Things to Never Say to an LGBTQ+ Person

by Judy Bokao

As an LGBTQ+ person, there are some things that people might have said to you about your sexual preference that truly showed ill-informed they were. In some cases, they are not being mean on purpose, but it is simply because they are not aware or do not understand how their comments or questions can be intrusive or uncomfortable. To help clear that up, here are some of the things you should never say to an LGBTQ+ person.

Kindly note that telling someone “You don’t look or sound gay” is not a compliment.

Unlike the stereotypical characters being portrayed on TV, being queer is not a “look” or a “certain voice.” That represents a misguided perspective on how a queer person should look or sound. Similar statements include “ You are too handsome/pretty to be gay,” or “You are too masculine to be gay.” The worst one is “Are you sure you are gay because you certainly don’t look or sound like you are.” Sexuality is not something specific. It’s fluid. All these statements are out of touch and reinforcing false stereotypes about LGBTQ+ people. People are different and are allowed to express themselves freely regardless of their sexual orientation.

Don’t bring up a queer celebrity or relative in order to make it seem like you relate.

Bringing up a queer celebrity does not necessarily mean you get the challenges an LGBTQ+ individual goes through. It is also sends a bad message to a transgender or non-conforming person because it shows lack of thoughtfulness or education on those issues. Tokenizing celebrities from marginalized communities as an attempt to relate is a wrong move when it comes to making new relationships. Queer people have their own hobbies and interests. We appreciate the sentiment, but saying how you love gay people and how they should definitely meet your queer relative is also in poor taste.

Don’t misguider a transgender or gender nonconforming individual.

Misgendering is using an incorrect gender pronoun to refer to someone — usually a gender nonconforming or a transgender person. Try to ask or listen to how they refer to themselves. Using the wrong pronoun can be triggering because trans* people work so had to be treated and seen as normal people. Being misgendered can make them feel like all their hard work has gone to waste. Using the right pronoun shows a level of respect and modicum of humanity. If you happen to do this unintentionally kindly apologize quickly and make a mental note in the future. If you are unsure, just politely ask.

Never ask an invasive question.

No matter who you are, some questions will always be invasive and rude. Questions about a person’s sex life are highly inappropriate. Questions like “Are you a top or a bottom?” or “Who is the man in the your relationship?” “How do you have sex?” are other questions you should never ask. There is also the common harmful fascination on whether a transgender person has had various surgeries. These are really invasive personal medical questions that people ask as if they are entitled to the information. Whether it is a top surgery, other medical procedures, or a hormone treatment, they are personal choices. Also don’t ask what their “real name” is or what they looked like before transitioning. It is wrong to ask a bisexual individual whether they are more straight or gay or who they enjoy having sex with more. You shouldn’t ask if a lesbian hates men, if a gay man hates women or tell them it is just a phase which will end when they meet the right person.

Never tell a transgender person “I would have never have known you were transgender.”

This may look as a compliment but it can be harmful to tell a transgender person that you think they “pass” for a cisgender. This may be well-intentioned but it can actually further alienate them. ‘Passing’ is a sensitive and subjective matter and not everyone has the privilege of ‘passing’ and not everyone wants to. Painting ‘passing’ as good insinuates that the only way a transgender person can be “deemed acceptable” is by trying to “look cisgender.”

About the Author:

Judy Bokao is 20 years old and was born in Ethiopia but relocated to Nairobi two years ago. She is passionate about everyone having equal rights and is also big on conservation and speaking up for our planet. Judy loves reading and photography and is just a free-spirited young lady trying to grow into a woman her mom can be proud of.