Islamic Culture and Online Dating

Swipe right or left? What factors do people account for when they swipe right on an online dating app? Would you be so confident in expressing your interest in person? A friend of mine that I interviewed for this ethnography said that “online dating is easier and more efficient.” Her biggest driving factor is efficiency. As a neurophysiology and public health major on a premed track, she doesn’t have much time on her hands for socialization. Online dating helps her meet people more efficiently because the apps will match her to people of similar personalities and interests. If they hit it off then great, but if not, then online rejection is a softer blow. To continue my research further, I focused specifically on Muslim online dating. What factors led my friend to online dating as practicing Muslim youths?

This ethnography focuses on online dating, and how it relates specifically to the Muslim demographic. This includes studying the diversity of Muslims and Muslim dating applications, and how they differ in what they have to offer. Online dating is not a new phenomenon, and it has been studied before by several scholars that focus on a variety of ethnographies. For example, one example of an online dating ethnography that I read in my research is “Why Swipe Right?”, written by Stephanie Braziel. This specific ethnography on online dating focused on how and why college students use the smartphone dating app. However, there is little that ethnographers and scholars have to offer about the Muslim demographics relationship to online dating. I draw on my theory that the increase in online dating amongst Muslims is a result of the shift in culture between digital natives and digital immigrants. This shift in digital culture along with the perception of Islamic culture has also attributed to this increase in Muslim online dating.

The first thing I focused on was the diversity of Muslims, so I interviewed two completely different types of Muslims. These were two people that were searching for different types of relationships online and came from two distinctly different cultural groups. However, before beginning my interview I realized that this was a sensitive topic for both interviewees to talk about. In Biruk’s reading, she emphasized the importance of making people comfortable. For example, she was gathering data from people in Malawi, and her way of thanking them and helping them feel more comfortable was by gifting them with two bars of soap. “The logic of giving a small gift for research participation emerges from human subjects research ethical standards rooted in an ideal- type agentive subject who participates altruistically in research and thus provides pure, untainted (truthful) information.”(Biruk 2018, 101) My foremost concern before beginning my interviews was to ensure the comfort of both people so that they could share accurate and truthful information with me. One major ethical concern that applied specifically to my interviewees and research was the concept of anonymity. My ethnography aims to discuss cultural taboos within the Muslim community and how they are working to push Muslim youth into un-Islamic practices. Due to the sensitivity of the topic, making sure the identities of people I interview are kept anonymous are an important aspect to this ethnography.

The use of mobile technologies made my research easier because it made it simple and quick to reach out to a diverse population of Muslims. Another aspect in this ethnography was researching the different kinds of applications available, which I divided between matrimony apps and dating apps. Mobile technologies made this task simple as well because I was able to download the applications from the play store in order to conduct research to find the differences between the two. The first person I interviewed was focused on using dating apps, and the second person that I interviewed was focused on matrimonial apps. One research question that I am focusing on is what divides the Muslim community? When dating is so taboo, what drives people to take part in online dating? One thing I have discovered in my research is the existence of not only a multitude of Muslim dating apps, but a large variety of dating options within them. For example, there are Muslim dating apps that target specific ethnicities, like Arabs or Indians. There are also dating apps that target different sexualities, like the LGBT Muslim communities.

Culture and religion are mutually exclusive factors. What is expressed through a culture is not always dictated by the religion. Religion is timeless, and culture is constantly evolving. From both of the interviews that I conducted through my research, I learned that there was a common factor that led both Muslims to online dating: cultural ramifications. In Muslim society, culture has made several points of discussion taboo, and dating is one of them. Culture has begun to dictate marriage laws rather than the religion that the society follows. This has ultimately become one of the reasons Muslim youth turn to online dating. According to the second person I interviewed, at least if it’s online “nobody can see it, and nobody can judge”.

