Book Summary 1 — How to win friends and influence people
Key Insights
Be genuinely interested in others
Be more dramatic
Show a little showmanship — Make them more vivid, interesting and impressive.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise any improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
A) How to handle people
If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive
1) Don’t critisise, condemn or complain
“Don’t criticise them, they are just what we would be under similar circumstances”
- Lincoln
Don’t criticise just to make yourself better. People will just justify their action, condemn you and might arouse hard feelings.
“I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody”
- Franklin
World War II mechanic filled up plane with wrong fuel. The plane crash landed and almost killed anyone.
The pilot, instead of rebuking said”To show you I’m sure that you’ll never make this again, you’re servicing my plane going forward”
The habit of finding fault.
Break it!
The big secret of dealing with people
2) Give honest and sincere appreciation
There is only one way to get someone to do something, need to make them want to do it
Freud
- sex urge
- desire to be great
Dewey — Philosopher
- desire to be important
What we most want:
- health
- food
- sleep
- money
- life in thereafter
- sex
- children well-being
- feeling of importance
Craving for appreciation
Insanity — gives people feeling of importance which was lacking before
He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely path.
3) Arouse in the other person an eager want (don’t focus on what you want)
Focus on what others, not you, want.
“How can I make this person want to do it?”
Let others be part of your soup cooking, they’ll hep, try and take over.
B) 6 ways to make people like you
Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere.
1) Become genuinely interested in others
You have to be interested in people to write/tell good stories.
We’re interested in others if they’re interested in us.
A simple way to make a good impression
2) SMILE
Actions speak louder than words — smile!
Many folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble
3) Remember that a person’s name is the sweetest sound to them
People love their name and want to prolong it through history.
Give people attention!
An easy way to become a good conversationalist
4) Be good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Listen intently with enthusiasm.
How to interest people
5) Talk about other person’s interest
Find out what interests them, read up on it and talk about it.
How to make people like you instantly
6) Make the other person feel important — sincerely.
Make compliments and show appreciation, without wanting anything in return.
Do to others as you would have others do to you.
- Jesus
- I’m sorry to trouble you
- Would you be so kind to
- Won’t you please
- Would you mind
- Thank you
Almost all people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way.
They probably are — make them feel important.
Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours
C) How to win people to your thinking
You can’t win an argument
1) The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it
Why prove a man to be wrong? Embarrass him? Why not let him save his face? Always avoid the acute angle.
To get the best out of arguments — avoid them.
If you agree with the other person, he will have to stop. Can’t keep on talking about what you agreed. Then he’ll be ready to talk about your option.
“Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way -
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.”
- Welcome disagreement (learn from it)
- Distrust instinctive impression (don’t be defensive)
- Control your temper
- Listen first (build bridges not barriers)
- Look for areas of agreement
- Be honest (admit error and say so)
- Promise to think over their ideas
- Thank them for their interest (think of them as people who really want to help you)
- Postpone action until both can think through it
Agreement with wife — if one yells, the other listens. There’s no communication if both yell.
A sure way of making enemies — and how to avoid it
2) Show respect for the other person’s opinion.
Never say, “You’re wrong”
You cannot teach a man anything,
you can only help him find it within himself.
- Galileo
If we are treated gently and tactfully we can admit mistakes to others.
Bought too expensive carpet
- you overpaid! oh no no its an exclusive awesome carpet
- oh wow i wish i had a carpet like that! oh no no I overpaid
If you’re wrong, admit it
3) If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
When you’re wrong, admit it
- quickly
- openly
- enthusiasm
ideally, before other can reprimand you
A drop of Honey
… catches more flies than a gallon of gall
4) Begin in a friendly way
- convince that you’re their friend
The Secret of Socrates
5) Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
Keep emphasising similarities and common goal.
Get people to say Yes early on, not saying No — get agreement on some things.
The safety valve in handling complaints
6) Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
When handling problems don’t talk — listen!
The other person knows more about their problem.
Be a sincere listener, don’t interrupt!
How to get cooperation
7) Let the other person feel that the idea is his/hers.
Make suggestions, let the other person come to the conclusion.
Let others tell you what they need and will give in return. Give it to them. They’ll stick to the bargain.
A formula that will work wonders for you
8) Trying honestly to see things from the other person’s view
Try to understand others.
Sympathetic grasp of others’ viewpoint.
What everybody wants
9) Be sympathetic with other people’s ideas and desires
“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
An appeal that everybody hates
10) Appeal to the nobler motives
Everything we do has two reasons; a real one, and one that sounds good.
Don’t appeal to the real reason, but the noble one (pay rent have to, but honour agreement — we’re men or monkeys)
Ask for their fair opinion and trust them tyat they are 100% truthful.
The movies do it. TV does it. Why don’t you do
11) Dramatise your ideas
You need to dramatise the facts.
Make them more vivid, interesting and impressive.
Show a little showmanship.
Use other material than others, other examples, bring something physical.
When nothing else works try this
12) Throw down a challenge
Stipulate competition — not in a money way, but a desire to excel.
Desire to feel important.
D) Be a leader: How to change people without giving offence or arousing resentment
You must find fault, that’s the way to begin
1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Always easier to listen to criticism after a compliment.
How to criticise and not be hated for it
2) Call attention to other people’s mistakes, indirectly.
Lead by example.
Don’t directly rebuke.
Talk about your own mistakes first
3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person
No one likes to take orders
4) Ask questions instead of giving orders
What do you think of this?
Do you think this could work?
Work with everyone to cone up with the best solution and listen to their suggestions and ideas.
Let the other person save face
5) Let the other person save face
Don’t embarrass people, especially in front of others — but show your support.
How to spur people on to success
6) Praise the slightest improvement and praise any improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
Spread the warm sunshine of praise.
Praise instead of criticising.
Give a dog a good name
7) Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
If you want to improve a person in. a certain respect, as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics.
State openly the other person having a virtue for them to live up to it and develop.
Make the fault seem easy to correct
8) Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to improve.
Liberal in encouragement, faith in their abilities and natural talent.
Making people glad to do what you want
9) Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest
Make people happy about doing what you suggested.
Set the right incentives for success.
Change of title — realignment of responsibility.
Give toys / symbols.
- Be sincere
- Know what you want
- Be empathetic / what does the other person want
- Benefits for other person
- Match benefits to wants of other person
- Communicate it that it serves their wants
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