by Ian Carlos Crawford
Previously on Schitt’s Creek: Alexis got a job promoting a cult while David and Moira got drunk.
There was yet another Democratic Debate airing at the same time as this newest episode of Schitt’s Creek. Luckily, I’m not fancy enough for live television, so I had an excuse not to watch Elizabeth Warren mop the floor with a bunch of men only to not get the credit she deserves. So, I saved myself a bit of stress and heartbreak. Or so I thought.
The episode opens with poor Johnny trying to have a ribbon cutting ceremony for the new hotel they’ve bought with Jocelyn, Roland, and Stevie. But he can’t even get a nice little gesture. Johnny is a lot like Bob from Bob’s Burgers — he can never have anything go smoothly even if he deserves it.
Jocelyn is blindfolded for some reason, and Moira wants nothing to do with helping cleaning out this new place they’ve bought because why would she ever. It’s one of 3 very much main plots in this episode and I’m not sure which one is the A plot and which is the B and is C plot even a thing?
I know I talk a lot about how perfect the men of Schitt’s Creek are. But in one of the other plots of this episode, we get David and Patrick having engagement photos taken by…Ray. It’s one of those moments that almost feels anachronistic with the show — Ray isn’t really good at the things he does and he even shows them a hilarious mouse pad with Jocelyn’s picture on it as an example of his work. David would have been better suited having Alexis take photos in portrait mode on his iPhone of he and Patrick sitting near a tree or something. But, David is extra bratty and controlling here. And I say that as someone who is very bratty and controlling. I wanted Patrick to actually tell David why he was being too much. But maybe I’m just bitter that I am painfully single and slightly less bratty than David, while David is whatever the opposite of painfully single is and way brattier.
The show often shows us the tender way the people in this universe are allowed to exist and be themselves. They are almost never, for better or worse, asked to change. But, also, I truly wanted Patrick to tell David to stop being such a Groomzilla. Maybe that will come at the end of the season when David realizes Patrick doesn’t want any of this fuss and they just get married in a small ceremony outside the hotel and I cry my eyes out.
Speaking of crying, Ted arrives in town to surprise Alexis. He’s lookin’ right and being very Ted. He was supposed to have the weekend with Alexis but something something with his flights and the bad milk he had on one of the flights. The poor handsome dummy.
The moment Alexis opened the door to see Ted standing there, I gasped and yelled, “Ted” like a BTS fan when they see one of their faves looking longingly into the camera. I was so happy to see him but he kept telling Alexis they needed to talk and I was worried. My precious handsome angel Ted and my beloved independent Alexis — I just wanted them to be happy.
But, Alexis, being the brainiac that she is, insisted she and Ted have sex first. Good. For. Her.
After their much deserved sexual encounter, Ted starts slip-sliding around trying to bring up a subject that immediately feels like he’s going to breakup with her — which Alexis even says. He insists he’s not but that he’s been offered a 3 year research position in the Galapagos. A place they don’t even pretend Alexis could handle living. To their credit, they both love and respect each other but god damn if that Alexis voice crack didn’t get me. Alexis loves Ted and Ted loves Alexis but the relationship clearly wasn’t going to work right now. But Alexis asks for some time to think and Ted is okay with that. She retreats to the diner to have a brief, sweet convo with Twyla. We get a wonderfully sweet flashback to the first time Alexis met Ted in that very diner/café.
Moira signs up for the dramatics when Johnny refuses to let them stay in their new hotel’s Presidential Suite. She lays it on thick and, ya know what, she wasn’t wrong. They deserve a nicer, better room. He insists it’s bad for business for them to give themselves the Presidential Suite to which Moira perfectly responds, “Be careful John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground.” Johnny, as he always does, gives in to Moira’s needs. They arrive at their new hotel’s Presidential Suite only to find Jocelyn and Roland had the same idea. We learn the Schitts have been renting out rooms in their house to be able to afford their new hotel business venture with the Roses so, of course, the Schitts get the room.
Patrick returns from the tanning beds where David sent him looking like a slightly less orange Tr*mp. Patrick is not happy but David insists they take their cheesy pictures. Patrick is not happy but goes along — even if they end up not having any photos to use because of David’s stubborn-ness. After a few showers, a noticeably less orange Patrick steps into the room for he and David to have candid engagement pictures taken by Stevie — which why the hell didn’t they do from the start?
We end the episode on a note that has me so torn. It was so well done but truly hurt my heart. Alexis bullies the staff of the café to clear out to give them the place to themselves. She even has Twyla serve up a special menu made up of all of Ted’s cheat day favorites (and can I say I love how often they draw attention to how bananas ripped Ted is). The whole time I was hoping for a Hail Mary (is that the right sports metaphor?) but knew I wasn’t getting it. The show is all about happy endings and, to kind of quote the iconic Cordelia Chase in her final appearance on Angel, they’re both on different roads and this was their off-ramp.
The scene is beautiful and had me sobbing. It hurt my heart to see them part ways but I loved seeing such an adult-ass breakup. I can’t think of a better written mutual breakup. Ted doesn’t want Alexis to give up her career and vice versa.
So, by not watching the debates I still had my heart broken by sweet Ted. How am I supposed to be happy knowing he and Alexis won’t end up together? The only way Dan Levy can make this okay is if I cameo in the series finale as Ted’s new partner (but, let’s be real, I also couldn’t live in the Galapagos).
Best Moment: That really beautiful ending.
Favorite Outfit: Ted, in bed, wearing just a tank top.
About the Author:
Ian Carlos Crawford grew up in southern New Jersey and, like most people from NJ, he graduated from Rutgers University. He then graduated from New School with an MFA in nonfiction writing. His writing has appeared on sites like Geeks Out, BuzzFeed, NewNowNext, and other random corners of the internet. He currently co-hosts a podcast about his favorite thing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, called Slayerfest 98 and is shopping around his fiction manuscript. Follow him on Twitter @ianxcarlos