I Have 2 Kids From 2 Different White Women…And I Am 100% Opposed To Interracial Relationships.
Let me explain…
I try not to write from a first person perspective but sometimes a subject is intimate and deserves to be written from the personal account of the writer. In this case, interracial dating is something that I have experienced firsthand and can speak to in a unique way. In this piece I will tell bits of my story, where my ideology on interracial relationships came from, and how it has transitioned and transcended in time. Now, lets be very clear; my experiences with interracial relationships are MY experiences. Do not read this as a piece written to condemn others. I will do my best to touch on the many different aspects and ramifications of interracial dating and address some of the issues that stem from it that continues to perpetuate white supremacy and Black complacency. Lets dive in.
IT AIN’T FOR EVERYONE
I want to be very clear in this section, and that’s why it is in the beginning of this piece. Everything written in this piece is not for everyone. The fact will forever remain that some of us Black folks are completely comfortable with the condition of our people as a whole. Whether discussing white supremacy, or promoting the liberation of Black people internationally; as long as they have a job, a car and a place to live, they’re good. This article is not meant to be an attack on the person who may be very happily married to a non-Black person with beautiful biracial children. They are committed to their love and that is very much a good thing. This article is meant to inform those with an ear to listen about the attack on Black love that is just an extension to the attack on Black people as a whole. The level of dissonance that some of us steep to in order to ignore and deny this fact is disheartening and defeating sometimes. If that dissonance is so ingrained in you that this article comes off as offensive, it ok, it is not for you.
Some of us really don’t care about this issue. Notice if this is you…why are you quick to dismiss this? Why are you so apt to immediately mention something more comfortable like Black on Black crime, drug abuse or jobs (all of which are very important, no doubt)?
A PERSONAL ACCOUNT
I myself am not a stranger to interracial relationships. I have been with, at least sexually, just about every race. I don’t say that with a sense of pride or bravado; just making the point that I have never discriminated when it comes to women. This hypersexual behavior is a topic for another article, though. When it comes to dating outside of my race, I never thought anything of it. I also was never instructed to do anything different. It’s an interesting thing how Black folks are mistreated and stereotyped by the world yet we continue to raise our children to love everyone the same. This assumes that we are all indeed the same. This is false and does not inform our generations of the truth. We must love ourselves first and so much more. But I digress. In my sunken place years, I not only had children by two white women, I actually married both of them. Allow me to elaborate…
My first wife was pretty much there for me at a time where I did not love myself. She proposed to me and I said yes. Yes, you heard me right. We already had a son and I was trying to do the right thing by her and the family. In the time with her I evolved from a drug using, drug dealing mess; to a full blown bible pushing Christian (another article for another day). When our marriage ended I was free to date as I pleased, and I did.
Let me be clear. I never talked bad about Black women. I never proclaimed to not want to date Black women. Soon after my marriage, after having flings with a few other women, I met my second wife; another white woman. But I thought I was doing it right this time. We didn’t even have sex until we were married. We had a good ol’ Christian marriage at her white church. We eventually moved to her even more white city. The good life, right? Nah. It was in this marriage, not because of it, but in this marriage that truth started to rupture my colonized mind. I saw what I was becoming and what I had been socialized to become. To be very honest, it could have been a great American marriage story. Mixed family. Beautiful kids from previous relationships and a lovely mixed daughter. Yes, we could have been everything; but my spirit would have been nothing. My Blackness slowly diminishing.
Once my ancestral strength and spirit started to manifest in this marriage, I knew that I could not be the man that I was meant to be while married to a non-Black woman. To be fair, our marriage was not a euphoric one, and much of it was my fault. However, the resistance to my evolution into Blackness was on display more and more as I devolved from the liberal, American Christian man that I was when I remarried.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
An immediate response comes from mixed kids who are the product of an interracial relationship. A common rebuttal is, “Well, I wouldn’t be here if it were not for an interracial relationship.” It is a great point in and of itself, especially if we ignore any nuanced thought. However, we have no choice who our parents are. It is not the fault or idea of the child to be born of any race. This is not saying that we should discount other people’s heritage. Claim your ethnic background regardless of what it is. Be proud of it. Our mixed brothas and sistas are beautiful creation, indeed.
