The Gay Catholic — A Story of Identities and Love

By Anna Buescher

When asked to picture a homophobe, the image that jumps into most people’s heads is an old, white, Catholic, person living in a rural or suburban town spewing hate speech backed by the Bible. This stereotype of homophobia comes from the same place all stereotypes do: observation and generalization. While this can be true, and while many homophobic people are be Catholic, it’s important to remember that that doesn’t mean every Catholic is homophobic. I am Catholic… and I am gay! My story isn’t unique. I am sure there are others out there like me, and because of that I want to share my story. The tug of war I’ve felt over the years in regard to my faith and sexuality was hard, and it came not from my teachers, the Bible, or my priests, but instead from strangers on the streets and unfortunately from my own father. I cannot choose to be one or the other, because I am both. This is a conversation about the struggle that comes along with being Catholic and being part of the LGBTQ+ community. It is a personal prayer that has been spoken for years. A nonstop conversation between me and God.

I’ve been a Catholic since conception. My mother went to Catholic school, my father came from a religious family. Even when I was only a glob of unimpressive cells in the womb, my parents had picked out a Catholic grade school for my siblings and I to attend. So I went to church on Sundays, I prayed before bed, and I thanked God before each meal. When I was old enough, I went to a small Catholic school. In southern Illinois, during the early 2000’s, being gay was not a conversation topic often spoken about. The most I heard during early years was of adults and their “close friends” or “roommates” until I reached around third grade. That day in my little Catholic school, a friend of mine came out to some of the class. He told us he was gay. Someone asked him what that meant and he told us he liked boys not girls. Everyone in the circle of friends looked at him. A handful of Catholic kids looked at their friend and said:

“Oh. Okay.”

And that was it. We all moved on. There was no debate, no one said it was gross or wrong, no one made fun of him. He just liked boys like we did, who cared? After that, everything was exactly the same as before, except now he would talk about his crushes around us. A handful of years later, in 7th grade, I got my own phone for my birthday. This opened up to me the wonders of the internet and I learned that there was a whole lot more out there than just gay and straight. I learned about lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals, transgender people, nonbinary people; the world was suddenly swimming with labels and new opportunities! As I grew up I had been taught that sex was something that happened between a man and a woman when they loved each other a lot, and that is how babies were made. Now I was learning that there’s this whole world where your level of sexual attraction corresponded with a word. I was gobsmacked. I mean — sex was just for making babies with someone you loved, right?

By the time eighth grade rolled around, I realized that I found sex and the idea of sex icky. So I came out as asexual. A few weeks later I wondered why on earth my feelings for someone should have anything to do with their genitalia. I came out as panromantic. This lasted a year maybe two before I realized that I didn’t like most labels, they made me feel confined so I stuck with labeling myself as queer and moved on. During this time none of my friends treated me any differently because no one really cared who I was into. I mean, we were all taught that God made us in His image, and that He is all powerful and makes no mistakes. So 1+1=2. He made me perfect and I was gay and that was the end. Unfortunately that was not as easy for others to understand as it was for me and my classmates.

One night my dad and I fought and in a slew of hurt words I came out to him. His response was that I was mistaken, that I was only gay because of my past trauma, and that I would grow out of it. I was shocked and hurt. My dad thought I was making this up? For a year or so we fought. He would tell me being gay was wrong and that it went against everything we believe. I would tell him God made us perfect and in His image. One night we fought the worst we had in months and he told me that if what I had told him was true, then I couldn’t be Catholic.

I broke down.

I tried to not be gay. I tried to give God up. I spent months bouncing between these two parts of my identity. I couldn’t control my feelings and I was afraid that I would be forced to abandon my faith. Over the next year I spent nearly every night on this debate in my head. I would pray for God to make me straight or if not, tell me He was an ally. Neither of them happened. I struggled with my faith and my sexuality for a while. I tried to be straight but it was like trying to grow taller. I could straighten my posture (no pun intended), but I would only grow the height I was made to be. So when I couldn’t not be gay I thought maybe I could just not be Catholic. But that felt even worse. Trying to not be Catholic felt like holding a hatchet blade first and trying to convince myself to cut off my right hand. If I gave up my faith I would lose a part of me. My history, my family, my childhood, all of it would be gone. So instead I just decided to be both. And honestly? That was the best decision of my life.

I’ve spent years building my faith back up since the realization that I am and can be both. I am openly queer, and I am openly Catholic. I’m a part of the Catholic community in college and have made wonderful queer friends who both respect the fact that I am Catholic and who respect every part of my identity. My dad and I still argue on occasion but we’ve found a balance that keeps arguments from exploding like they used to. He understands that I am not changing who I am, and I understand that he may never fully understand my identity. What’s important is that we are there for each other.

I know that there are other people out there struggling with their faith and with their sexuality. To the others out there: You are perfect. If God made us unique and in His image, then being gay is just that. Another unique personality trait given to us by God. God has a plan for us, and we will never understand or comprehend His plan because He is almighty. So be who you are and stop trying to make it all make sense. You shouldn’t hide away from being gay, because honestly? God doesn’t give a shit. Why would He? He made us in His image so how could you being YOU be a bad thing?

If you ever need someone to reach out to don’t hesitate to reach out for support, whether it’s from us, or another accepting group. Community will always be important.

Anna Buescher

About the Author

Anna Buescher is a current junior at Butler university studying Biology and French. She uses she/they pronouns and identifies as a queer woman. She is passionate about LGBTQ+ rights, climate change, fungi and much much more. You can reach out to her at abuescher@butler.edu.