I’m Changing Psychiatrists…Again
How I came to this decision, and why
I’ve been on the psychiatric medicine train since 2015. I was a freshmen in college and I was having panic attacks nearly every day. I was experiencing separation anxiety and disordered eating, and it got to a point where I absolutely had to tell my parents or else I would likely hurt myself.
First encounters
Seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist for the first time can be really scary, so I started by going to my regular doctor. I told her how I had lost nearly fifteen pounds, how I was crying all the time, and how I was coming home from my dorm every weekend (and often times during the week, too). I was generally not okay.
She prescribed me Xanax for panic attacks. Again, she was my general practitioner and a family medicine doctor, not a mental health professional. She told me to take half of the smallest dose she wrote and hide my pill bottle from my roommate. I didn’t realize at the time that Xanax was also used recreationally, so I was very confused by her instructions.
I did what any other eighteen year old kid would do: I Googled what Xanax was. I found an overwhelming slew of information about side effects, dangers, dosage warnings, and interactions. I was scared straight and I didn’t take the medicine nearly as often as I should have. In fact, I refused to take it unless someone reminded me that it was okay to take and that I wasn’t going to hurt myself or anyone by doing so.
Four doctors later
After about eight months of using the Xanax as needed and regularly seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, I decided I would benefit from seeing a psychiatric doctor to help manage my mood with medicine.
Over the last six years, I have been to two different therapists and seen five separate doctors or nurse practitioners (NPs) for medicine management. I’m seeing a sixth one this month.
The first psychiatrist I saw was fine. Since he was the first, we had to do a lot of tests and trial-and-error. I tried Prozac, Paxil, Abilify, Zoloft, and too many more to count. After about two years, I changed insurance providers and the office didn’t accept it. Thankfully I was able to find another psychiatrist in town pretty quickly. I saw her for about ten months.
She was a nightmare, to say the least. She diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder II (the reasoning she gave? My mom had Bipolar II) and was treating me with mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics instead of anti-depressants.
I ended up in the hospital because my hormones and chemical levels were so out of whack, and I was going to end up hurting myself if I didn’t get clinical help. I spent eight days inpatient and six weeks in a partial hospitalization program. The doctors I saw there were very patient and helped me get everything leveled out.
I stopped seeing that doctor pretty quickly after that. I ended up going back to the original psychiatrist (he started accepting our insurance again) but that only lasted a few months before he stopped taking me seriously. He spent one session telling me that I was so depressed probably because I was fat, and proceeded to take out a tape measure. It was humiliating.
I didn’t make another appointment and started seeing my current medical manager, who works out of my therapists office.
Most recent
My current medicine provider (an NP) was convenient when I first started seeing her, and was able to keep me steady for the last year or so. I could schedule my psychiatry appointments and therapy back-to-back, which helped save me time and gas.
However, due to the pandemic and visits being virtual, she hasn’t been available to me. She works only one day a week because she has kids, and is unreachable the rest of the days.
When a patient is having an emergency, having bad side effects, or needs a sooner appointment, the last thing that they want to hear is that the next available appointment is more than a week away.
When my NP switched me to a different kind of medicine than I was used to, I began having horrendous physical side effects. The quality of my life was deteriorating far faster than my mind. I called the office to see if I could speak with my NP sooner, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t in her availability.
Which brings us up to today. Today I made a call to schedule a new patient appointment in a different office with an entirely new psychiatrist.
Why I’m changing again
The number one reason I’ve decided to see someone new is because I kept leaving my appointments with my NP feeling unheard, confused, and generally unhappy about how it would go.
It was a culmination of a lot of reasons, but the straw that broke the camel’s back was my latest appointment. I’ve been seeing this NP for well over a year and have kept her up to date with major life changes. She knows my medical history and why I’ve changed doctors in the past.
She decided to prescribe me an antipsychotic. Something that I have had a history of responding poorly to. When I expressed this concern, I felt shut down and ignored. I was starting to feel like a guinea pig: It was like she was saying “let’s give this one a shot and see if it sticks.”
While I have seen multiple psychiatric professionals and have been diagnosed with a lot of different disorders, the most important thing is that I feel comfortable. It’s taken me quite a long time to learn how to advocate for myself and speak up when I feel something isn’t right, especially in regards to my mental health and safety.
No matter how long the road or how intense the path, I know myself the best, and I have to speak up when something isn’t a good fit. My safety is my first priority.
