Why I Don’t Like Being Called a Lesbian
by Kori Williams
I have been an open and proud member of the LGBTQ+ community for a few years now. When I was in college, I came out as bisexual, but the more I learned about this specific group of people, I began to realize the history of the sexuality, how it relates to pansexuality, and how I ultimately came to identify with both terms.
But the more I exist in this community, the more I realize how heterosexual, cisgender people view me. Even though I came out years ago, I still have many straight friends and since I don’t talk about my sexuality all the time, some of them have come to the conclusion on their own that I’m a lesbian.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. I have no issue or hatred for anyone who identifies that way. That term just doesn’t apply to me. But many people outside of the LGBTQ+ community see me that way for a couple of reasons.
To begin with, I present very femininely. Makeup, long hair, dresses, I love all of it. Many people probably assume that I’m straight when they look at me. Plus, there are harmful stereotypes about feminine women in the LGBTQ+ community saying that we can’t be gay or we’re just looking for attention from men.
But I’ve also dated the same person for the past four years. My partner for the most part has a more masculine presentation but my partner is nonbinary. Unfortunately, because of other stereotypes about what people’s bodies look like, many people assume my partner is a woman.
My friends know my partner is nonbinary. I’m sure I’ve brought it up more than once, but it’s not all my partner is. There’s so much more to my partner than gender so the topic doesn’t come up very often. The newer friends I have now met me after I met my partner. They never received those messages where I came out to certain people one by one in hopes they’d accept me. All of these things combined have led to them also thinking that I’m a lesbian.
The problem with this is that it erases my sexuality and my partner’s gender identity. When people assume I’m a lesbian, they assume that I’m only attracted to other women. While the definition of what it means to be a lesbian may be more inclusive than a sole attraction to women, in my experience, plenty of straight people believe that a lesbian relationship can only exist between two cisgender women.
When I say that I’m attracted to all genders, I literally mean all of them. My relationship status doesn’t define my sexuality. I do. I’m proud to be who I am and I won’t let it be erased for anyone’s convenience.
I also find myself defending my partner’s gender identity because of this. Plenty of nonbinary people can exist within lesbian relationships, but that term still doesn’t feel right for us. My partner’s gender is fluid and isn’t solely attracted to women. But because others look at us and see me, a feminine person with someone who chooses to dress in a more masculine way, they are quick to label us. They assume both my partner and I are cisgender women. My partner’s gender deserves to be acknowledged. Nonbinary transgender people exist and should be able to present however they see fit. Presentation does not equal gender.
As the cisgender person in the relationship, I’m no stranger to correcting people when it comes to pronouns and stereotypes. But a lot of it would be easier if others weren’t so quick to jump to conclusions. It would mean a lot to me and my partner if others asked about pronouns and made a real effort to get them right. I have to constantly correct people because they would rather do what’s comfortable for them instead of being respectful to my partner.
Bi-erasure and the erasure of trans identities has been a problem for too long. I have no problem sticking up for myself and my partner, but if you’re going to call yourself an ally, you have to realize that not everything will be easy or about you. Making sure others feel seen and heard when they tell you about who they are is a large part of that process and it can make all the difference.
About the Author:
Kori Williams is a writer based in NYC who loves to write about entertainment, celebrity news, and social issues.
