Here is Your Secret Weapon Against Narcissistic Abuse

Wield with Caution and Strength

So, you are stuck in a relationship of verbal abuse, gaslighting, and stone walling.

You cannot seem to find a way to battle the ways of the narcissist, and through your bond, your commitment, and your confused heart, you know that you love them, and in their own twisted way, you feel they love you back. It is exhausting, frustrating, and emotionally toxic for you.

Or, perhaps, you have left the narc behind, but share children with him/her. You still need to make contact and arrangements for shared parenting, but every single time you speak to the narcissist they still hold dominance over your head. They STILL make you feel less than. They still have ways of manipulating you to the point of questioning your value.

You Need to Make it Stop.

Photo by USGS on Unsplash

Be a Grey Rock

The Grey Rock Method is becoming more prominent in the therapy world. Whether you have heard about it or not, there are websites and resources available if you want to delve further into practicing this weaponry.

Trust me when I say, it works like magic. It is not always an instantaneous technique, but it will most definitely change the mentality you have when you are being conflicted by feelings that a narcissist imposes on you.

You will throw the narcissist of their game.

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

How Narcissists Play

When we think of the narcissist and what they need from you as a victim, there is typically a theme.

What they want is your undivided attention, your agreement to their opinions, and your validation. If they are unable to get all of these from you, they resort to acts like gaslighting, stonewalling and tearing apart your soul until you break, or at the very least, feel less value in yourself. In turn, you spiral into a tunnel of questions of your own self worth and your own truth.

I will give you a clear example of my own experience with a narcissist, and had I known the grey rock method, the situation would have looked very different.

The Experience:

Before I relate this story, I will admit that this is one memory of many, that continually reminds me of how I determined that I was caught up in a toxic narcissistic relationship. During moments like these, however, I hadn’t admitted to myself that he was being abusive, nor did I admit to myself that he was a narcissistic monster. During these moments, I blamed myself, and questioned my judgement, my life, and my love for him.

My ex had this habit, since the day we met, of keeping his ex wife in his back pocket as a type of power source. He compared her to me during many inappropriate times, such as during sex, as I cooked, or cleaned, and during multiple other situations. I knew everything about her, including all of her breakups on dating apps, her new marriage, her pregnancies, and even how much money she made.

He told her, through texts, emails and phone calls, very personal matters about me, that my own mother and daughter didn’t know. He even went so far as to lie to me, telling me that she wanted to get together for a “wild weekend” with him, while he was in her province on a business trip. (She told me later that he had made that story up, and she was at home with her husband when he was in town.)

In the beginning of his and my relationship, he slept with his ex wife, and lied to me about it (at first). However, when he felt he could use it to his advantage, he “came clean” and told me of the event, in detail, and explained that this was the type of passion he missed with me. It should have been a red flag, but instead, he convinced me, somehow, to make it a challenge.

He was a talented manipulator and he blinded my intuition.

Over our 9 year stint, his ex remained a blood boiling topic in our home. He refused to cut her out of his life, and continually slapped me in the face with her memory. During our final months together, he bragged about how he was playing the lottery with her because she was in a different province, which doubled his chances of winning. I suggested that I do the same with one of my ex’s who happened to be in a different province, and he lost his mind. This is what a narcissist does. The conversations we had, which ultimately turned into me screaming and yelling out of frustration, typically went something like this:

Me: “Why do you need to keep her in our life? Don’t you understand how toxic it is for me to always be in her shadow?”

Him: “You need to put your shit in the past. We are just friends and you need to accept that.”

Me: “I would accept it if you didn’t use her as a comparative standard and a weapon! She doesn’t need to know personal things about me.”

Him: “ Look, I needed advice, and she is my friend. She is my soul mate and you need to remember that. Maybe if you would be more like her, I wouldn’t have to keep her around.”

