Reflections From Month 1 on T
By Keely Miyamoto
Shortly after finishing my second year of college, I flew home. The purpose of this trip was not only to visit family, nor was it to celebrate my late May birthday. Rather, a ten-day stay would give me just enough time to complete the labs and appointments needed so that I could fill my first prescription for testosterone. Gender-affirming care is life-saving and life-giving, and I am very grateful and lucky to have access to treatment. As of late June, I am one month on T.
Of course, this first month was almost comically anticlimactic.
There is definitely a disparity between the immediate personal gravity and challenges of beginning hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and the much slower development of concrete physical and social outcomes. For me, the decision to start HRT meant choosing to live a life I had imagined but never allowed myself to believe I could truly lead. And while it is incredibly affirming to know that I am on that path, it is apparent that it will take some time before the world at large catches on: When the nurse teaching me to self-administer my shots checked my dose, she asked a doctor how many milligrams ‘she’ (meaning me) should be taking. Then, when I went for a run the afternoon after my first dose, I got catcalled while waiting at a stoplight. The irony here is strong enough that I am more amused than upset; it is bizarre to realize that despite so much changing for and within me, virtually none of this is appreciable to anyone else.
Right now, the biggest change has simply been actually taking my shot. Given that I am not particularly needle-averse, I had thought that this would be easy. Maybe just five minutes or so out of one night each week — no problem. I was wrong.
Every time I take my shot, I find myself growing somewhat nervous about an hour or so prior. The first couple of times, I assumed this was just because I was new to self-administering injections and worried about doing something wrong. But even as I become more confident with the logistics of taking T, I still get anxious before shots and need some extra moments to hype myself up. It’s worth noting that this isn’t a pain issue either; to me, these shots hurt less than an upper arm vaccine. Instead, I think poking myself just feels super counter-instinctual.
But, this still has to happen, and so I’ve come up with a few ways to make taking injections feel a little easier. Beforehand, I try to eat a small snack to settle my nerves. Then, while I prepare the medication, I put on some music. I usually opt for louder, faster songs to work myself up to doing something that can feel a little intimidating. After cleaning up, I like to go for a short jog to let out all of my nervous energy.
All told, this process can take me up to an hour. Because that isn’t always very convenient, I doubt that relying on this long-term will be realistic for me. Still, having a routine is what works for me right now, and it is something that has been extremely helpful as I adjust to doing something new, exciting, and not entirely easy.
About the Author
Keely Miyamoto is a second-year at Grinnell College. Keely’s passion for peer support led them to become a founding member of the Be-A-Friend Project’s Teen Kindness Board. They have also volunteered on the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, as well as with Grinnell’s student-run SA/DV hotline. Keely identifies as transgender and nonbinary, and, as a collegiate student-athlete, they are especially invested in representation and inclusion in sports
