How to write a paper in grad school
Step 1: Open Word document (or any other word processing program but let’s not kid ourselves).
Step 2: Make sure set-up is adequate, with all necessary beverages, snacks, cell phone, folders and articles and writing utensils within reach.
Step 3: Realize you forgot your thumb drive, get up to retrieve it from your bag, on your way realize you need to go look in the bathroom mirror for a second, return to your seat, realize that in your detour you re-forgot your thumb drive, get up to get it again, return, insert into computer.
Step 4: Reward yourself for achieving the above by checking email, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc. This should only take about an hour.
Step 5: Back to work. Take a look at one of your articles. Scroll through your paper to decide which section to work on. Write a sentence. Write a second sentence. Start to get into a groove. Make solid progress for about 15 minutes. Feel great about yourself.
Step 6: Husband comes home from work. Break! Feel momentarily conflicted about breaking your 15-minute streak but quickly forget about it. Also dinner and chat time. Reconvene for paper in 2 hours.
Step 7: Return to work station. Decide on a plan of action, feel good about it for one minute, then panic. Go on Facebook instead for approximately 1.5 hours BUT WHATEVER YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO A GOOD FRIEND AND YOU CAN’T GO THROUGH LIFE JUST WORKING ON PAPERS AND NOT TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS LIFE IS ABOUT EXPERIENCES.
Step 8: Wonder what you’re doing with your life and why you can’t be like those people who just sit down and get stuff done. Decide you’re not cut out for the pressure of academia, or probably any job. Rethink career and life choices.
Step 9: Become partially paralyzed thinking about the amount to be done.
Step 10: Start working because now you really have no choice.
Step 11: Wait go to the bathroom first because it’s hard to focus when you know you have to pee.
Step 12: Feeling a little warm. Change clothes—must be optimal temperature for top writing performance.
Step 13: Now that it’s midnight, write until you start dozing off while typing and random words from your dream make their way into your sentences, which you will hopefully catch later in proofreading before your professor sees them. Go to bed at ungodly hour: tomorrow you’ll be super productive.
Step 14, next day: Repeat.