In his reading, Boellstorff mentions that “non-textual forms of presenting research have been used to convey ethnographic work.” (Boellstorff 2012, 189) Traditionally, these non-textual forms of presentations were limited to photography, film, and performances. However, I believe that with the increase in mobile technologies, this can extend to visuals such as screenshots as well. In order to gather research for my ethnography, a lot of it was done by recording my findings from my phone by taking screenshots of what I saw. Not only that, but the people I interviewed also sent me screenshots of their online dating conversations so that I could gain a better understanding of what types of conversations take place and what people look for on these sites and apps.

The first person that I interviewed chooses to online date for several reasons. One reason is because it is efficient and easier. Most dating sites and apps take your information to define your personality and proceed to match you with people with similar data. Sometimes it can work out, but if it doesn’t there is little heartbreak because you never met. It is efficient because she is one of those people who does not have much time to spend getting involved in serious relationships. Online dating is easier in this aspect because you can get to know someone without the commitment of having to go out and spend time in person. However, her next reason is related to culture. Like many of the Muslim youth that live in the United States, she was raised here among a diverse population of people and cultures. However, her culture is what prohibits her from pursuing someone outside her own. Interracial marriages are encouraged in Islam. However, that is something that Muslim culture frowns upon. This is an instance where a divide is created between culture and religion. Therefore, another reason she prefers to online date is because she can get to know someone despite their ethnicity without society watching and judging her every move. Unlike her parents, she was raised while attending co-ed schools her entire life. She believes that due to the diversity she has always been exposed to, it’s unfair for her culture to expect her to limit herself in terms of finding a husband in the future. However, since she is not looking for a serious relationship right now, she uses dating apps in order to better gauge what Muslims from other cultures are like.

The next person I interviewed also had similar reasons for online dating. However, he is more active on matrimonial sites rather than dating apps. Matrimonial sites are meant for people who are specifically looking to get married, whereas dating sites are to “get to know people for fun”. According to him, they are not as serious and don’t require as much commitment. He prefers matrimonial sites instead of going about getting married the traditional way because he does not want his parents to pick someone for him. Culturally, arranged marriages are a tradition within many Muslim communities, but this is a concept that Muslim youth are beginning to shy away from. A reason for this is highlighted in Archambault’s reading, where she talks about how people are now able to directly talk to people of interest through mobile features such as texting instead of being set up by match makers or family members. In her book, Archambault defines digital/mobile intimacy through providing examples of the relationships that mobile phones create. In chapter four, she also talks about how the mobile phone has played a key role in creating new networks amongst people, including illicit affairs. However, we also learned in her book that this immediate and quick access to intimate relationships can easily cause distrust and breakups as well (Archambault 2017). Another reason he is less inclined to start a relationship with someone in person is due to fear of it not working out and the cultural ramifications he would face from society. This is another instance where Islamic culture has given another Muslim youth a reason to online date.

One clear distinction I made between the two people I interviewed and their choice of using a dating app or matrimonial app was their intention. From the research I gathered by reading through personal online conversations and screenshots, I found that many Muslim youth who prefer to use dating apps just wanted a friend rather than a partner. There was less commitment involved in an online dating relationship and many Muslim youth turned to online “dating” as a way of meeting people like themselves, people that felt suffocated by Islamic culture. From my research, dating applications were used as a platform to form close networks and relationships that stemmed from users being able to relate to each other. On the other hand, conversations on matrimonial apps consisted of key phrases such as “where are you from?”, “what’s your ethnicity?”, “how old are you?”, and “what are you studying/what do you do?” Matrimonial conversations were often concise and got right to the point because the users intention is a long-term relationship which is most likely marriage. The point of these basic questions was for the person to quickly gauge whether they were talking to someone they could potentially marry or not. So while conversations on traditional dating apps were more relaxed and slow, conversations on matrimonial apps were a lot more concise, where people were explicit about what they were looking for.

