Pub Conversations….

Choooooiiiii……the things we hear while nursing a lone beer after work…… The last time I saw/felt-who cares what’s the appropriate word with what I’m hearing-the hairs on the neck stand upright was when my dog got angry — guess some of you may wish to correct me — it’s fur for the dog and hair for me; mine is sure rising from what I’m hearing. It’s about a Pastor, so permit me to call him Philip all through my narration as using the word Pastor makes me feel hell bound.

Philip as the story goes is about 39 and lives somewhere in the Eastern regions of Nigeria. He has been married for 8 years and has a daughter. As told, for these 8 years of marriage, Philip can count how many times he has had sex with his wife — can you imagine that?! I cannot even count how many times i have made love with my wife in the past 2 months!! Well, Philip sees sex as either a sin or an act that requires a divine sign before he indulges; more of the former I believe! Hmm, in this age of scantily clad women and sex on demand in every space we care to look at!

On the contrary, Philip’s wife we are told is a young lady who prior to getting married had climbed a few mountains and explored the deep recesses of passion and dare say touched the sky…. that brain scrambling feeling of ecstasy; yes, Pastors wife has been there and done that! All through her 8 years of what I’d call pain, she has hoped and prayed that her hubby will come to see sex as a form of communication between two loving souls…all to no avail! She has tried all the possible ways to seduce her husband — from see through lingerie to perfumes to even the traditional seduction method of bending to pick up things in front of your man and having your behind wink at him — Kolework!

Intimacy with Philip seemed to be an issue as his stoic nature just didn’t seem to end with sex. Philip had never let his wife share the bathroom let alone giving each other a bath. His reason; shower time is alone time, you see he sings a lot while in the bath — agreed, men love our bath time; personally, I spend a lot of time in the loo as my brain is more active when I’m taking a dump, so it’s not out of place to find me with my laptop when doing a #2. For Philip, I guess his shower time is where he draws his inspiration from, he’s never happier than when he’s in the shower!

For Pastor’s wife, being married feels like a dead end, as her husband’s way of life has left her feeling worse than she did when she was single. Desperate and confused, she sought counsel from friends; careful not to let a word slip to any of the female folks from the Church as Philip aka “Papa” was held in very high esteem there.

She was advised to be on the look-out for when Phillip was in a boisterous mood and spring a surprise. On D-day, she woke up earlier than usual and made sure she was well prepped up. As she finished lacing herself from her newly acquired bottle of Estee Lauder Pleasure, clad in a new tight towel that accentuated her curves, her plan was simple, walk in on Phillip and go down on him, you only live once she thought to herself, no risk, no reward! She cued “You bring me Joy” by Anita Baker as her ginger and muttered a prayer before venturing to step into the bath, hair let loose and towel dropped, we were told the sight of her would make your blood boil in an instant, hips like J-Lo, and firm breasts to die for…., hoping to sneak up on her hubby and get his attention, she walked quietly to the door, pushing it slightly to avoid being noticed. Hoping to surprise Phillip ended in her getting a rude awakening…stunned to her roots she found her man there singing “There is a melody in my heart today….” I guess we all know that song.

Now let’s rewind to the origin of the melody…. as she opened the door, there Phillip was, in all his glory, one hand holding firmly to the shower rod, his face bore the trappings of an intense psychedelic, whilst he briskly throbbed his member with soap, oblivious to the fact that he had now attracted viewership, humming as he came, he let out the song!

So, there it was, finally out in the open-8 years of bath melodies and protesting that sex was a sin all made sense now! Save to say, Phillip had it coming, I sat back thinking how this poor woman must have felt, the denial, yearning all came to naught!

To answer your question, Philips brother in-law was one of the guys on our table, and this incident occurred a year ago…..

I got to go for now, wifey just called.

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