I Died This Morning.
Then a few minutes later, too.
A man who worries will die a thousand times. While a man who accepts death will die only once.
I imagine my own death, my own demise, and future ailments daily. I can’t control it. Perhaps I’ve seen too many movies and apply those horrific scenes to my own. Maybe I’ve read too many news stories and foolishly believe that extremely rare events will happen to me. Maybe I’m a fool, most definitely, but knowing this doesn’t make the thoughts stop.
I’ve had dozens of diseases, I’ve felt intense spikes of adrenaline as I imagine defending my home from an invader, I’ve dealt with being told of terrifying news over and over.
But as of today, they are all manufactured. All pretend. I’ve lived through so much trauma and fear and despair and it’s all imagined. Sure my mind excels at finding those concepts without answers. It seeks and finds that 1% chance. Then wonders why not me? If it’s possible, couldn’t it be me?
And then the decisions began. If I know this risk, shouldn’t I take steps to avoid the danger? I know car crashes happen suddenly, so I wear my seat belt. If I know there’s a minuscule chance of having a dire illness, shouldn’t I go get checked?
But maybe they missed something, maybe that doctor had an off day, maybe, maybe, MAYBE!
It’s such a horrendous waste of time. I wake in the night and know the danger is real. My rational mind decides to take a walk and I’m left with emotion and reactions.
I’ve dealt with this for so long, I know the only solutions. Time, trying to avoid reacting, and positive thinking.
But some part me must enjoy this. It must find pleasure in seeking out these possibilities. Why else would it do this?
Is there some part of my mind that’s against me? Does it get riled up and form plans simply to cause me struggle?
Of course, there is no duplicity. But of course, we have versions of ourselves. The positive guy. The fearful guy. The funny guy. But we’re all the same. Except we, with these issues, must lack the ability to define a leader.
It’s difficult to assign an “I” amongst the man and say — you lead us. The rest of us will defer your you. This is probably why those with anxiety drink more, do drugs more, and generally seek escape. They/we believe we are running from a fear. But really, we’re running from a decision.
If I decide that my concerns are invalid. If I say, I will believe my doctor — there is no illness. Then that means, it’s only me who’s responsible. If I’m wrong, it’s a choice I must endure.
Because we are obsessive truth tellers. We seek what must be true, we need to know the definitive future. Evolutionarily this was likely awesome. We were the ones who planned for the animal attacks. We shared our concerns for running out of food, or for the impending winter season. We prepared. Our thoughts could be useful. We had outlets.
Now, society is modernized. We have good lives. Health and joy abound. But we can’t stop searching. The need to find the risk will never end. If we let it end, then the dangers will show themselves suddenly and without warning. We won’t be prepared. Won’t they?
Fuck.
I now lead my life to avoid regret. I stopped drinking, not because I was concerned with drinking, but because it led me to worry about what it could cause, or mean, or lead to. I’ve started to write, not to make money, but because I feel driven to leave a piece of myself behind in some way. Other than writing, is there another way? Even rich people who fund buildings, leave only their name. What good is a name without the ideas behind it?
It’s important for my thoughts to be known. They hold value to me, probably too much, because I’ve spent so many hours cultivating them. Considering the risks and deciding on the theories.
Are my thoughts even valuable? Or are they filled with risk metrics that solve nothing.
One day I will find a way to release this burden. One day I’ll say — let’s see what happens. One day.
Until then, I’ll write. Until then, I’ll share my ridiculous thoughts based on the smallest chance that they might help. Because if we give up trying to help, I literally don’t know what happens.
I don’t have answers, but I try harder than anyone to find the solution.