Now let’s discuss some of the challenges of being mixed race. For the sake of the people who will only read what they don’t like, these comments are not universal. We all have our individual experiences. These comments are, however, very true in many instances. Let’s continue.
I cannot overstate (and I’m sure it’s because of the ultra white state of Oregon that I reside in) how many white women I see with Black babies and children; seemingly raising them on their own. It saddens me to no end. For whatever reason, these women are left with beautiful Black babies, raising them in the only culture that they know…white culture. Two things happen in this situation. The kids are either raised by an impoverished white parent with little interest in raising strong Black men and women, or they’re raised by two white parents with zero interests in Black anything.
And what about the confusion and mistreatment of the mixed child? We can pretend to live in a multicultural utopia, but the truth remains that Blackness is still undermined and under attack. Consider the mixed child who is shunned by the white and/or Black family because of the families disagreement with the interracial relationship? Think of the trauma that mixed kids experience in school and in their neighborhoods. They’re too Black for the white crowd and too white for the Black crowd in many instances. There is a level of identity crisis that happens within the soul of some mixed children. This identity crisis stays with them for years, sometimes their whole life. If this isn’t resonating with the reader, please ask a person or two of mixed race. They can tell you better than I can write it.
While the emotional trauma and confusion that some mixed children suffer growing up, there is yet another damaging aspect of interracial mating. This aspect is what I simply call, turning white. Turning white is just that. Follow me; (and while reading this particular paragraph keep in mind that as long as the child is socialized in public schools and brainwashed with national television programs they will indeed be learning white thoughts and ideologies, also known as anti-Black socialization) a child is born mixed; maybe they are left with the white parent and all they know and see is whiteness. Maybe they’re with both parents but the mixed relationship is all they know. Now they grow up and repeat this, having another mixed baby. This baby will then be one generation from, turning white. Not just in skin complexion, but in thought; which is the strongest hold that white supremacy has on Black folks. And when this baby who can pass for being white is socialized to believe that white is the way to be, guess what they will gravitate towards? These are things we just do not think about or want to talk about. In fact, we foolishly will say it’s a good thing to have mixed babies; claiming that we are spreading Blackness. Research whitening in Egypt (previously known as Kemet), Argentina and other parts of Africa to learn how that works out. We can get into a discussion on colorism here, but we have other business.
HISTORICAL CONTEXT
How soon we forget from whence we came. It’s a curious thing how Black folks have taken on the psyche of our oppressor to the extent where we too say silly things like, “That was hundreds of years ago”, or, “I was never a slave.” It is incredible how we pretend slave rape, incest and mutilation did not happen to our great great grandmothers and grandfathers. Again, let me remind you, I once had the same mindset. The fact is, our ancestors were treated like animals when it came to sexuality and like criminals when it came to interracial relationships. Let us not forget that we were murdered at the mere accusation of interracial ANYTHING. Let us not forget about the life of Emmett Till. Let us not forget about the many cases where innocent Black men were convicted of crimes against white women that were falsified and unjust.
There’s also the issue of the whitening of Blackness throughout history in different areas of the world. Which brings me back to Argentina and the massive whitening in the 19th century. The 17th and 18th century had Argentina full of Blackness. By the middle of the nineteenth century, white supremacy had it’s grip on the minds of Argentinians: thus the whitening process had begun. Use the city of Cordoba and the term Pardo for reference. In Egypt, or Kemet, something very similar happened. We can look into Greek philosophers such as Aristotle and their many writings where they described Egyptians as excessively Black. Through war and colonization by Arabs, Assyrians, Persians, and Ottomans; Egypt has been whitewashed to the point where some people don’t even identify Egypt as being a part of Africa. Since this is not a historical piece, I would encourage you to explore the issues of whitening that our people have faced.
PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE
Psychological slavery is far more powerful than physical slavery. Once you make a person believe that they are inferior, or better yet, equal when they are not treated as such; then you don’t have to worry about controlling them physically. The warfare on the minds of Black people happens at the moment of birth. From the dolls they desire to play with to their favorite cartoon. You’d be hard pressed to find positive images of Blackness in children’s media. Think about the music that our children listen to? Most of it degrades women and teaches them that a life of drugs and promiscuity is the best life there is. It teaches our boys that drug using is the norm and our women are just pieces of meat. This is popular culture. Turn on the TV and it gets worse. Critically observe the content of shows such as Love and “insert whatever dumbass city or concept there”.
