Q&A: How Do I Reward My Child’s ‘Good’ Behaviour?
How to avoid bribery and the negative attention cycle. #MayIWrite — Day 6
Questions for Q&A can be submitted via twitter, facebook or via my website.
Q: What is the best reward for good behaviour that you can give your child?
A: Important to note is that some children who are non-neurotypical may have different needs in terms of understanding how their behaviours are received by and interact with the world around them. This advice is based on a neurotypical response to the social and developmental experiences we have as humans, and the scope does not cover the many intricacies of non-neurotypical kids.
When it comes to reinforcing the behaviours you want to see in your child, the best you can offer is your time and undivided attention, hands down.
This happens moment to moment when your child is seeking it — when they want to show you something that excites them or when they tell you a story, for example. If they have your full attention, eye contact, and enthusiastic genuine engagement, you will see more and more ‘good’ behaviour overall.
Even with very young children, giving them direct eye contact and a happy, proud face while you tell them “I see how happy your friend is because you shared with them! Well done!” or “We just got all our grocery shopping done and you helped make that SO easy by staying right beside me!” will provide the attention they crave without setting them up to see their behaviours as a means to an end. (When we offer external rewards like screen time or a cookie, we inadvertently train the child to lose sight of the fact that these behaviours have intrinsic interpersonal benefits and are not just about getting a prize.)
Showing that you’re pleased via your body language, eye contact and tone of voice is your best course of action because it’s a natural way for the child to feel good about themself. It taps into our natural evolutionary inclination to learn quickly which behaviours keep us in good favour with our pack. When we start to use words like ‘good’ (as in “good boy!”), it can plant a subconscious seed of anxiety about the potential to also be seen as ‘bad’. The examples of praise above really keep the power within the child rather than creating currency out of the adult’s disappointment or approval. We want our kids to develop a strong internal compass that guides their behaviours in the world.
The negative attention cycle people can fall into (not just children!) is usually a matter of a base need being unmet. Rewarding the behaviours you wish to encourage in your child in the way I’ve just discussed will help these needs to be met in a positive, healthy way.
What we all really want is to be accepted and loved. That is true from day one. Hopefully this helps!
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