The Secret Dictionary Club investigates ‘Dying is Easy’
CHAPTER ONE: THE DICKS ASSEMBLE
Current members of the Secret Dictionary Club at Addams Preparatory were unsure whether the group’s 19th Century founders wanted a secret “dictionary club” (that is, a secret society of word enthusiasts) or a “secret dictionary” club (an exclusive clique sharing a cultish devotion to an apparently long-lost, generally unknown dictionary); regardless, members used their closed meetings to discuss comics, girls, and the occult.
Oliver, a senior with a distinguished circus family pedigree, called the gathering to order. About twenty teenage boys, still wearing uniforms in the afternoon hours between their last class of the day and the boarding school’s cafeteria dinner, sat down on the chairs arranged before Ollie’s lectern. Members jokingly referred to themselves as “The Dicks,” and Ollie, as the group’s leader, had the coveted honorific of “Top Dick.”
“We’re all loving those Hill House Comics titles from DC Comics. I’d like to thank Bob for leading the book club discussion on Plunge last week.” There was applause for Bob; the pudgy junior sat in the front row and gave a modest wave to acknowledge the praise. Another junior, Bryce, seated in a middle row, took note; Bryce wanted to succeed Ollie as Top Dick next year, and knew Bob would be his rival in the upcoming club election.
“Some have requested that we discuss another Joe Hill book, from IDW Publishing, the mystery at the heart of Dying is Easy, so I’ll open the floor to comment.”
A sophomore stood up in the last row along the back wall of the “Coal Bin” — so named because the basement room once stored the coal used to fuel a now-defunct furnace; the room seemed forgotten by the school’s administration, and the room’s bootleg door key was passed down each year from Top Dick to Top Dick.
“Um, maybe this would be a good time to dismiss any Dicks who haven’t read all the current issues, to avoid spoilers,” said the shy sophomore; the boy hoped his suggestion would be well-received by the club, and it was, based on the approving nods of other Dicks.
“Good point,” said Oliver, adding with great emphasis: “We’re about to go Sherlock Holmes up in here, so anyone who hasn’t read the first four issues of Dying is Easy SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE THIS DISCUSSION RIGHT NOW!”
No one left the room. Bryce was not surprised; the series was popular. The artwork of Martin Simmonds, with colorist Dee Cunniffe, impressed many Dicks, and the comic’s 1990s comedy scene setting, combined with the action tempo of a Die Hard movie and a gripping mystery premise, made Dying is Easy a club favorite.
The pleased sophomore sat down. A more confident senior stood to praise Hill’s writing.
“Hill blends the adventure and detective elements like a…”
“LET’S STEP BACK A MINUTE!” yelled Bob, commanding the attention of the room as he stood; it was part of Bob’s mystique that he could garner the club’s admiration with his distinctive oratorical style of yelling at his audience. The senior sat back down to yield the floor to Bob. “HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW!”
Bryce envied his fat rival’s eloquence as Bob summarized the comic’s premise: Syd Homes, a former homicide detective who now makes his living as a stand-up comedian, is suspected of murdering fellow comedian Carl Dixon. Dixon’s career is on the rise, with appearances on Jay Leno’s The Tonight Show and an episode of Friends forthcoming. One night at a comedy club, Syd learns that Dixon has been stealing his jokes, and confronts Carl outside. Syd leaves Dixon beaten up in the club’s alley, but the next morning Syd learns that Dixon has been murdered — beaten and then drowned in an alley puddle — with Syd being the primary suspect in the police investigation.
Each perfect word that Bob yelled threatened Bryce’s ambition to be Top Dick. Given the topic under discussion, Bob’s discordant yelling, and his current state of mind, Bryce wondered how easy killing someone would be.
Bob finished his summary, and Bryce, not wanting to be left out of the discussion, stood to share his perspective. “Remember, Syd and Carl were not the only two in the alley that night. Linda and Tom Ulwin, with their friends, Harry and Jean Quirke, were also there a little earlier, to confront Syd. While a police officer, Syd investigated the death of Barbara Shine’s toddler, which led to Barbara committing suicide, and Barbara was Linda’s sister. Syd is haunted by her death, and that exchange with Linda was pretty raw.”
“Good point,” said Oliver. “And the Ross brothers — Gil and Mosley — were also there earlier to reclaim money their father’s pawn shop had given to Dixon. Dixon had pawned stolen items to Ross Pawn, specifically several items stolen from the car of comedian Mo Larsen. The Ross’ dad, an honest pawnbroker, wanted his money back.”
