Schitt’s Creek S6 E3: Ted’s Back

by Ian Carlos Crawford

Previously on Schitt’s Creek: David wet the bed. Moira did a social media takeover for The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening.

This episode opens with a blessing from our beloved Ted’s face. He and Alexis are having a Skype date and about to get sexy and whew… did you see my man’s new beard? Ted is one of those annoyingly hot guys who looks ultra hot with and without a beard which, frankly, is just unfair.

David walks in because of course he does. He and Alexis exchange some frustrated guttural groan-y noises the Rose children are known for. David is shocked but not really that phased — he then says “Nevermind” to looking at the screen when Alexis mentions Ted is actually fully clothed. David Rose, relatable icon. Also, remember that episode where Ted got naked on his live stream? That was a nice time for everyone.

Then the entire Rose family enters because not one of them can ever have a moment of peace and it’s so perfect. David tells them Alexis is about to have cyber sex and Johnny of course stutters a bunch but Moira glides in to look for her shoes and reprimand Alexis for not having the proper lighting. Then Ted, the perfect angel that he is, says hi to the family. Alexis says they’re not engaging with them. This show does family who loves each other but also drives each other absolutely nuts so perfectly. As someone who recently had to move back home as an adult, I can relate to all of this a little too much.

We then learn Stevie is going for an interview with an airline and David immediately becomes competitive and shitty about it — so he decides to go with her to show her he’s more experienced and equipped for the job than her. Ya know, classic best friend stuff! Seeing David in his interview outfit is also incredibly relatable. As someone who also dresses like a Hot Topic Adult™️, I often have to find my most boring clothes to wear to interviews and David does just that — showing up in a blue button up and plain black pants. David is a loving caring friend who also happens to be a dick — again, highly relatable. He and Stevie’s friendship is the best friendship on the show and one that’s genuinely enjoyable to watch on screen. So them trying to outdo each other at an interview, okay mostly David trying to outdo Stevie, is really funny. As many things on the show often do, it feels like a bit out of an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Alexis buys herself a pet turtle and names it Ted — which Moira immediately freaks out about because turtles are gross and she, “may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.” The Rose family is supportive as always! Also, did we notice Alexis has no interest when Moira says they’re going to be making money soon and moving out of Schitt’s Creek? Look how she’s grown! But not too much because she also then immediately loses the turtle Ted.

But fear not because non-turtle Ted sends a limo driver to pick up Alexis to bring her on a surprise date. And Alexis being the international super spy she is, decides the limo driver is in fact not a kidnapper and goes with him. She arrives at the café to find a screen with ted Skyping in on it at a private table with Twyla serving them. It’s so perfect and so cute and if the Rose children who are also all probably around my age can find their perfect partners then so can I , right? RIGHT!?

God damn it, Ted is so handsome.

Oh and then we find Bob wearing leather and Moira and Johnny decide he’s the perfect investor in their hotel franchise. We learn he’s wearing his leather daddy outfit because Gwen left him for a bad boy and not interested in investing after a business dinner at Roland and Jocelyn’s. Jocelyn says she feels like a “Wolf of Wall Street” and it’s pretty adorable.

At the end of the episode we get the reveal that Roland and Jocelyn will be their new investing partners. It’s cute and perfect and this season is already doing the most with moving all the pieces in place for the finale that I can’t wait to sob at.

While hugging Roland, Johnny sees Turtle Ted crawling on the ground in their room and asks why the hell there’s a turtle in their room-Moira yells “ALEXS” and the credits roll.

Best Moment: After finding out Jocelyn and Roland will be their new business partners, Moira saying how that’s something that definitely calls for alcohol.

Favorite Outfit: TED’S HANDSOME FACE WITH HIS HANDSOME NEW BEARD SHUT UP THIS COUNTS AS AN OUTFIT AND THIS BLOG IS NOW A TED STAN ACCOUNT.

About the Author:

Ian Carlos Crawford grew up in southern New Jersey and, like most people from NJ, he graduated from Rutgers University. He then graduated from New School with an MFA in nonfiction writing. His writing has appeared on sites like Geeks Out, BuzzFeed, NewNowNext, and other random corners of the internet. He currently co-hosts a podcast about his favorite thing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, called Slayerfest 98 and is shopping around his fiction manuscript. Follow him on Twitter @ianxcarlos