Who Am I?

I recently wrote an article summarising a few decisions I took and how those decisions changed my life forever. Interestingly enough, I had to use the letter ‘I’ over fifty times while writing it!

Unsurprisingly, I can’t write much about myself without using the word ‘I’. Or can I?

There are around 8 billion people, and we all refer to ourselves as ‘I’. Who is that ‘I’ we go on about?

Is it our mind?

Is it our thoughts?

Is it the voice we hear inside of us at all times?

Is it our physical body?

To be honest, ‘I’ don’t know. But ‘I’ am on a quest to find the Truth!

The beginning!

In the beginning, I was not meant to find who I am. But now I know that it is in my destiny to find it.

I have been on an entrepreneurial journey for the past few years. As you know, there is a lot to on a timely manner if one has to be successful. I am trying hard to overcome the biggest hurdle of entrepreneurs everywhere-procrastination.

Sometimes, I procrastinate because of laziness, fear of failure, or even perfectionism. But on other occasions, I am unable to do things because I am overwhelmed. I feel guilty for not doing enough or wasting time, especially if I watch a movie or go out with my family. But then, I tell myself that mental health is essential and that guilt shouldn’t stop me from living my life.

Digging deep into self-criticism

I find it strange that sometimes I criticise myself. But, on the other hand, I console myself too. Sometimes I do things with urgency. Otherwise, I procrastinate.

This conflicting behaviour of mine has often left me confused.

I gradually decided to figure out why we do the things we do to ourselves. As a part of my research, I looked into all kinds of stuff related to the mind-procrastination included. And this was not limited to watching YouTube documentaries, reading books, or listening to podcasts.

A simple exercise that helped me understand the depth of the issue.

I occasionally work with a business performance coach. We discuss our tendency to procrastinate. Once, he asked me to log my time every half an hour and briefly mention what I was doing in those 30 minutes.

By doing that exercise, I noticed I spent a lot of time thinking and getting carried away when I engaged with random thoughts that came to my mind.

I understood that controlling my thoughts is the best way to become super productive.

Attempts to control my thoughts

Since then, I have put significant effort into controlling my thoughts. Yet, I was frustrated that they kept coming back without specific stimuli. Trying to control them looked absurd because I had little to no control over them.

My research into controlling our thoughts often ended up in meditation- a concept I had heard of but never wanted to try. However, as my frustration grew, I did not have an option apart from trying it.

Online Vs In-Person

During my attempts to learn meditation online, my thoughts naturally came to someone I knew who was learning to be a monk. He lived in an Ashram near the Himalayan valley.

I reached out to him and asked if he could teach me how to meditate. Though he could not help me himself, he referred me to someone who was on their journey to self-realisation.

I was getting very excited. It is not every day one gets such an opportunity. I could feel something change inside me. And it was a positive change!

A conversation that changed Everything: My first meeting with my teacher.

The first day with my teacher was truly memorable. It is one of the reasons that made me embark on this journey of finding Truth and purpose in life.

I told him about my story. I told him about my attempts at figuring out life, controlling my thoughts, and about how I found him.

My teacher was silent as he let me speak. But when I finished talking, he told me, “Since you started to speak, you have been using a lot of ‘I’; who is that ‘I’? What would you say if I asked you who you are?

I told him, “I am Jijo”, to which he replied that it is my name!

I repeated my answer, “I am Jijo. I work as a nurse in the UK.” He told me that now, I had told him my name, job and where I live.

I added a few things to my answer, but I knew I needed a better response to his question. I couldn’t find one, and that shook me up.

A New Journey

I learned the basics of meditation for the next 21 days. The lessons began as early as four in the morning, and I found it exciting.

My teacher believed in Hindu and Buddhist philosophy. According to these, Ego is the primary source of human suffering. Everything he taught me intended to reduce or silence my Ego so that I could find my true self.

The meditation lessons included breathing exercises, sadhanas, and some yoga. Everything taught was crucial in deflating my self-importance and improving my well-being.

A long Journey: Beyond our lifetimes

The question ‘Who am I?’ seemed very simple and superficial before I looked at it philosophically and spiritually. Practising meditation and searching for myself opened the door to spirituality. I did not seek it. It found me.

I firmly believe in karma and reincarnation now. As per my current spiritual belief, I have lived in this world before and will be reborn again unless I attain self-realisation or Moksha during this lifetime. I am uncertain of whether I will achieve self-realisation in this lifetime. But I am convinced that the effort I put in this life will carry on to the next and the life after that.

I would like to believe that I bumped into this question for a reason. Maybe even as a continuation of the journey I had taken up in my previous life cycles!