“That’s right,” said Bryce. “Syd initially suspects the Ross brothers of the murder. In the alley he noticed Carl was rolling a joint with a Ross Pawn claim ticket, and he hears that club waitress Veronica Diehl had seen the Ross brothers spending money out of a Saint Laurent wallet similar to the one owned by Dixon.”
“But the Ross brothers were a red herring,” said Oliver. “Dixon’s lover and patron, the producer Renata Glover, confirmed that Dixon had called her right after the confrontation with the Ross brothers. It wasn’t them.”
“BUT WE DO KNOW THAT DIXON WAS STEALING FROM HIS FELLOW COMEDIANS AND PAWNING THE GOODS!” said Bob. “THE GUY WAS A JACKASS!”
“Agreed,” said Oliver. “But Mo Larsen made it clear to Syd that Dixon could not have stolen the items from Mo’s car, as Dixon was doing a set at the club when the items were stolen.”
“Which means he was working with someone,” said Bryce. “Possibly the ‘young lady’ Old Man Ross mentioned to Syd. This young lady clearly knew Dixon had an account at the pawn shop. Could she have been an accomplice to Dixon’s thefts, and could she have killed Dixon? And who was this ‘young lady’?”
Grant, a handsome senior sitting in the row behind Bryce, shared that he and Tina, a cute amateur sleuth and a junior at Addam’s sister school St. Barb’s, had talked about the comic the previous night while investigating a nearby haunted house. “Tina thought it might be Veronica, the waitress. Veronica’s a young woman, she works at the club, and she did tell people she saw the Ross brothers with a wallet similar to Dixon’s, which set them up as suspects.”
A brutish junior named Drew sat a few chairs away from Grant, on the principle that you should keep your enemies close. Drew seethed that Grant was dating his crush Tina; investigating a haunted house was Netflix and chill for those two. “And don’t forget the ice pick,” said Drew. “The coroner’s report said he was struck in the back of the head by ‘something like an ice pick’ that didn’t penetrate the skull. As a waitress, Veronica would likely have access to an ice pick.”
“True,” said Bryce. “But I don’t think it’s her. Recall what Old Man Ross said to Dixon about this mysterious young woman. She came to the shop to pawn a diamond necklace on Dixon’s account. Ross thought the necklace was stolen and refused. The woman said it wasn’t stolen, but made sure to tip Mr. Ross off that Dixon’s other items were hot. Where would Veronica have gotten a diamond necklace?”
“If not Veronica, then who?” asked Grant.
“Here’s where Simmonds’ beautiful art comes in. The only character with a conspicuous necklace in this comic is Dixon’s lover, Renata Glover.”
“BUT GLOVER HAS A PEARL NECKLACE!” interjected Bob; several sophomores in the back rows snickered at the mention of “pearl necklace” but Bob did not seem to notice. “AND SHE IS NOT A YOUNG WOMAN!”
Bryce was delighted that he had the opportunity to school Bob. “Correct. Renata is not the ‘young lady’ possibly aiding Dixon in his thefts. But recall that Renata has a young daughter that Syd met. Simmonds depicts her hovering in the background as Syd questions Renata.”
“The girl with the heart-shaped glasses?” asked Grant. “I didn’t even realize she was a significant character.”
“That’s right — the girl with the heart-shaped glasses,” said Bryce. “Again, the details of Simmonds’ art are crucial. When Syd looks at Dixon’s pawned items, he sees all of Mo Larsen’s stolen items — the comic books, the Saint Christopher medal, and the Richard Pryor baseball card. But there is one other item that wasn’t stolen from Mo, an art book on Picasso, with the following dedication: ‘I love you, you crazy, funny genius’ and signed ‘Your Queen of Hearts’.”
There was several gasps of astonishment throughout the room as the Dicks began to follow Bryce’s logic. The art book was a gift to Dixon from the daughter, which Dixon pawned for money, as he no longer had a use for the book, or the daughter. But some were not yet convinced.
“BUT THE STORY DOES NOT SET UP THIS RELATIONSHIP TO THE DAUGHTER AT ALL!” said Bob. “IT’S A STRETCH, THE ONLY CONNECTION BEING THE DAUGHTER’S HEART-SHAPED GLASSES AND THE DEDICATION IN THE BOOK!”
