Depression and I
(A Mental Health Practitioners Perspective)
Therapists with depression are a topic that is rarely discussed due to fear of prejudice due to the profession. Is it so hard to believe that the person listening to your deepest fears and problems might be or may have suffered from the same issues that you have? Or would you rather not know the truth? Yes, everyone in this world is prone to suffering from symptoms of depression, doesn’t matter how many years of experience you might have, or what line of work you’re in. It’ll creep up, affect your day to day functioning, and will make you experience feelings of guilt and self loathing.
Depression is the most uncomfortable thing that I’ve ever had to deal with in my life.
In the past, I’d lock myself in the room; listen to that voice in my head that would tell me all the terrible things about me as a person, and all my self esteem would just go out the window. I’d sometimes postpone hanging out with friends and family, just because I’d feel like I didn’t fit in. I didn’t like switching on the light at night in my bedroom, just because I wanted to sit in the dark.
As I grew older, my profession would be an escape for me to not get into my own feelings. It was easier for me to listen to someone else’s problems than my own. I won’t lie, there were times I would overwork myself, but it left me feeling drained, fatigued and moody. In the end, I felt as if I started hating my job, and dreaded waking up in the morning to go to work. When I’d go home, all I wanted to do was stay quiet, watch TV (without much attention), eat a high calorie meal (mostly sugar) and go to sleep. I’d also have a hard time falling asleep without the sound of the television playing in the background. Worst of all, I gained a significant amount of weight in a matter of months.
I finally got the chance to admit to myself how I was truly feeling when I was debriefing a colleague. I didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed about my denial, or whether to judge myself for being a therapist with depression.
I remember constantly telling myself that I’d be okay, but always felt awful, or that I knew the psychological steps to get better, but just didn’t know how to get there.
Looking even further back, the signs were always there. Why didn’t I see them? Or was I too scared to admit it? Maybe I didn’t want to look weak, and always believed I could control/mask it? One thing I know now for sure is that my depression was cloaked in my own self-stigmatization that landed me in a constant state of disgrace, blame and isolation.
I decided that change had to start with me.
I made it my priority to go for my own private sessions as a way to cope and ‘de-stress’. I also cut down on my working hours, spent more time hanging out with my friends and family, went out more with my dog as a way to meditate and exercise, and I am now able to LIVE more, instead of existing.
Through this journey, I came to a realization that I am now more aware of the true meaning of empathy because’ I can enter my client’s world’ and fully understand what they’re experiencing.
I know what depression truly feels like, what it does, and how it changes you. I also understand how damaging self-stigmatization can be to your life as an individual, professional, and partner.
All this has made my goal in life more geared toward mental health awareness sensitization so as to break these damaging trends in the world, and in my profession.
Writing this has been hard, but I know that I’m not the only one who’s been through my experiences as a therapist. I’m hoping that whoever reads this and is going through similar experiences will accept their symptoms, speak up, and look for help and support from their loved ones and community.
If you’ve been trying and nothing seems to be working out, take a deep breath, pick yourself up, and start all over again. Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say and do.
If this article has touched you in a certain way please feel free to leave a comment below, applaud and share so that through this experience it may be a platform for another to get better.
You are not alone.
Love,