These shows feed into the stereotype of Blackness. They parade our women as loud, ghetto, and what we call today, “ratchet”. It portrays our men as heartless, unsophisticated, promiscuous, and/or feminine. The flip-side is showing our people in relationships with white folks; especially our sistas. See shows like Scandal or Claws. The interracial couples are usually happier in these shows and commercials. Be mindful as you watch.
Sadly, it gets worse. Look at a snippet of the show To Rome for Love. Here is the description given from IMDb:
“Five women embark on a journey to Italy with Diann Valentine. The women are in different stages of their lives in regards to love and the unique stories they tell, but they are all in the same boat when it boils down to dating as black women in America. The women must face their fears, move on from their emotional baggage and also understand cultural differences as they seek new love in Rome.”
Yes, this show is a based around some lovely sistas leaving the country to go to a white country to find a suitor. Because clearly there are no suitable Black men in the world.
But wait, it gets even worse. Even on the continent of Africa the attacks on our people’s minds are stronger than ever. I encourage you to review the show Oyinbo Wives of Logos. This is a Nigerian “reality” television show about six Nigerian sistas married to white men. Additionally, learn more about the beach in Mombasa, Kenya, where European women go on “sex tourism” escapades, using our men as sex toys and sometimes taking them back home to marry them. This isn’t something that I am making up for a shock factor; this shit is real and it is disgusting.
Furthermore, there is the lack of promotion of Black love. Think about it; better yet, do a self study. Make a troll post and say something against interracial dating and watch how many Black folks come to the defense of either their own interracial relationship or the concept thereof; aka, defend white supremacy. Keep a tally of how many people attack you for your post and how many people actually defend the love between two Black people. And this is the issue. We will defend whiteness (and any other race) being involved with us but make excuses to NOT be involved in all Black groups, organizations, and even relationships.
CONCLUSION
The question to ask here is how does being in an interracial relationship benefit Black people? I’ll wait. Every time I pose this question to a person who wants to make a stand for building outside of one’s own race, I get nothing. I literally ask out of curiosity; and maybe a little condescension, if I am being honest. I wrote this piece with the concept of Black folks building with Black folks in mind. The interracial relationship supporter will ask, “What, I can’t have a white wife/husband and still build with my people?”
Well, sure you can, to an extent. But when pillow talk happens, when business ventures come up, when spiritual practices, schooling and social constructs are discussed; guaranteed whiteness enters the room and accommodations will be made for said whiteness. This is evidenced by the backlash that a person will get in a room (whether virtual or in person) full of Black folks when this topic is breached. So imagine the level of compromise within an actual interracial relationship. And, to be clear and fair, there should be.
Don’t get me wrong, throughout history there has been many great Black people (usually men…) who married outside of their race. Frederick Douglass comes to mind. Still, this should not be encouraged considering the condition of our people and the lack of trust that we have in one another when it comes to relationships.
The issue of Black unity and Black liberation is what the main concern is. Think about it; every people who are thriving as a race practice specific things:
- Employ each other
- Support each other’s business
- Protect each other’s holistic interests
- Put one another first
- Date/marry one another
From the Korean to the African, every race that finds any level of success in America practices group economics, group politics, and group love. Tell this to Black folks and we get defensive and irritated that someone is “in my business” or “worried about who I’m sleeping with”. The collective thought of the African in America is almost non-existent. Putting ourselves first in all things is imperative if we are serious about our people thriving as a whole. But the trauma and self hate that we have been colonized to believe has such a hold on us, that we have the hardest time keeping everything Black. Hell, sleep with who you will. Explore and have fun. But do not get into an actual meaningful relationship with someone who is not your own.
Black Love is Revolutionary. Let’s be revolutionary. This is when the question has to be asked, are we really serious about changing the condition of our people? If so, what are we willing to do to bring that into fruition? Change starts at home. And if home isn’t focused on the well-being of all African descended, heavily melanated peoples, then what are we doing? Let’s think critically about these things. In truth, we need each other. Nakupenda kijiji!
Umoja N Black
