by Ian Carlos Crawford
Previously on Schitt’s Creek: Moira’s new movie, The Crows Have Eyes 3: The Crowening, was shelved indefinitely. Stevie decided she needed to find her place in the world. Ultra Handsome Ted asked Alexis to go to the Galapagos with him and she reluctantly said yes. Patrick proposed to David and he said yes. There were a lot of tears. Like, a lot.
The episode opens with the best gay couple currently on TV, David and Patrick, getting ready to go look at a possible wedding venue. Alexis is packing for her trip and we learn Moira has spent a week living out of the closet she locked herself in at the end of the previous season.
The show has always perfectly balanced the hilarious and tender without ever veering towards becoming too grossly precious. Schitt’s Creek has also done the impossible — it’s gotten better and more emotional with each season, while still staying incredibly hilarious.
The opening perfectly encapsulates all of it — David announces they’re going to look at a wedding venue and Alexis is pissed she’s not invited. David says it’s intimate and she indignantly replies, “YOU INVITED DAD.” The Rose family has matured over the years but are still very much….themselves.
That’s when Moira pops her head out of her closet, looking like Andy Warhol in the middle of a meltdown, saying, “Sadly, I won’t be able to squire you for today’s wedding-venue peregrination.” Alexis and David bicker some more about Alexis not being invited and how no one cares that she’s leaving because we know our beloved siblings only can vocalize their emotions via hilarious bickering — so Patrick invites Alexis to go look at the venue with them. Alexis takes this opportunity to say they can drop her off at the airport after, so she can finally reunite with heartthrob Ted. David is understandably annoyed but, again, doesn’t vocalize this just shows it through his perfectly readable facial expressions.
The family leaves Moira alone to her closet and smoke starts coming through the vent in her room. She immediately panics, and starts to scream but Roland enters to save her as she yells, “Stevie! Thank God!” Moira not only makes Roland carry her out, but she makes him save her wigs. We learn Roland had just burnt something in the next room, but Moira still treats it like a near death experience. When Johnny finds her sitting outside the hotel, holding her wigs, she announces she’s retiring from acting. And poor sweet Johnny seems somewhat relieved. Dating an actor or even a writer (*John Krasinski in The Office stares at self in mirror*) can be…difficult to say the least. So, I feel for Johnny.
Meanwhile, David, Patrick, Stevie, and Alexis arrive at what looks like Xavier’s Mansion from the X-Men movies. The man running the venue first greets Patrick and Stevie as the couple, then Alexis and Stevie, then finally Patrick and David because lol. The venue is beautiful and bougie and has a sale going on for a Sunday that’s a month away that David and Patrick could afford. I teared up when I learned David and Patrick might get David’s dream venue. The fact that Patrick is just happy David is happy — when the fuck am I going to find my own Patrick? That’s the real question here. Of course, David says there’s nothing wrong with having a wedding so soon because it would just get rid of the “dead weight” but ::ahem:: it also means Alexis wouldn’t be able to make it. Wedding planning plots are almost never interesting but make it gay and I’m 100% in and 100% emotional about it.
BUT ALSO LIKE IF THE ROSE FAMILY COULD JUST TALK ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS! They’ve matured so much from the first season but still have some maturing to do, I guess. Or maybe they don’t — I don’t care, I love them no matter what. I just want them to be their best selves. But also, I spent six years religiously watching LOST so who the hell am I to complain?
David apologizes to Alexis and it’s very awkward and perfectly them. He actually never says the words, “I’m sorry” but he comes as close as he possibly can. He also says he won’t take the venue if Alexis can’t be there. But then, in a very Schitt’s Creek turn of events, we learn Alexis read the wrong date for her flight and it isn’t actually for another month. Which we learn when Stevie tries to help her check in for her flight on her phone. Stevie tells Alexis she has to tell David and Alexis says she’d rather sleep I the airport for a month.
Moira and Jonny take a stroll to the creek — ya know, the one the show is named after — for the first time. They even say how it’s the first time. They reminisce about the old days and discuss Moira’s new retirement from acting. They decide to go skinny dipping like they did on their wellness retreat after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn (honestly, all the jokes about Alexis’s past are done so subtly, you almost don’t realize how Jenna Maroney they are). Moira makes a call to her agent as Johnny is found by an off duty police officer skinny dipping. But the good/bad news: Moira’s film has been picked up by a streaming service! Johnny looks exhausted, to say the least.
Alexis tries to tell David she’s delaying her flight because, again, she doesn’t want to admit what actually happened. But, David catches on immediately because she had apparently done the same thing for Kate Winslet’s wedding — to which Alexis admits Billy Zane had also mixed up the date. Then we learn the reason there’s a discount at the venue is because they slaughter pigs on Sundays and the sound is awful — so they all leave, with David and Patrick saying no to the venue.
The episode ends with them all sweetly sitting around the picnic table at the hotel, recapping their days. Then Patrick suggests they have the wedding at hotel because it means so much to David and I immediately welled up with tears. Because not only will that almost absolutely happen and make me sob — but also when the fuck am I going to find a man who cares this much about me?
Best moment: when Stevie asks Alexis why she’s wearing heels for her flight and Alexis replies they give you slippers with your mimosas — to which Stevie replies asking when the last time Alexis flew economy was.
Favorite outfit: Alexis looked smokin’ in those flowy pants, dangly earrings, and absurdly large heels
See you next week!
About the Author:
Ian Carlos Crawford grew up in southern New Jersey and, like most people from NJ, he graduated from Rutgers University. He then graduated from New School with an MFA in nonfiction writing. His writing has appeared on sites like Geeks Out, BuzzFeed, NewNowNext, and other random corners of the internet. He currently co-hosts a podcast about his favorite thing, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, called Slayerfest 98 and is shopping around his fiction manuscript. Follow him on Twitter @ianxcarlos