Cynical Self-Help

Photo by Riccardo Bernucci

Potted Plants: How To Care For A Living Thing Other Than Yourself

Why You Should Want A Houseplant

• Nothing says “I’m a real adult” like self inflicted responsibilities. But, if you’re not quite ready for a pet, and can barely take care of yourself, then oh boy, do I have the thing for you. It’s called a plant.
• Fun fact: Houseplants are one of the few industries that millennials aren’t killing. That’s because when you’re failing at everything, your life is out of control, and you just want to feel happy again, taking care of something can help you believe that you have a purpose in life. In other words, fake it ‘till you make it!
• Plants purify the air and remove harmful chemicals, helping you maintain a healthy home or work environment — just kidding, that isn’t actually true! However, scientifically speaking, plants do improve mental health, and they’re cheaper than a therapist, so what choice do you really have?
• Impress your friends, family, and significant other by seeming like you give a damn about interior decor!

Where To Get One

• Obviously, you could go to a nursery or plant store, and an employee who actually knows what she is talking about could help you pick out a plant and tell you how to take care of it. However, that would defeat the purpose of this guide, so I’ll assume you’re shopping in the garden section of a store like Lowe’s or Home Depot, or Walmart.
• If you want to spend a minimal amount of money, check the clearance section, where some negligent store employee is inadvertently making potpourri out of living plants. They haven’t been watered in weeks and the leaves share a similar texture with Pringles, which is why this is a great section for first-time plant owners! By finding the best looking specimen in the houseplant graveyard that is the clearance rack, you can be sure that the one you choose is basically unkillable.
• If you want even cheaper plants, check the free section of Craigslist. People will often give away large, healthy houseplants before they move, or cuttings from when they trim their plants. However, you may want to be careful telling people about this technique. From personal experience, the sentence “I got potted plants from Craigslist” will be misheard as “I got pot plants from Craigslist,” 90% of the time.

How To Choose Your Plants

• Be warned that flowering plants can die once they stop flowering, or, depending on the type of plant, may end up looking so pathetic that you wish it would die, and put both of you out of your misery.
• If you are afraid of responsibility, or talented at negligence, your best bets are a pothos vine, spider plant, succulent, snake plant, peace lily, or air plant.
• Air plants: If it comes superglued to a tacky container, it will probably die. Also, be sure to carefully read the attached instructions so that you know exactly what not to do. No living thing can actually stay alive by being “lightly misted every one to two weeks,” so look up real instructions online.

How Not To Kill Them

• You have to actually water your plants. Yes, I know, it’s a succulent. Water it anyway. But also, don’t water it every single day. Sound difficult? Apparently so, judging from how many plants my housemates have killed this year. You can give most plants tap water, or even seltzer water if for some reason you want to do that. Some plants need filtered water. Here is a list of things that aren’t water: tea, coffee, alcoholic beverages, juice, milk, soda, Redbull. You shouldn’t just pour your half finished drink into a plant, and yet, people still do it.
• Research the specific care requirements of your plant. If it came with a label, there’s a chance the instructions are at least partially wrong, and may not even be meant for the correct species. You can download a plant identification app to help with this, and to make you look weird as you stand in the aisle of Lowe’s taking pictures of leaves.
• Don’t leave your houseplants with that one friend. You know the one. He will kill your plants. Yes, he’ll be here while you’re on vacation, yes, he offered, but let me ask you, have you ever actually seen him take care of a living thing successfully? I didn’t think so. He is not a responsible adult, but you are, because now you have a plant.