Me: “She has a new life, in a new province, with a new husband and a child! Why does she need photos of our home? Why does she always need to be in every house we share together? You won’t even get rid of her dishes, her furniture, or her crap in this house?!?” (Blood boiling now)

Him: “She is in the past, but you are too stupid and stubborn to see that. You are who I am with now. Why am I always the bad guy and you are always bitching at me? If we win the lottery it’s partly yours, so I don’t see the problem!”

I can feel my heart race, my face flush, and rage billowing inside of me at this point. And, I lose it…

Me: “I can’t deal with her anymore! You and her need to be together if she is so much more important to you than I am! If I was talking to my exes all the time, you would know what it feels like. I am done! You keep telling me to put her in the past, yet she is in my fucking face every single day! Okay I am going to play the lottery with my ex in British Columbia then!” (My voice is loud and I am looking around for something to throw, I am so angry)

Him: “Why the hell do you have to bring that guy into this! You know how much it hurts me when you talk about him! My ex is married! Obviously we can’t be together, and you need to calm your shit and just put her in our past! I don’t know why you are so jealous of her and why you go so insane and crazy! This is why you and I will never get married, because you are psycho!” He rolls his eyes and reaches out to touch my arm, and I abruptly pull away.

He soothes me with love bombs and asks me what’s for dinner, before looking at vacation websites to try and win me back.

End scene…

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

These arguments came up regularly during our life together. At least once every few months, he would blurt out something his ex said or did, or he would hide texts between the two of them that he would “accidentally” leave open on his phone to see if I would find them. If I did, he would accuse me of being crazy and snoopy, and ask me why I didn’t trust him.

The ex of mine I brought up, has never been part of our life, nor have I ever brought him up in conversation, other than this particular incident. He is also happily married, and I NEVER text, call, email or share my life with him-yet he became enraged. I was trying to make him see the shoe on the other foot, but in true narcissist fashion, the point was missed, and I was to blame for “hurting him”. This made my head spin, because I dislike hurting anyone, and it made me question my own sanity.

He cheated on me three times during our years together, and after I found out, he turned it around on me, accusing me of not trusting him, and reminding me that I am “too psycho for him”.

Sound familiar?

Photo by Charl Folscher on Unsplash

The Grey Rock Method Would Have Looked Very Different

Had I known about the grey rock method, it would have been so much easier to deal with this narcissist. What he wanted from me, and craved from our relationship was not the passion that he complained of lacking. He wanted my compliancy and my agreement to put up with his antics, even if he was disloyal. He wanted me to share his visions of grandeur of himself, and to use me to make him look like the God he saw he in the mirror.

What narcissists want, is to feed off of our bright light, and our energy. In order to feel superior, they must make their victims feel inferior. They need to snuff out our happiness and make it their own. Narcs are leeches to our emotions, and if they cannot feast on our inner passion and our constant energy that we use to fight for our self worth, we are no good to them.

They are attracted to colorful, shiny happy people, with kind hearts and pretty souls, because that is the type of facets they need to make themselves look like diamonds. Most often, the narcissists’ mates or partners are the pretty rocks. We are the light and color that make THEM look good in front of others, and the source of existence that they need to empower themselves, behind closed doors.

Being a Grey Rock, means no longer shining that light for them. It means that we are not allowing our passionate colors to show around them.

As a Grey Rock, we become boring, yet tough. We show no emotion and no reaction to the challenges that they inflict upon us. When they try and engage us in a conflict, we show zero reaction on our face, in our body language or our words. We simply allow what they say or do to roll off of our boring, colorless shoulders. As you turn yourself into an emotionless , quiet, lifeless rock, you will see the magic unfold. Trust me.

Grey Rocking takes practice. It is a good idea to try it in the privacy of a mirrored area to make sure you don’t show transparency of your emotions on your face. I compare it to a child who “goes limp” when his parent is struggling to try and get a snowsuit or pajamas on them. It is frustrating for us, yet on the child’s part, it is brilliant. No response, no reaction, just limp.

