there are people in your family or extended family, who are likely to say offensive things, try as much as possible to limit your contact with those relatives. If you have supportive family members you can ask them to step in as allies and act as barriers helping you to keep distance from difficult relatives who are toxic, correct offensive language, or redirect conversations to other subjects. You can also deflect questions that are offensive or topics you don’t feel comfortable talking about.

“No” is a complete sentence. Just because you have someone in your family that really wants to pull you into a toxic conversation so they can share homophobic/transphobic beliefs doesn’t mean you have to engage or continue that conversation. You can always try to deflect conversations away from politics, or anything related to LGBTQ+ rights or identities. You don’t have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable, or isn’t going to feel emotionally safe for you.

Deflect to protect yourself:

If you have family members whose normal day involves having the television on news programs that tend to center homophobia and transphobia see if you can pull the attention away from the television and onto doing things that feel less hostile to you as a queer person. For example, suggest that the family watch a movie, take a walk, play a game, go ice skating, visit a holiday market, check for Black Friday shopping deals, or do any of the other activities that you and your family enjoy. If your family member keeps trying to return to a topic you aren’t comfortable talking about, remember you can say “no.” You don’t have to defend the LGBTQ community as a whole or answer personal probing questions that make you uncomfortable.

Find alternative Thanksgiving celebrations:

If you find yourself alone on Thanksgiving and are not sure how you want to spend the day, consider looking at LGBTQ+ community centers or youth centers in your local area. Many of these community spaces will organize queer Thanksgiving, or alternative Thanksgiving celebrations and meals to bring community members together. These events might look like an opportunity to volunteer in your local community and then share a meal or could look like a casual hangout with other LGBTQ+ people who are choosing not to spend the holiday with their families of origin. Sometimes being around other people who get the complicated, traumatizing aspect of spending time with family can be a helpful way to process big feelings yourself and can make Thanksgiving (and other traditional family-centered holidays) feel better.

Friendsgiving:

If your family isn’t supportive, consider spending Thanksgiving, or part of Thanksgiving, with your friends or chosen queer family. Even if you can’t spend the entire Thanksgiving holiday with friends, see if it’s possible to get out with some of your friends for some of the Thanksgiving weekend. Having a planned break with your LGBTQ+ friends to look forward to, can make needing to spend holidays with your unsupportive family feel less overwhelming. Spending holidays with your friends, or chosen queer family is also an opportunity to start making your own traditions that center and celebrate the connections you share.

Find Private Moments of Queer Joy:

During Thanksgiving try to find ways to find moments of queer joy for yourself. This can help make it easier to survive awkward Thanksgiving encounters with family that you can’t avoid. Even if you can’t spend Thanksgiving with your queer family, you and your friends can still stay in touch. Consider organizing group chats with your LGBTQ+ friends who also have to spend Thanksgiving with less than supportive family members. You can swap stories about things that were said to or around you and how you responded. You can also find ways of having fun together like watching a queer movie or television show in your respective homes but together (my current recommendation is the queer pirate show Our Flag Means Death, or if you prefer cartoons, Nimona). Even if you are far apart you can watch a show or movie at the same time and talk with your friends via phone, text, or video call. This can help you and your friends to feel connected to the LGBTQ community even if you’re visiting with family for the holidays.

Queer Gratitude Art:

Alone or with friends you can also spend a few minutes creating queer art centering the joy, safety, and belonging that you may have found as part of coming out and being part of LGBTQ culture. This Thanksgiving weekend, consider spending a little bit of time thinking about what aspects of LGBTQ+ culture and community you are most grateful for. This could look like doing some journaling, or you could make a collage of words, photos, and images that symbolize queer friends, events, art, and history that you’re grateful for or have been supporting for you this year. This is an activity you can do privately to honor your queer identity if you’re feeling isolated during Thanksgiving. Or you can do this activity with friends or an LGBTQ+ community, youth, or student group you’re involved with.

About the Author

Sassafras Lowrey’s novels and nonfiction books have been honored by organizations ranging from the American Library Association to the Lambda Literary Foundation and the Dog Writers Association of America. Sassafras’ work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired, and numerous other newspapers and magazines. Sassafras has taught queer writing courses and workshops at LitReactor, the NYC Center For Fiction and at colleges, conferences, and LGBTQ youth centers across the country. You can find more of Sassafaras’ written works, including an edited collection exploring LGBTQ+ youth homelessness entitled Kicked Out, at www.SassafrasLowrey.com.