The Struggle of Dating Apps — A Sapphic Online Story
By Mya Tran
I’m a bit of a homebody. I mostly hang out with my roommates and I don’t make much effort to put myself out there and meet new people. Sue me. I’m a full-time student with a part-time job and I mainly spend my time trying to maintain my friendships and make sure that I have enough money to pay rent.
However, I am. . . pitifully single. It’s not awful, I’m not desperately alone, but as I get older and my friends get into more and more serious relationships I’ve found myself thinking, “Well, I want one of those”. I go to a small college, I know about everyone here. So I did what any young adult would do. I downloaded dating apps.
I think I lasted about 20 minutes before I changed my filters to not include men. I would love to claim that I’m not the judgmental type, but a short while of flipping through profile after profile of men in various states of holding fish, standing next to cars, or exclusively in group photos I came to terms with the fact that if I were to select a man to date, it likely wouldn’t be any that I’d see on a dating app. I didn’t think it was worth it to keep wading through the voice memos about how these men were convinced that they knew the best spots to eat or conversations about the latest basketball game. I’m just not that kind of person.
Women and nonbinary people it was. This was less awful. I, like many bisexual people, tend to prefer to date women and nonbinary people anyway, so I figured I’d have an easier time. While I found the women and nonbinary sections of dating apps to be, lets say, “easier on the eyes”, it wasn’t easier on my heart.
There are a few things here that are just simply my fault. The first and foremost being that I’m not a great conversationalist, especially with strangers over text. There are only so many conversation topics you can glean from someone’s profile and questions like “How are you doing today” tend to be met with lukewarm responses. The second and perhaps more important thing is that I’m demiromantic. Looking for a connection through a dating app is simply not how it works for me.
While scrolling on dating apps through photos of women and nonbinary people dresses in their cute outfits holding up various animals to the camera, I realized that I didn’t know how to kindle a romantic interest online. I had a pretty good handle on how to find a friend, but taking that second step to meeting in person for a date seemed like pulling teeth. Every conversation was either filled with painful pickup lines that I tried to dodge, or mindnumbing platonic compliments that killed the conversation after a quick, “I really like your style :)” “Thanks! You have a cute room” and then “Thanks!”.
So. What have I gleaned from being sapphic online? It’s not for me. It took no time at all for me to exhaust myself with the couples searching for a third partner for the bisexual wife or the girls who were just looking to try dating another girl. Dating apps made me feel cheap, isolated, and alone. Especially as someone who identifies as sapphic.
About the Author
Mya Tran is an incoming junior at Butler University, in Indianapolis, IN. They are currently studying English on the creative writing track and German. Growing up in a small college town with limited queer role models, Tran has spent her life with her nose in the books, looking for someone to relate to.