However, a clear similarity that led both interviewees to online dating was their culture. My first interviewee focused on online dating as a way to find people that she could relate to regarding her culture. She expressed that “culture is so restricting even though Islam doesn’t say I can’t marry someone outside my culture. It’s a growing problem among college kids because we interact with such a diverse population of people. It’s impossible to not talk to boys in co-ed colleges or to never have feelings for someone my parents wouldn’t approve of simply due to the fact that he’s not from Bangladesh like me.” For her, online dating was easier not only because it was efficient, but because online relationships are also easier to hide. She didn’t want her parent’s superficial demands to restrict her from meeting people that her religion did not forbid her from. My second interviewee expressed that he used matrimonial apps because “My parents had an arranged marriage when my mom was only 21. Neither of them got much of a say in it because their parents set it up for them. They didn’t know each other at all before they were married, and I strongly believe that many of the problems in their marriage are due to that fact. Sure, arranged marriages are statistically more successful, but if you look beyond the statistics, that marriage is holding on solely due to cultural ramifications of divorce, like my parents.” The reason for his participation in this online culture highlighted major concerns that Muslim youth have in America. One of those concerns is arranged marriage, which is surprisingly common in immigrant families.

Among the online dating and matrimonial apps, I also discovered Muslim dating apps for Gay men. From my research, I can draw the conclusion that Islamic culture can often be ruthless and judgmental. Being gay is not only a struggle for Muslims, but for people across any religious spectrum. Considering that same-sex marriages were legalized only three years ago, trolling and bullying is still a common problem for this specific demographic. The fact that being gay is culturally and socially unacceptable in Islamic communities is another reason that contributes to the use of online dating apps. In her reading, Phillips focused on the anonymity of trolls. For example, “Most obviously, anonymity allows trolls to engage in behaviors they would never replicate in professional or otherwise public settings, either because the specific behaviors would be considered socially unacceptable, or because the trolls’ online persona would clash with their offline circumstances.” (Phillips 2015, 25) This aspect of trolling is something that is dangerously close to the act of cyber bullying. Individuals take part in cyber bullying because they can do it anonymously, and because their behaviors would be considered socially unacceptable.

Something that I have noticed growing up in a Muslim community myself is the quickness to judge another person. This is something that mostly exists in older generations, but it does end up being taught to children who start believing the same things. I believe that online trolling is another factor in the divide of Muslim communities today, to the point where people resort to dating apps because they fear being bullied. In this case, trolling becomes an act of cyber bullying that targets specific communities. The result of this can often push people to finding online communities that relate to themselves. In this case, that would be a Muslim Dating apps for the LGBT community.

From my research, I can tell that many reasons for online dating or the use of online matrimonial apps circle around complex cultural issues within Muslim communities. There is a strong divide between the youth and the older generations. The conflict results from a clash between generations because many parents were raised in communities with little interaction with the opposite sex and where arranged marriages were very common. There was also little exposure to people from LGBTQ communities, which has been considered a taboo concept among many cultures. However, this generational and cultural gap makes it hard for them to understand that Muslim youth in America are exposed to different genders and a multitude of different cultures on a daily basis, making interracial and intercultural marriage and relationships the norm for them. Another major reason for the use of online based apps is because of the rise in people identifying themselves as LGBTQ, which is also different than the norm older generations are used to. From my research, this lack of understanding within Islamic cultures is the biggest reason that leads the Muslim youth to choose to online date.

Bibliography

Archambault, Julie Soleil. Mobile Secrets: Youth, Intimacy, and the Politics of Pretense in Mozambique. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, 2017.

Biruk, Crystal. Cooking Data: Culture and Politics in an African Research World. Durham, NC: Duke University Press, 2018.

Boellstorff, Tom. Ethnography and Virtual Worlds: A Handbook of Method. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2012.

Phillips, Whitney. This Is Why We Cant Have Nice Things: Mapping the Relationship between Online Trolling and Mainstream Culture. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 2016.