Avoidance Key to Survival or Destruction?

Ready for a juicy tell all?

Sorry kids — we are far from knowing it.

Let’s rewind to a 7 year old girl blindly, happily and care-free running into a disaster. A situation no adolescent should be in. Correction, not even a human being at any age should be in.

I am still not ready to write about it..

At 7 years old, this was my first love affair with my man, avoidance. I had no idea how to process or express healthy emotions other than happy means running around laughing and sad/angry means screaming and crying. My Dad physically left and my Mom mentally left.

I was scared and alone. I had no siblings in my house to run to nor friends who would understand what was happening. I was 7, I didn’t even know what was happening! All I knew was when I had tantrums as a kid, my Dad was the one who stopped my crying so when he was gone my logic went to; OK no more crying. Avoidance became my best friend… How else would I make the crying stop if Daddy is gone? I decided to lock up the sadness and anger — I swallowed that key and honestly I still can’t find it today. I did the best I could, which I now know was disassociating. I completely disengaged with the world around me. I was that weird girl in 2nd grade who was “too shy” to raise her hand, make friends, or look a person straight in the eyes. Being home was worse. I hid in my room for hours and watched the same Disney movies over and over again on repeat.

You would think that’s okay because who doesn’t love a Disney movie marathon?! Well this girl right here hates them.. When I graduated to cable is when the real damage started. Cable is how I learned to portray my emotions. I was watching TV and movies like; Titantic, Bring It On, Thirteen and Degrassi. Seriously.. the depressive/manic tearful episodes I got during break ups were like your ugly crying face when Rose wouldn’t move her fat ass to save Jack. I was a manipulative bitch to my friends like Big Red to get what I wanted, I thought doing drugs and hooking up with as many boys as I could made me cooler than Evie and I self-harmed and withheld food like Darcy and Emma. I know we’ve all been there in some shape or form but I played out these motions in extremes. Go hard or go home right? This was a pivotal moment in my development where I missed the lessons in regulating my emotions at a young age because I had no guidance or parent to see my cries for help.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), “Children are influenced by media–they learn by observing, imitating, and making behaviors their own” (2001, p.1224). The influence of media on children has been the subject of increased attention among parents, educators, and health care professionals.

As a teenager, I learned other coping skills when I couldn’t avoid anymore. This is the beginning of my long term relationship with unhealthy distractions. It wasn’t the best way to deal but faking it until you make it was my life motto. The drug use, promiscuity and self-harm was most prominent in my teenage years. Fucking high school man… I think I hate high school Nikki the most. The biggest harm I caused myself was restricting food.

Junior year, I lost 23 pounds in less than a month. My hair started to fall out, I became extremely agitated— I was such an evil person; I refused to bring my own boyfriend at the time to prom even though it would have been his first and only prom he’d be able to go to (he was high school dropout — I clearly have the best taste in men) For prom, I had to start tanning to hide the bruises and death colored skin. Thank goodness for tanning packages during prom season!

Entering college I learned subtle ways that were “acceptable” but still unhealthy ways to cope with my either lack of emotions or over-emotions. I continued this into my career, mimicking thoughts and actions of other successful individuals around me. This explains hyper focusing on my career because I was searching for a purpose. A purpose to keep surviving, a purpose to live. My job became my life and with one small mistake — it felt like my world was crumbling down.. I was so exhausted of the ups and downs that were out of my control. Imagine.. your emotions today heightened to a 7 year old tantrum or a 7 year old in a candy shop? Hell no.. get me out of here PERIODT.

It’s funny — I’ve been writing in past tense but the reality is.. this is all I’ve known for 25 years. I am spending the 26th year of my life rewiring my amygdala and hippocampus — yeah I just threw out big words for no reason whatsoever. There are days I am that kick ass hardworking boss bitch then there are days I am that road kill you avoid on I-93 South. Don’t you just hate those dead skunks?

The answer to the title is.. *drum role please* I have no fucking clue. There are days that avoidance is like water — I need it to live, to survive. Then, there are days it’s like Donald Trump — I could absolutely live without a misogynist as my president. I know.. I know stay away from politics..

Anyways, I am learning that balance is key — and it’s not easy. Staying balanced during this life long journey is hard.. There’s really not a finish line or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There will be very bad days but very good days and it can get ugly.. I hit rock bottom more times than I’d like to admit but that’s for next week’s juicy story.

Resources: AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS. 2001. “Media Violence.” Pediatrics 108:1222–1226.