Previously on Schitt’s Creek: Stevie is David’s maid of honor. The trailer for The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening drops. David tells Alexis he wants her to give him away at his wedding.
We open with Alexis giving Moira a presentation of sorts on a giant notepad. She wants to do a premiere for The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening in the town of Schitt’s Creek. Moira, however, refuses her proposal. Moira compares hosting a premiere in town to hosting the Met Gala at David’s store — a funny moment where David, who had been in on making fun of the premiere idea, responds, “I don’t like that one.”
This, reader, is one of my bigger problems with Schitt’s Creek — a show I love very, very much. Sometimes Moira is too mean? Johnny loves her for who she is and never asks her to change and yes, that’s very sweet, but her character is really hit or miss when it comes to growth. Sometimes it feels like she’s the only character who hasn’t grown but then we get the beautiful scene from the season five finale where she gives Stevie that inspirational speech she needed. But also maybe I’m biased because Alexis is one of my favorite characters?
If I were Alexis, I’d be losing my goddamn mind at what a nightmare my mother was. And yes I love Moira because I love the show and love the Rose family, I just wish Moira could smoke a little weed and chill out.
I don’t say this because Moira turns down the offer of a premiere because sure fine whatever, she’s allowed to not want one — I say this because Moira is swayed by a freakin’ bird magazine giving her movie a positive review being what changes her mind on having the premiere and her not telling Alexis until 4 hours before the premiere is supposed to happen (Alexis was going to have the event just as a viewing party, not premiere). I love David and Alexis so much and just want the best for both of them. And with Alexis being mostly Ted-less this season, it feels like she’s becoming the head of the family and also the one they shit on the most (insert classic Alexis groan here).
But the episode itself is still a fun one because well duh. I’m just being nitpicky and bratty because I’m watching election discourse on Twitter all day every day and want everyone, Moira Rose included, to be fucking nicer to their loved ones. But a little less spiral and a little more recapping of Schitt’s Creek. They call the red carpet a merlot carpet because it’s all Ronnie has and it’s such a minor detail but also a perfect one.
The other plot going on here is David taking care of Patrick, who had his wisdom teeth taken out and is so damn adorable all high. Amy Poehler playing a drunk Leslie Knope is my favorite ‘drunk character’ but Patrick comes close to that here. When he told David how handsome he is I think my face turned into the heart face emoji. 😍
Patrick continues to be the ideal man. I wasn’t sure if him saying they should have a baby was supposed to be cute or something of a portent of an upcoming fake rift between them only to be fixed in time for their wedding but it made me emotional.Their relationship is very much David loves him but is always nervous something bad is going to happen, while Patrick is this sweet puppy dog who is madly in love with nothing really holding him back. If Patrick wants a baby maybe they will have a baby — although my angsty gay brain wants them to not have a baby and have that be normalized and presented as okay. But I’ll probably cry either way.
A sobered up Patrick does tell David he loves their relationship just the way it is. As to whether or not that was actually the resolution to that issue is yet to be seen but I love them popping pain meds to go to the premiere together. Normalize not having kids and also harmless drug use!
The premiere goes to shit and I kind of wish it didn’t? I want the Rose family to have a win! But Moira’s outfit, which Dan Levy said on Twitter he got the headpiece for from ETSY, is absolutely stunning. And I loved her not wanting Johnny to take his usual red carpet role 10 feet behind her.
Roland releases his live crows and they start attacking the crowd. Roland continues to be the worst! Is this all part of Moira having to learn it’s okay to fail? Is she the only one still on a personal growth journey, maybe?
Also, this one failure will be on the road to Alexis becoming a really great publicist, right? RIGHT?
The video of the premiere does go viral, which is embarrassing for the Rose clan but also in the long run could be good for them and bring some attention to the town and The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening. Also, I love that Stevie’s plot came back to her realizing the Rosebud Motel was where she did want to work. I hope what I want for her is what happens — working for the hotel helps her be able to expand her life and travel while still having financial stability. That’s what I want for my soft goth babygirl.
Best Moment: Patrick post-surgery. PATRICK MARRY ME PLZ.
Favorite Outfit: Moira’s Virgin Mary premiere outfit! Iconic!
About the Author:
Ian Carlos Crawford grew up in southern New Jersey and, like most people from NJ, he graduated from Rutgers University. He then graduated from New School with an MFA in nonfiction writing. His writing has appeared on sites like Geeks Out, BuzzFeed, NewNowNext, and other random corners of the internet. He currently co-hosts a podcast about his favorite thing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, called Slayerfest 98 and is shopping around his fiction manuscript. Follow him on Twitter @ianxcarlos