Bryce took a deep breath, a dramatic pause before delivering the final stroke of his argument. “But the comic does establish that Dixon had a relationship with the daughter. In the first issue, as part of his set, Dixon jokes that he asked a girl if he could try something different in bed, and she agrees, so he ‘fucked her mother’!”
“Holy shit,” said Grant. “The joke was based on actual events. Dixon was dating this young girl, bringing her into his criminal activities, then trades up for her producer mother when he realizes that she can advance his career.”
“Exactly,” said Bryce. “Which makes the daughter a top suspect as the ‘young lady’ at the pawn shop. She no doubt wanted payback against Dixon, which is why she tipped Ross on Dixon’s stolen items. Veronica’s identification of the Ross brothers’ wallet as similar to Dixon’s is problematic, but I don’t think she’s the ‘young lady’ Ross saw. And it still doesn’t address the ice pick issue, and the daughter was not seen at the club on the night of the murder.”
Pierre stood up; he had everyone’s attention. Although the lanky junior was born and raised along the bayous of Louisiana (his father was a celebrity Cajun chef), Pierre had the odd affectation of speaking like the Quint character from his favorite movie, Jaws.
“Somethin’ we should consider is that Dixon wasn’t the target. There’s other clues that point to Tom Ulwin. Syd remembers that Linda Ulwin dropped her purse in the alley during their confrontation. That purse was not at the crime scene, and Syd learns from Jean Quirke that only three of their party of four left that night together.”
“You’re getting ahead of me, Pierre,” said Bryce. “You’re right. Linda drops her purse, and Tom’s glasses fall to the ground, broken. They leave the alley, and later Syd and Dixon have their confrontation, where Dixon imitates Syd’s voice, mocking Syd about his past investigation leading to the suicide of Barbara Shine.”
“When they noticed Linda’s purse was missing, it would be gentlemanly for Tom to go back and get it,” said Oliver.
“Yes. Tom lets Linda go home with the Quirkes, stays behind to look for Linda’s purse. It’s dark, Tom’s glasses are broken, he hears Dixon speaking, who he thinks is Syd because of Dixon’s imitation, and becomes enraged.”
“AND THE ICE PICK?” asked Bob.
“The coroner’s report said ‘something like an ice pick’,” corrected Bryce. “The ‘ice pick’ did not penetrate the skull, but left a crack. My theory is that Tom Ulwin used his broken glasses to hit Dixon — who Tom thinks is Syd — in the back of the head and drowns him in the puddle, in his mind avenging the honor of his wife and dead sister-in-law.”
After a pause, Bryce added, “In issue two, Tom is depicted talking to Linda, without wearing his glasses.”
The room was silent. Oliver clapped, and the other Dicks joined him.
“I don’t know if your theory is right,” said Oliver. “But if it is, Dixon dying because of his comedic craft in imitating Syd would be a funny irony.”
“BUT WHAT ABOUT DIXON’S MISSING WALLET?” shouted Bob, his face red. “WHY WOULD TOM TAKE DIXON’S WALLET? AND WHY DID VERONICA SAY SHE SAW THE DIXON BROTHERS WITH IT?”
“I’m unclear about that myself,” said Bryce. “One theory I have is that Tom may have taken the wallet to make the murder look like a robbery gone bad. The Ross brothers may have had a similar wallet, a coincidence, and Veronica reported it correctly. Another theory is maybe Veronica went outside after Mo Larsen found the body and lifted the wallet; she clearly dreams of travelling and having more money, and maybe she figured Dixon didn’t need it, and tipped the police towards two strangers she had never seen in the bar before, so she could deflect suspicion. I hope it turns out to be the former theory, and not the latter, because I like Veronica as a character.”
The discussion was interrupted as several members gasped and covered their noses with blazer collars. “Who farted?” yelled one disgusted junior, as others started laughing and waving their hands before their noses to fan away the stench. Top Dick Ollie was laughing too hard to call for order.
“Drew, was that you?” joked Grant. It was not Drew who had farted, but the teasing question from Grant was a personal social injury that broke Drew’s composure. Drew charged at Grant with murderous rage.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Editor’s Note: It looks like the Secret Dictionary Club will have to wait until June 17, 2020 to find out if Bryce’s theory of the case is correct in issue five of Dying is Easy. Copies of Dying is Easy can be purchased online or from your local comic shop.
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