The Struggle is Real
Prelude, Part 1
Ask any volunteer of the Erasmus Student Network and they will tell you: it’s not easy to be a student and an ESNer at the same time. The struggle is real.
I remember attending the Council of National Representatives in Sofia, 2014 — one of the most intense and tiring meetings I’ve been to, yet one of the most fulfilling. I remember staying out late that last night, finally having the opportunity to relax and enjoy after a draining weekend.
It was 4am and I had to make my way back to the hostel, take a taxi to the airport, fly to Brussels-Charleroi, then travel by bus and train back to Rotterdam just to make it in time for a 12.30 lecture. I remember mustering the remnants of my energy just to pay attention. I remember, painfully, still having to have a project team meeting after that. The struggle is real.
ESNers are an ambitious bunch. So ambitious, in fact, that we often don’t realise the extent of our ambition. But like a slippery slope, the further we go along the deeper we find ourselves attached to the organisation and its people. It’s an addiction, truly.
But I digress. Let’s take a step back..
Rotterdam, Spring 2014
It was a momentous year. I had unexpectedly been elected chair of the Communication Committee in February, and earned re-election in July. I had joined the Organising Committee of Western European Platform Utrecht in a year when we were celebrating the 25th anniversaries of ESN Utrecht and ESN International. Things were going smoothly for me in ESN.
Over at the university though, things weren’t going so well.
I had always been proud of my performance as a student. Active on campus, heavily involved in all kinds of student initiatives, yet maintaining solid presence in multiple social circles while consistently pulling off above-average grades across most courses.
Until.. I wasn’t anymore.
Friends vs ESN
I had been travelling to attend ESN events so much that I started noticing what I’d been missing out in Rotterdam and on campus. It started with the little things — a joke I didn’t understand, outings I missed.
“I was so sure you were there!” they would say.
The longer it went on, the more I noticed it. It was as if I was suffering from amnesia. I felt like Leonard from the movie Memento — unaware of the things that have been going on around me, and unable to fully be part of my world.
“Goddammit, Gaffar. Another ESN meeting?” they would say.
Yes, another ESN meeting. And my friends weren’t the only thing I was sacrificing.
Studies vs ESN
I got called in one day for a talk with one of our most infamous (yet most popular) lecturers, Etienne Augé. He told me off for working on ESN assignments during his lecture on Cinema & Society, and was disappointed at my lack of interest in his course and in my studies.
I remember feeling his disappointment, that I wasn’t taking his course seriously. I remember being disappointed at myself, for not being as good of a student as I would’ve liked to be. But I also remember not feeling any guilt for spending so much time on ESN. I was confused.
Was this a sign, a turning point, a fork in the road where I had to choose between ESN and my studies?
I decided to consult someone I trusted — a good friend, a colleague, a mentor, advisor, and programme coordinator of the International Bachelor of Communication and Media (IBCoM): Emma Hamilton.
Emma was one of the founding board members of ESN Rotterdam, back in 2008. She was also the main point of contact for IBCoM students. As such, we had a lot in common and plenty to talk about. I often dropped by her office in between classes to have a chat, and this I did again on this troubled day.
As I settled down in her office, Emma said, “I heard you’ve been doing ESN work in your classes.”
It hurt to hear that word had been going around.
I explained that as much as I would like to be a ‘good student’ again, I now have responsibilities in ESN that I am not willing to forsake, and that I find those important for my personal development.
It was then that I acknowledged — I can’t be everywhere, do everything, and be good at it all at the same time. With a heavy heart, I accepted that something’s gotta give. I was not going to be able to excel in my studies. I would no longer aim to be among the top students in my year.
The Singaporean context
Being born and raised in Singapore, this was not easy to accept. As a Singaporean, I took my studies very seriously.
Singapore — a country where you are taught and constantly reminded that your papers are the only thing that really matter. That if you don’t study hard, you will be a failure for life. That the only worthy occupations are those of a banker, lawyer, doctor. A place where most other occupations are demonised.
Perhaps this is why I’ve always been ambitious. I’ve often been called an overachiever by some of my classmates. But in a society where scoring 80% in a test is no cause for celebration, I had to keep up. In a society where performance-based segregation of students takes place when you’re as young as eleven, things get really competitive. In this society, failure is not an option.
But I had made my decision. I realised that I was not going to be the best student out there, but I also realised that.. that’s okay. With this single decision, I felt I aged considerably.
It’s okay
Today, several years on, I look back at that decision with not a single bit of regret. After all, there is so much more to being a student than what happens within the confines of a classroom. There is so much more to experience, to learn, so many ways to develop, both personally and professionally.
I may not have gotten the grades I wanted, or could have gotten. I may not have realised my full academic potential, and I may not have given my studies my all. I may not have a Master’s degree (yet!).
I may not have been as much a part of my Rotterdam friends’ lives as I would’ve liked to be. I still may not get some of the jokes that originated from when I was away, travelling for ESN.
But what I do have.. I treasure with all my soul. I’ve had countless breathtaking experiences simply marvelling at the natural wonders of the world. Many indescribable memories of precious time spent with people who have come to mean so much to me.
I’ve learnt about communication, about management, leadership and strategy, by leading the largest network of student organisations in Europe. I’ve been to almost every single European country, learnt about different peoples, cultures, identities, personalities and attitudes.
I’ve worked together with the European Commission, with the European Parliament, with Pernod Ricard, with goddamn Ryanair. I’ve worked alongside some of the brightest, most passionate young minds in Europe — people I will always be grateful to have had around me.
Most of all, I’ve learned so much about myself. And that means a lot more to me than a few peer-reviewed academic articles.
The struggle may be real.. But it made me who I am today.
This story is dedicated to my dear mentor, Emma Hamilton.
Sound familiar? Share your thoughts in comments — I’d love to hear about similar struggles!
Memoirs of an IB member
‘‘Memoirs’’ is a collection of behind-the-scenes stories on what it’s like to lead a large student organisation — to be part of one of Europe’s biggest youth movements. It’s a coming-of-age tale of achievements and struggles, of seeking successes in the 21st century.
Join me on my journey as I attempt to chronicle a whirlwind 2 years as International Board member of the Erasmus Student Network!