Had I shown no response or emotions to the Ex factor in my past relationship, I would have been able to keep the self esteem that I worked so hard to build between fights with him. Instead, I allowed him to not only take over my emotions, but I allowed him to make me question my own sanity, even when I knew it wasn’t MY fault.

Photo by I.am_nah on Unsplash

Why Grey Rocking Works

When we stop exhibiting our emotional energy, whether it is anger, sadness, happiness, fear, or stress, the narcissist doesn’t know what to do with us.

In order for the narc to succeed in any relationship, they feed off of others selfishly. They exist off of the challenges and struggles of others. It is what gives them the edge of superiority. They NEED to be a hero, a mentor, a voice of reason, even if they are unreasonable. They want us to look to them for answers to all of our problems, so that we owe them. When they help us, they will ask for pay back-believe me.

My ex narc used to find amusement when I needed his help for tasks, and he would continually remind me that I was unable to do anything, even washing floors, without his guidance. Naively, I began to believe in what he said because I allowed him inside the colorful shine of my self worth.

If I would have known that turning myself into a boring, colorless, cold stone, and not allowing him to take away my color, would make him stop dead in his tracks, this would have been my coping mechanism, always.

This method works for a few reasons. Firstly, it confuses the narcissist. This is key. It makes them panic briefly, because they see that they cannot feed off of your energy supply. It is much like a bear who needs fish to survive. If the river bed is dry, and there are no fish, the bear has to move on, and either look elsewhere, or find a new supply of different food. That is what grey rocking does to the narc.

Secondly, by taking back our power and control, we win when we grey rock. Even though a healthy relationship is never about wining or losing, as it is not a competition, grey rocking helps us to find our inner strength, and to fight back in a way that isn’t dangerous to our mental health. Using this method forces us to find our self value, and our self esteem again, and to use it as a coping mechanism. If it helps, as you turn yourself into a rock, recite a mantra silently in your head like, “You can’t hurt me” or “I am a rock”, over and over to drown out the narcissists words. This will help you feel more powerful than they are. Just remember-no emotion.

Photo by Krystal Ng on Unsplash

Don’t Stay Grey

As with every coping mechanism, the grey rock method has a risk. I have heard women tell me that it has made their narcissist increasingly angry, and even violent. Honestly, if you becoming emotionless and dull causes a violent response, you need to get the hell out of that relationship immediately! Find help, and leave the abuser behind.

Grey rocking is not a permanent solution for any healthy relationship. What it does, is helps you to regain your control and your power. You are not doing this for them, you are doing it for yourself.

If this method helps the narcissist see the toxic abuse that they are inflicting, and in turn causes them to get help, or change, then that is a win win. However, chances are, this method will help you see the relationship more clearly, and will show you that you deserve to be treated better.

Don’t live your life in any relationship as a grey rock. It is a means to an end, not a constant solution.

By becoming powerful to your inner self, and adapting the grey rock method to help you get through narcissistic, or even other forms of abuse, you are teaching yourself to be strong, without fighting back. Narcs LOVE conflict. They enjoy the thrill of an emotional battle because they believe that they are invincible, especially through the eyes of those they victimize. Grey rocking will throw them off their game long enough for you to make a plan. It will remind them that you have a mind and power of your own, throwing them in a tailspin of fear of starvation.

If you have to stay in contact because of children you share, or other reasons, maintain your grey rock stature to protect yourself and your kids. Allowing the narc inside your head to manipulate you is dangerous to you and in turn, to your children. If you feel that your narc is manipulating your children, teach them to become their own grey rocks, to help them stay in control of their own emotions.

Just don’t stay grey. You will get your colors and your light back once you realize how strong and in control you truly are. The beauty within you is your power and your gift.

For further information and understanding of the Grey Rock Method, here is another link:

https://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Writer of relationships / early childhood and mental health . Poetry and fiction dabbler

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