Kindness-By-Post: Reflections on Waiting
Introduction
Waiting to see if you will get a card or letter for #KindnessByPost can be tricky. It might be that you’ve got other worries in your life and don’t give it much thought. You might not be expecting to receive anything yourself, and so put it completely to the back of your mind. Maybe taking part was all about the giving for you, and you were never bothered about receiving something yourself.
But sometimes we surprise ourselves. When the day when we’re expecting to receive something approaches, we might find that we’re on tenterhooks, waiting to see if something drops through our door. We might have a sense of anticipation when we see the postie doing their rounds. When we go on social media and see others sharing pictures of their #KindnessByPost cards and letters we might think to ourselves: “Where’s mine? Is it coming? Am I going to be left out?”.
It’s interesting how — even if we signed up feeling relaxed about whether we’d receive something or not — when the time comes, many of us find ourselves waiting to see what will happen. Often cards are posted late or delayed in the post (Royal Mail is working pretty hard right now!). It can be difficult not knowing if something is going to come or not.
This resource offers a few reflections on waiting, and considers what insights we might take away from this universal experience. It complements our paper which reflects on the experience of disappointment (see here).
Are we going to be abandoned?
Waiting for something — anything — can bring up a fear that we are going to be abandoned. We are waiting for something to happen; someone to do something; a change to happen — and we aren’t able to make it happen ourselves.
We have our first experience of waiting when we are babies. We cry or make another signal that we need attention, and then we wait for a response. If our mother, father or caregiver responds promptly to our bid for attention, then we feel more secure. If we have to wait for a long time before someone responds to us, then as babies we become fearful that nobody will ever come. If a defenceless baby was really all alone, this could be life or death — and perhaps it feels like it. The longer we wait, the louder we cry. We feel stressed and upset. As we wait, we fear that we are going to be abandoned.
As adults, we rarely find ourselves in a situation where waiting for something is life or death. Waiting to receive some #KindnessByPost certainly isn’t in that category — no matter how lovely the cards or letters might be!
But sometimes the experience of waiting can remind us of times, perhaps from very early in our childhood, when we were vulnerable and powerless. That might be one reason that waiting can feel uncomfortable or bring up anxiety.
What does waiting have to do with attachment style?
The psychoanalyst John Bowlby developed an influential theory about the ways that people relate to each other. He suggested that the relationships that babies have with their caregivers create patterns that are echoed when we grow into adults. The way we form bonds with others is known as ‘attachment’.
Some of us are able to develop secure attachments to our early caregivers, and find it easier to build secure relationships when we are adults. Others have more difficult relationships in our early years, and find it more challenging to form healthy, balanced relationships as we get older — especially in our romantic lives.
Psychologist Mary Ainsworth studied the patterns in how small children typically respond to these difficulties and suggested a series of loose models known as “attachment styles”. Reflecting on our attachment style can help us recognise our habits as adults, so that we can make changes in how we want to build our relationships going forward (more info here).
Waiting can be a particularly challenging experience for those of us who might be considered to have a more “anxious attachment style”. This style of attachment is associated with having a greater need for intimacy and emotional closeness; for reassurance, that conflict doesn’t mean the termination of a relationship, and more frequent comfort and nurturing. A cruel way of characterising this attachment style is that people are “needy” or “clingy”.
Recognising ourselves as having an anxious attachment style (or any other one!) is nothing to be ashamed of. Many people have found that identifying their primary style of attachment has given them greater power to improve their relationships (see here).
If you identify as having an anxious attachment style, you might find waiting for #KindnessByPost a little harder.
Kindness-by-Post as Exposure Therapy
Being anxious about relationships is very common — but it’s not something we have to live with all our lives. Just as phobias such as arachnophobia (fear of spiders), claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) or agoraphobia (fear of being trapped) can be treated in various ways; so can the anxieties we feel about relationships.
A tried and tested method for dealing with anxieties and phobias is “exposure therapy”. This involves carefully exposing a person to a small amount of what they are afraid of, so that they learn to deal with it a little bit at a time. Through this approach the person chooses to be deliberately uncomfortable (for example, by standing in the same room as a spider for five seconds), and is supported to tolerate their discomfort. By surviving the thing they are afraid of, the person proves to themselves that — actually — the situation isn’t life and death. They come to know that, even if their feelings are uncomfortable, the feelings will pass and they will come out the other side. Steadily, the person is exposed to more and more of the thing they are afraid of (for example, standing next to the spider; putting a hand next to the spider; eventually holding the spider). This continues until the person is no longer disabled by their anxiety.
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One of the good things about Kindness-by-Post is that it isn’t life or death. It might be hard to wait and see whether you will receive a card or letter through the post yourself, but you will survive it. In fact, you may well forget about it pretty quickly.
If you often get anxious in your relationships — that is, you often find yourself waiting for reassurance from a loved one — then you might consider your participation in #KindnessByPost as a kind of exposure therapy. It’s a way to practice ‘waiting for kindness from someone’ in a small way, just as someone who is arachnophobic might stand in a room with a spider for five seconds as a first step to getting used to it.
It’s not possible that there’s anything personal in whether you receive a card or letter yourself or not. Our computer system matches everyone to each other randomly. In principle, any of the cards or letters might have been sent to you. Whether you receive one or you don’t; receive it on time or late — there is no sense in which this could be any reflection or personal judgement of you.
Usually in our lives, a person knows something about us personally when they are showing us kindness — their actions feel like more of a judgement on us and so the waiting is harder for us to deal with. Compared to other challenges in our lives, waiting for #KindnessByPost is the small step — like standing in the room as the spider for five seconds.
As you survive waiting for someone you don’t know to send you some #KindnessByPost, you might find it easier to tolerate the discomfort of waiting for someone to show you kindness in other contexts. You might use this experience to give you fortitude; to know that you can get through the challenge of waiting and cope with the uncomfortable feelings it can bring. As you practice waiting for kindness from others, taking small steps and then bigger ones, you might find yourself becoming better at tolerating the discomfort of waiting in relationships where things feel more personal and the stakes are higher.
The courage to be vulnerable
Waiting is about making ourselves vulnerable. It involves a degree of uncertainty, and when we are waiting for someone else to do something. It means we aren’t in full control ourselves.
We are often taught that our strength as a person is about how independent we are: how much we can stand on our own. But researchers on connection and empathy, such as Brené Brown, argue that strength is about our courage to be vulnerable — rather than to go it alone. As a social species, human beings are hard-wired to thrive through making connections with others. This is how, for millennia, we have survived. She argues that:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful…lives, vulnerability is the path.”
As we wait to see if we will receive #KindnessByPost, we join a community of people who are — in a small way — having the courage to make themselves vulnerable to disappointment. It’s what transforms this exchange from a transactional initiative (where people give in order that they receive), to a relational one (where the process of giving and receiving creates a sense of connection with others).
The fact that every participant in #KindnessByPost shares the experience of waiting is what makes #KindnessByPost a movement for connection and hope. It’s not always easy but it really can be meaningful.
Thank you for waiting! Welcome to the club!
