5 Reasons Why Gender Reveal Parties Suck
By Daniel Lara (he/him)
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There are certain fads in history that are (fortunately) considered just that, fads, because they were unable to stand the test of time. They were short-lived moments — temporary cultural phenomena — sometimes dangerous and often regrettable, like witch trials and low-rise jeans. As we look to the present day, there are trends and behaviors that will withstand the changing times and thrive as a permanent mainstay. On the contrary, there are things that will (and should) buckle under the pressure of an ever-changing, more mindful population. These are our dying fads, and gender reveal parties are one of them.
Yes, gender reveal parties, those mostly backyard events where people gather around a dry cake with too much fondant, where drunken aunts and uncles heckle from behind a camera, where expecting parents treat the anatomy of an unborn child like the Vatican picking a new Pope, where the identity of a new life is already established without the life ever being lived.
In the late 2000s, gender reveal parties sprung up faster than a Spirit Halloween Store. It originated in America, and it’s not surprising considering the United States has long endured a culture where gender identity is often placed in a binary box by the majority. Also, people like to break and blow up shit here.
Through the shareable technology of social media, gender reveal parties became a viral trend. The idea that mothers and fathers would celebrate the unveiling of their baby’s gender with family and friends, and turn what was usually an intimate moment between parents and medical staff into a spectacle seemed special, and it took off.
As much as life is worth celebrating (I mean, that’s why birthdays exist, right?), gender reveal parties over the past decade have clearly exemplified the notion of when good intentions turn bad. And when a trend veers into the zeitgeist as bad or even harmful, you start to wonder why it deserves permanence in our society. In the case of gender reveal parties, the answer is: hell no.
So, here are five reasons why gender reveals parties suck, and why they deserve to be distinguished as a fad, having no place in our future, just our poignant past.
Sex and gender are not the same
Gender reveal parties are founded in the belief that humans are either a boy or a girl, and it’s this narrowed ideology that becomes problematic in a reality where gender is far more expansive. According to Margarida Rafael, a licensed psychologist, “Sex identification does not necessarily have to do with gender characteristics. The problem with this issue begins exactly here when we consider gender and sex the same thing and use the word gender to describe the sex by linking both of those different concepts.”
A child’s frame of mind begins with the parents’. In the case of gender reveal parties, parents are already establishing a confined space for their unborn child where their sex ultimately controls their gender identity.
“It’s limiting to the unborn child, as the parents, the family, and all of those involved in a gender reveal party are assuming that the sex of the baby is how he or she will undoubtedly identify, creating a structured, binary, and limiting environment for the child’s development,” says Rafael.
And as we’ve come to know, gender can be fluid, so it’s imperative that a baby — a person — is nurtured in this belief; that even before they’re born, the environment around them acknowledges this.
Reinforces harmful narratives guided by a binary agenda
Through gender reveal parties, the classification of boy or girl is relegated to certain gender-normative assignments. Color, for example, is one of them. As part of the gender binary perspective, blue is synonymous with male (and a penis) and pink for female (and a vagina).
There are many permutations of human genders and identities, where life isn’t seen as just black and white, or in this case, blue and pink. It’s a spectrum of colors and of possibilities. Why can’t a boy gravitate to the color purple? Why can’t a girl gravitate to black? Why must there be only two options for genders when there’s a whole rainbow of colors for a child to resonate with?
When it comes to color, as the baby grows, these associations stick, and as the child develops an identity, it becomes more challenging to separate their sexual anatomy at birth from their growing psychological and gender preferences. One can be born a female but identify as male. One can be born a male and identify as female. One can simply not identify with either male or female. And one can identify with both.
Most noticeably, Trans and nonbinary children are most threatened by this gender binary since many cultural and systemic beliefs don’t reconize these gender identities, thus creating long-lasting implications for these individuals.
Gender and identities are not a game
Over time, gamification added an extra level of excitement to gender reveal parties, giving party guests the chance to guess the gender in a type of competition. Blue or pink, boy or girl, depending on the color revealed, guests either cheer or jeer; either win or lose.
While seemingly fun, this ultimately has shifted the tone of gender reveal parties from a celebration to a contest, where the event establishes a set of winners and losers, thereby leaving space for negative sentiments among some guests. And for a party where new life is the central focus — a positive focus — there should be no such thing as a loser in attendance (maybe other than that one guest who brings the dry potato salad).
They create a toxic space
If you’ve ever come across a gender reveal video on any social channel (Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok, etc.), then you’ve probably already witnessed at least one scenario where, after the color of the gender is revealed, one parent shows enthusiasm while the other is visibly disappointed.
This is due to the toxic quality of expectations. In wellness beliefs, expectations are seen as hindrances for navigating life with appreciation and vigor. According to Roger Gabriel, a writer for the meditation organization Chopra, “One of the biggest causes of suffering in the world today is expectations. Imagine how free you would feel if every day you were able to just “go with the flow,” trusting that the Universe was organizing everything perfectly. Well, this is exactly what the Universe is doing, but by imposing your ideas of how things should be, you end up struggling against the current.”
When a parent expects a future child with a specific gender in mind, they inevitably establish space for resentment and disappointment around the development of their unborn baby. Rather than appreciate the gift of life itself, regardless of gender, some parents are consequently upset when the fantasy they’ve built in their head does not match reality.
They’re more performative than celebratory
The big reveal is the party’s main event and it’s done in a variety of ways depending on the creativity (or stupidity) of the party planner, from dyed cakes to sparklers to balloons to bombs. The bigger, the better; the more destructive, the more Grammable.
And over time, these gender reveals have become more performative, where the shock and awe factor is integrated into its execution. And, as these performances have become grander and more intricate, they’ve become more dangerous and hazardous to not only those in attendance, but to innocent strangers as well.
Within the past ten years, gender reveal parties are the cause of wildfires, plane crashes, and deaths. Ironically, a party intended to celebrate new life is now associated with sheer destruction.
And so, when you look at the five reasons above and how these events frankly suck, it’s hard to really even defend why these parties are worth having anymore. Sure, the excitement of having a child is party-worthy, but there are other ways to observe this momentous occasion that’s less harmful than gender reveal parties.
And truthfully, only you can prevent gender reveal parties and forest fires.
If you’re wondering what are other ways to celebrate the gift of new life, here are alternatives to a gender reveal party that are just as fun but are more mindful towards the future identity of this child, giving them space in the future to explore truly who they are on their own terms:
- Focus on the baby announcement: Celebrate the news of being pregnant. Of creating life. Of bringing a new person into the world. Minus all of the gender normative themes.
- Good old fashion baby shower: Similar to the baby announcement, this is a traditional event that’s stood the test of time, focusing on gifts for the baby, but similar to the above, avoid the gender normative themes by going neutral (neutral colors like yellows, whites, green, etc. and neutral).
- Astrological sign reveal: If a reveal is what you’re looking for, perhaps unveiling the baby’s zodiac sign (based on their expected birth date) is a good way to keep the suspense and excitement of the party high. Though, it might be wise to forgo the betting and contest route to avoid the having winners and losers. Instead, create an event where everyone learns and celebrates the meaning behind the sign.
Daniel Lara is a Central California-raised gay Chicano currently living in New York City. When he’s not working as a Program Manager for Discovery, Inc., he’s most certainly napping, or writing rom-coms, or reading rom-coms, or watching rom-coms, or trying desperately to live in a rom-com. You can follow him on Instagram @DanielAurelioLara for a look into his life, but you’re mostly gonna get thirst traps.
