Give Yourself the Gift of Compassion
by Jillian Perkins-Marsh, alumni career counsellor
Last year, I attended a professional development seminar with Dr. Kristin Neff, a well-known human development researcher. The conference room was jam packed with like-minded professionals who were eagerly looking for strategies to use in their counselling work. We listened intently to Dr. Neff’s calm voice, sharing both her personal stories and research that shows self-compassion is a key to having a greater sense of well-being.
I left the conference with a new positive mindset to use in my own life and to share with others. The prospect of learning more was so exciting that I purchased her book, ‘The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself: Self Compassion’ and intended to start reading it that night!
And then, well, that didn’t actually happen until last week.
I do wish that I had made time months ago to read her book, but the reality is that it kept getting re-prioritized. Life is busy. Instead of beating myself up about being lazy, I can now use her techniques to allow myself some much needed self-compassion. It would sound something like, “That was admirable intent, though you’ve been focused on other readings that were also important. Good for you that you found some time and completed your goal.”
While I read, I couldn’t help but notice that the concept of self-compassion is like a culmination of wise sayings like, “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” or “It could be worse.” The difference being that self-compassion takes us a step further to embrace the message in a mindful manner. She encourages recognition of the human experience of adversity, as it connects us with one another and offers comfort.
Her research has shown that those who are more compassionate towards themselves experience a greater sense of well-being compared to people who are self-critical.
When job seekers experience disappointment, like not hearing back from employers after putting their heart and soul into applications, or are rejected for a job after interviewing, negative self-talk creeps in. This negative self-talk takes an emotional toll.
The good news is that the emotional toll can be limited by changing the patterns of our critical self-talk. Here is my favourite exercise from the book (adapted) to give to folks who are trying to embrace self-compassion.
1. Be mindful when you are being self-critical and how you talk to yourself. Over the course of a few weeks, when you are feeling bad, notice what you are saying to yourself. What is the tone of voice you are using? Write down what you say to yourself.
2. Consciously soften the negative messages you are saying to yourself.
3. Reframe the messages in a kind and positive way. Consider how you would speak to a friend in the same situation. Write the positive messages down. Keep them around to read later.
4. Write yourself a compassion letter. First, think about the issue at hand and how you feel about it. Be honest with yourself.
Second, identify a non-judgmental friend who knows your history, strengths and weaknesses. From that perspective, write a letter back to yourself conveying compassion and acceptance. Set it aside for a while, then read it.
This exercise is a prerequisite in the job search process. The job search has plenty of ups and downs and it can be hard on one’s sense of self-esteem when the outcome is not always positive. Neff points out that ‘self-esteem’ is actually measured based on a comparison to others, and requires us to be continually ‘winning’ in life to maintain it.
No wonder it’s difficult to maintain a level amount of esteem. Self-compassion is more sustainable because its focus is on being non-judgemental and caring to yourself. It validates your experience, no matter what it is.
Even if you are not job searching during this busy holiday season, there are many expectations we have from our self, family, and/or friends about what a perfect holiday will look and feel like. So, when you are beating yourself up for leaving things to the last minute, or stressing about forgetting the one ingredient you needed for baking treats, take a deep breath. Then take another. Challenge yourself to notice what and how you are speaking to yourself and others around you. Accept that it is a stressful situation. Show compassion and understanding to yourself by changing your tone and speak to yourself as you would a friend. This too will pass.
