Your Ultimate Guide to Queer Prom Season
By Sassafras Lowrey
Prom season is right around the corner. Although for many people this is an exciting time of year, for a lot of LGBTQ+ teens, prom and prom season can be a big source of anxiety. Because of cultural homophobia and transphobia in schools, communities, and sometimes at home, LGBTQ+ teens often have unique considerations around safety that are different from their heterosexual and cisgender peers. If you’re starting to think about prom, considering going with friends, or wondering if you can bring a date, here are some tips and suggestions to keep in mind to hopefully make your prom season a little less difficult.
Safety First
When it comes to your prom plans, the priority for LGBTQ+ teens should be safety. Do whatever you need to do to make sure that you feel as safe as possible during prom season and at prom. If you attend an LGBTQ+ affirming school and it’s safe for you to be out at home and in your community, prom might look like asking your boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other to go to prom with you and dancing together all night. However, this idyllic prom experience isn’t a reality for all LGBTQ+ teens. At some schools it might not be safe- or even allowed- for you to bring a same-gender date to prom or to dance together. In other situations, it wouldn’t be safe for someone’s parents or guardians to learn their child is LGBTQ+ so bringing who you want to prom isn’t an option. Think in advance about what is going to feel safe for you when it comes to prom. It’s ok if that looks like dancing with a friend of the “opposite gender” (regardless of how you two identify) so as not to raise suspicions about your sexual orientation, or to just go with a group of friends. Don’t feel bad about not being able to be out! It’s not safe for everyone to be out in every situation or season of life, and that is ok! What’s most important is that you prioritize your safety first and foremost.
Planning a Promposal?
If you attend a school where it’s possible to bring a same-gender date to prom, you might be starting to think about promposals! This trend of finding a fun way to invite your crush to attend prom with you have become popular and sometimes elaborate in recent years. Promposals can be a fun time to get creative. If you want to do a promposal, consider if your possible prom date is out or if it’s safe for them to be asked publically. For example, even if you have a supportive family, consider if your potential prom date has a homophobic family or an unstable living situation. If they do, consider a more private prom invitation as opposed to something big and public their family might hear about. If you go to a school that isn’t necessarily safe for LGBTQ+ people and you want to do a very public promposal, try to make sure to do it at a time when you’ll have supportive friends and allies nearby to be supportive.
Prom with Friends
If prom at your school feels like one big celebration of heteronormativity and you can’t go to prom with someone you are dating or are interested in, a classic way to navigate prom is to go with friends! Going to prom with your queer and allied friends can make attending prom safer and is a great way to navigate the event if you aren’t ready to be out yet. Making plans to attend prom as a group can also be helpful if you have a LGBTQ+ identified friend who has parents who aren’t supportive. Saying you’re going as a group can help alleviate pressure on that friend if, for example, they wouldn’t be allowed to bring a same-gender date but might be permitted to go to prom with a group of same or mixed-gender friends.
Know the Rules
If you’re planning to go to prom with a same-gender date and you or your date attends a school that isn’t very welcoming and affirming to LGBTQ+ people, it’s a good idea to check any of the rules that are provided for behavior at prom. In some schools, there could be rules that might influence how you can dress, and what you can do when you attend prom. Knowing the rules doesn’t mean you need to follow them if they are homophobic or transphobic, but if you’re going to break rules, be sure that the potential consequences of breaking those rules (suspension etc.) is something that it’s safe for you to experience. It’s ok to take a stand against homophobic/transphobic school rules, but you should never feel pressure to do so if it’s going to put your safety in jeopardy. If you aren’t certain if you’ll be safe or able to be out at your prom, consider talking with a supportive teacher, counselor, or other faculty members. Talk with these supportive adults about your prom plans, and any concerns that you have. If your school has an active GSA or other LGBTQ+ student club, it can also be helpful to talk with other students about their experiences with prom in the past.
Alternative/Queer Prom
Excited about prom season but wishing prom wasn’t at your school? You aren’t alone! Many LGBTQ+ centers and youth programs will hold “alternative” or queer prom events. These events have historically been a way that LGBTQ+ identified youth are able to safely congregate in a prom-like setting, dance with whomever you want, and have fun together without the concern of homophobic and transphobic classmates and school officials. Check with local community groups in your area and ask if they are planning a queer prom for the community this year, and if they are considering attending!
About the Author:
Sassafras Lowrey’s novels and nonfiction books have been honored by organizations ranging from the American Library Association to the Lambda Literary Foundation and the Dog Writers Association of America. Sassafras’ work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired and numerous other newspapers and magazines. Sassafras has taught queer writing courses and workshops at LitReactor, the NYC Center For Fiction and at colleges, conferences, and LGBTQ youth centers across the country. You can find more of her written works, including her edited collection exploring LGBTQ+ youth homelessness entitled Kicked Out, on her website www.SassafrasLowrey.com.
