What is Polyamory and How It’s Part of Queer Culture

By Sassafras Lowrey

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, it seems like everywhere you look you see two-person couples. While monogamy works well for a lot of people, it isn’t the only way to structure a relationship. If you’ve ever thought about being in a relationship with multiple people, polyamory might be for you!

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory technically means many loves or having many loves. In practice the term is used to refer to people who identify as not being monogamous because they have multiple relationships at the same time. Sometimes referred to as ethical non-monogamy, unlike with monogamy where someone is exclusively dating one person, in polyamory, a person can have romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person. In polyamory this is done openly and with the consent of everyone involved.

How Does Polyamory Work?

Every relationship is always going to be unique, and this is true with polyamory as well. With a polyamorous relationship, someone might have multiple serious partners. Those partners might also be in relationship to each other like a “throuple” where three people are in a relationship together. In other polyamorous relationships each person might date separately. A core idea of polyamory is it’s not possible for one person to meet all the physical and emotional needs of another person. Instead, the premise of polyamory is the idea that you can get different things from relationships with different people. The relationship boundaries or “rules” are going to look different for each person and the relationships they pursue.

Don’t You Get Jealous?

“I don’t think I could be polyamorous I get jealous” is a phrase that polyamorous people often hear from people curious about the lifestyle. The idea that polyamorous people don’t get jealous is a stereotype that isn’t accurate. Jealousy is a natural emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It isn’t that polyamorous people don’t get jealous, they just process and work through those feelings. With polyamory, people can unpack those feelings of jealousy to figure out what they are feeling insecure about. As part of this self-work, you can work through jealousy instead of letting it dictate your mood.

Polycule Community:

Have you heard the phrase “polycule”? This term has grown more popular in recent years. Polycule refers to the web of connection that exists between people who are dating, or whose partners are dating. For queer poly people these connections can blend in with your queer family dynamics and close social connections you already have. There’s no right or wrong way to engage or connect with your partner’s other partners, but the social and connected aspect of polyamory can be appealing for some.

Communication Is Key:

In any relationship communication between people is extremely important. For people in a polyamorous relationship communication is particularly vital. Polyamory works because of clear, open, and honest communication. As you are negotiating your relationship dynamics, it’s important to be clear and honest when talking with your partner(s) and potential partner(s) about boundaries. Think about what you’re comfortable with, and what you have capacity for in different types of relationships. If everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting, you can build whatever relationship structures feel supportive to you.

Polyamory Isn’t Cheating:

People unfamiliar with polyamory often will think that it’s “cheating” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. In polyamory, people are having relationships with multiple people openly, and with the explicit consent of everyone involved. Cheating involves going behind your partner’s back to secretly pursue interactions or a relationship with someone else. With that in mind, cheating can occur within polyamorous relationships the same way it can occur within a monogamous relationship. In a polyamorous relationship, cheating occurs if boundaries are crossed in the pursuit of another romantic entanglement. In ethical polyamory the boundaries of everyone involved are agreed upon and respected. If those boundaries are crossed, that’s cheating the same way as it would be in a monogamous relationship.

Polyamory and Queer Culture:

In recent years the dominant relationship structure associated with the LGBTQ+ community is monogamy, and specifically marriage as the community worked to achieve marriage rights. However, that is not the only relationship structure. In fact, in many subpopulations of queer culture polyamory or ethical non monogamy is historically rooted and continues to be common. You might be surprised how many “couples” you see aren’t actually monogamous. Part of queerness, and queer culture is creating our own lives, and relationship structures that feel supportive and meet the needs and desires of everyone involved.

About the Author

Sassafras Lowrey’s novels and nonfiction books have been honored by organizations ranging from the American Library Association to the Lambda Literary Foundation and the Dog Writers Association of America. Sassafras’ work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired, and numerous other newspapers and magazines. Sassafras has taught queer writing courses and workshops at LitReactor, the NYC Center For Fiction and at colleges, conferences, and LGBTQ youth centers across the country. You can find more of Sassafras’ written works, including an edited collection exploring LGBTQ+ youth homelessness entitled Kicked Out, at www.SassafrasLowrey.com.