Bootleg AHOY Comics Prose: “Chestnuts Gathered by Nutty Squirrel”
Editor’s Note: With new comics and prose features from AHOY Comics currently unavailable due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the author, missing these comics and spending time in lockdown, decided to write his own bootleg AHOY prose stories. As a challenge, the author selected a random public domain comic book prose feature and — without reading the original — wrote a new story inspired by the feature’s title.
Mia was killing it. Nutty Squirrel was Mia’s favorite video game, and she guided Nutty to chestnut after chestnut, careful to avoid the lethal murder crows of the game’s boss antagonist, Barmy Wolf.
Xerxes walked into the living room, smoking one of his favorite Turkish brand cigarettes. Mia found their strong odor repulsive, and took offense that Xerxes was smoking in her house. He threw a large black duffel bag on the floor, near Mia’s feet.
Mia put the game controller down on the coffee table and gave Xerxes her full attention. Her business partner wore a stylish solid black suit and shirt, with a contrasting stark white necktie. Xerxes thought his attire made him look exotic and dangerous, but Mia thought it was a little showy. She preferred comfort to style, evidenced by the jeans and t-shirt she was wearing.
“What’s this?”
Xerxes took a drag on his cigarette. “Open it.”
Mia was careful. She put on the latex cleaning gloves that she had left on the table and leaned forward from the couch to unzip the bag. The bag was filled with hundred dollar bills.
Mia’s elation was short as she realized what was happening. She stood up to face Xerxes. She kept a safe distance.
“You’re buying me out?”
Xerxes shrugged, turning his head to the side so he could avoid eye contact. “I found some investors. It’s for the best. Simplifies things. Our buyers only need to deal with one contact, not two.”
Mia’s fists shook. She could feel her face turning red. “I’m the one who built this business! I secured the supply, I’ve been making the contacts, I’ve been keeping things under the radar!”
Xerxes approached her, but Mia recoiled. “Keep your distance!”
Xerxes nodded. “Don’t forget who has always been the muscle of this operation. I think it’s time to change things. I’m being generous. Take the money and leave town.”
“Leave town? Leave town! There’s nowhere for me to go!” Mia looked at her television. Nutty Squirrel was smiling on the frozen screen. It was a mischievous smile.
Mia sighed. She zipped up the duffel bag and picked it up from the floor. Xerxes was relieved that she had seen reason. He was surprised when Mia threw the bag at him, its weight knocking him back. Xerxes’ cigarette fell to the beige carpet as Mia jumped on him, her weight forcing him down. Holding the game controller in her fist as a weapon, Mia bludgeoned Xerxes’ face over and over. Splattered blood covered her shirt and gloves.
With Xerxes unconscious, Mia choked him until his body stopped twitching. In shock, she stood up and made her way to the basement, looking for a shovel.
Mia surveyed her treasure, a hoard of toilet paper that filled the entire basement. She had used her position as a university facilities manager to acquire her stash from campus buildings made empty by the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. People were paying ridiculous money for these rolls. Xerxes, a campus janitor, had been useful in helping Mia move heavy giant boxes filled with toilet paper to and from her home, but the bastard had gotten greedy.
These rolls were Mia’s chestnuts, and no one else’s.
As noted above, this story is a “bootleg AHOY Comics prose story”; AHOY Comics was not involved in its creation. The author looks forward to the end of the COVID-19 pandemic and the return of AHOY’s comics and prose features.
You can find out more about AHOY Comics on its website or on Twitter.
If you want to write your own bootleg AHOY Comics prose stories at home using the author’s method of picking a random public domain comic book prose feature’s title for inspiration (of course you do!), the Digital Comic Museum is a wonderful source of Golden Age public domain comics that are fun to read.
For this story, the author randomly selected the prose feature “Chestnuts Gathered by Nutty Squirrel” in Monkeyshines Comics #22 (Ace Periodicals, 1948; the story’s original author and illustrator are unknown to the author). You can read the the original prose feature here.
The text, images, and characters above are the property of their respective owner(s), and are presented here for not-for-profit, educational , and parody purposes only under the fair use doctrine of the copyright laws of the United States of America.
Disclosure: The author has submitted prose stories to AHOY Comics for publication consideration in the past. However, the above story was written as a sincere, unsolicited fan piece inspired by AHOY’s prose features with no financial arrangement or understanding between the author and AHOY Comics. The author believes that ethical transparency is important in comics blogging.
