Paradise of a Procrastinator
When I was young, I definitely did not feel even remotely like a leader. It was made very clear to me by my peers that they found me to be inferior as a person, so often I walked with my head down and just tried not to do anything that would draw their attention and teasing. I was strange and anxious and not confident at all. I was ostracized and purposely excluded from social gatherings. I never understood why. At the time, when I was in the most thick of it, I would vividly fantasize about being a part of someone else’s world, someone who I thought highly of and who I would have done anything to have them think highly of me. However, these were virtually all fictional characters. They lived in a world where I and everyone who knew me didn’t exist, and I think that sort of clean slate was very attractive to me. I was completely willing to cut all attachments to my life and live in my fantasy.
It’s shocking to think that someone could look at such a lonely, anxious girl and see someone from whom leadership potential could be drawn out. Maybe that’s not what truly happened. What I will say, however, is that by the time I was old enough to begin participating in my church’s youth group, our youth minister, Mrs. Patty Bailey, came in like a mother hen and took me under her wing, just as she was willing to do for any of the youth of our church. I think that’s what makes her special: while many others only look for the kid who will catch their eye, she cared for each of us and did her best to cultivate our faith for our benefit. It brings to mind a certain song I know about drifting away in the sea, and just when you’ve given up an arm will reach out and save you. In a way, I feel that God was using her as a hand to reach out and help pull me out of the water. She saw in me something I couldn’t even see in myself: I am a person, made in the image of God, designed to love and to be loved in return. And she treated me like it, always remembering me, always greeting me with her permanent yet genuine smile. That was exactly what I need.
I don’t want to say I truly grew into myself at that time, because I don’t even think I have fully grown into myself even yet. What I will say, though, is that I am a person, and I deserve to be treated like one, so having someone treat me like a person, having someone treat me like I mattered, it did a lot for me. I don’t think I necessarily became “leader material,” but I did begin to feel comfortable branching out and using my so long uncultivated interests and talents for someone who appreciated and built upon them. Patty has told me that she sometimes even now pulls out and rereads a speech I once wrote for a confirmation retreat because she thought it was so beautiful, and I do remember how much I enjoyed writing it. I am very thankful to her for giving me the opportunity to do such writings. Because of her, I became very involved in our youth group and I was able to have many wonderful experiences with them, sometimes as a volunteer for community service, sometimes as a retreatant, later on as a student leader, and sometimes just as a person in the youth group who just wanted to have fun with everyone. During that time, I continued growing and learning and becoming more of myself, and I will cherish those memories forever.
When I came to DePaul, this growth continued. I took “Discover Chicago: Vincent de Paul, Vincentians, and Chicago” for my Chicago quarter course, and that was the beginning of my Vincentian leadership Journey. My worldview expanded astronomically, and my professors forced me to see the world from a new perspective which I hadn’t even known of before. My eyes were opened and I began to understand things about the world which both angered and emboldened me. I learned about the complex nature of injustice and what my responsibility to fight it is. I think that this is one of the many things that led me to where I am now: About to graduate with a major degree in Health Sciences and two minors in Community service studies and food studies, and on my way to beginning my master’s in Public Health in the fall so I can serve underserved communities and help provide them with what they need to reclaim their health.
I also joined 3 different Christian organizations on campus my freshman year. Yeah, that’s right, three. Catholic Campus Ministry, CRU, and InterVaristy, and I was in a small group in each of them. My faith life and communities also helped me on my Vincentian leadership journey. I connected with many other people and made lifelong friends in these communities. It is also through these that I became a part of DePaul Christian Ministries and began going to some of the Meet Me at the Mission events. I wanted to fully be a part of my community, and I didn’t just attend these events because I wanted the blue and white chords for graduation (though they are a nice perk), but I attended them because I wanted to be active in my community, and these went hand in hand. It was through these large events and small groups that my leadership was cultivated: I learned how to independently interact with people and forge new relationships. It was new and scary and thrilling and comforting all at once.
At the end of my freshman year, I was asked to lead a small group through CCM, and upon accepting I was given the opportunity to go to ETC at Cedar Lake, IN, where I got to spend a wonderful week with many wonderful people both from our group and from different campuses and parishes across the Midwest. We grew closer to each other and our faiths on that journey. After that, I continued to lead small groups all the way to my last week of senior year. I’ve made very wonderful memories and have gotten to share my life with many wonderful people. I’ve also since become the president of InterVarsity and have led a small group through there, and I hope to continue spreading the faith through my post there.
I think that one of the most important things I have come to understand about myself is that I am not a natural born leader by any means, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m willing to step up and take on responsibility when it comes my way, and although it took a long road for me to get to such a point, I got here. Graduation is tomorrow, and although I’m still anxious like I was when I was young, I now look forward to what is coming next, and I fantasize about what my future might hold as I continue on this journey.
