Overwhelm and some more.
I wanted to write something, about something but I don’t really have anything in mind to write about. I’m going to get real honest here, I don’t know where I’m going with this but I know I want to keep going. I have spent a considerable amount of time on my phone, reading, scrolling and consuming content. I also keeping checking my email to see if there’s any news about college starting. There was none until today. I was anticipating news about college for so long, wanting to hear something. But the minute I got some news, I instantly regretted opening the email. Oh god, I should probably have to go to college now, meet total strangers who are ten times cooler and smarter than I am. Also, I want to let you know that I don’t know even one of my classmates, this is all what I’m assuming.
When I say that, I wonder, why do I do this to myself? Just assume that I’m not cool enough or smart enough, that I won’t get any friends, that I’m not worth it and the list goes on. Even now as I type this I’m thinking that this piece of writing sucks, nobody will read it let alone like it, I should just stop writing. This feeling of being inadequate in comparison to all the other people out there is a dear old friend. There’s also the feeling of feeling like a fraud all the time no matter how well you do. I recently learnt that this feeling has a name, Imposter Syndrome. Sometimes I feel like I have it and some other times I feel like I’m not really qualified to be making that diagnosis. The latter is true but the former, maybe not. I know I’ll never find out how all of this will turn out unless college officially starts and I get the hang of it. I know there’ll be people who get me and I them, I know I deserve to have all the fun and friends, I know all the pep talk in theory.
Nobody told me about this. This huge change which is shoved down my throat as a part of entering the ‘real’ world. I think this is my Monica’s famous, “Welcome to the real world! It sucks, you are gonna love it.” moment. In this ‘real’ world something that I’m always running low on is confidence.
Confidence and I never really got along. I look at people who are so fulfilled with themselves and carry themselves with such confidence and I’m like damn, I wish I just got an ounce of that. Yesterday I went to this really posh café, the ones where they have fancy chalk boards and dishes on their menu you can’t pronounce. Which is welcoming and unwelcoming at the same time. There was this woman who was preceding me in the queue, very well-dressed. Just standing near her made me feel intimidated. When she ordered a bunch of donuts and cheesecakes I just kept observing the confidence with which she carried herself and was trying to model it when it was my turn to order. It was well established that I wasn’t even close to her but then well, I’m trying and learning. And I got to eat the best ‘sticky toffee pudding’ and know what it tastes like. So, I call it a win.
Now, it’s a few days later and I’m feeling joy, something I haven’t felt in a long time. Raghu Dixit takes the stage as his song plays on the speaker, man the things a good song can do! Now, I feel like I can do this, get through college just fine, make friends, also be myself wholly and proudly, without feeling a tad bit apologetic. And when I go back to feeling anxious, which I’m highly capable of, I’ll just listen to music, meditate and remind myself how I got to feeling this joy. Because this joy is something everyone deserves to experience.
This feeling of overwhelm took me on a journey, and it just started. Right now I’m at the ‘Joy’ station. This journey has a plethora of stops and I’ll get through them eventually, get some memories and souvenirs. I’ll also forget stuff behind. This is probably going to be my Naina moment from YJHD, where she removes her glasses and becomes all hot and confident. I’ll find out. Might go MIA for a bit in this journey but will also come back. But for now, I’m going to go and vibe to some more Raghu Dixit music and make up scenarios in my head.
-Impana A Jain.
1st Year, BA PyEJ
