The World Reopened and I Am Not Okay
I was fine in quarantine…
I was diagnosed with ADHD in early 2020, just before Covid-19 spread to the United States. I was working two jobs; one as an optometric technician at an eye doctor’s office, and one as a teacher which I still have today. I was a little over a year past graduation from university and I was still trying to find my niche.
I have always had an inkling that I had some kind of neurological abnormality: As a kid I was very quiet, I read a lot, I spent any time outside of school in my bedroom where it was quiet. I was awful at comprehension, but had an extremely high reading level. In third grade I tested at a twelfth grade reading level, yet I did horribly on standardized tests and comprehension assignments.
It wasn’t until I started working as a tech that I realized this seemingly minor neurological issue was affecting my day-to-day life. I was making countless careless mistakes (which if you have ever worked in healthcare before, you know is a recipe for disaster), I was having a lot of trouble focusing and understanding tasks, yet I was deemed a great employee. I would like to think I was well liked by my coworkers despite my professional flaws.
The Big Change
March 24th was my last day as a tech. We all heard the news that there were now cases of the novel coronavirus in the US and there were rumors flying around our office that we would soon be closing indefinitely. We were all scrambling trying to keep up with new cleaning policies; I had a bad allergic reaction to all of the sterilization products we used and my skin was raw from using alcohol wipes three times more than normal.
Thankfully I was able to continue teaching my drivers education classes from home and have been doing that ever since. At first, working from home seemed daunting (to say the least). In April 202 I was still living in my parents house, which meant that not only was I working from home, but so were both of my parents, my sister, and my youngest sister was also doing asynchronous school during the day. Needless to say it was chaotic for a bit.
In September my husband and I moved into our own place and things calmed down a bit. It was a rough summer but we got through it together and had a solid routine down pat each week. I was working from home swimmingly while he ended up going back to work in person.
A lot of people experienced an increase in mental health issues over the last year and a half, but those of us with previously existing conditions saw an influx of symptoms that we already dealt with.
This literal life changing global event was not only a shock to my system, but a shock to the economy, the housing market, and countless other systems. Having this massive disruption in routine was not only challenging for neurodivergent people, but for everyone.
What happened?
Over the course of 2020 I was being treated for my ADHD, anxiety, and depression just like before. I was running into some problems though.
I was having a hard time differentiating between what was a normal and expected reaction from the life-altering pandemic, and what was wrong dosages of my medications. My psychiatrist and I played around with different meds, different doses, increasing and decreasing as safely as we could.
I tried to explain what was happening in my head but I couldn’t find the correct combination of words to get my point across.
It was almost like I was regressing back to childhood: I only wanted to be left alone and keep everything very quiet. I would regularly go into the bedroom in my little apartment and tell my husband that I needed to be by myself. I was seeing increases in my anxieties and finding new ones. I was having intrusive thoughts while trying to fall asleep. Oh, and I eventually stopped sleeping altogether.
I have always been a homebody. My house is my safe place where I can be who I want to be and where what I want to wear and feel comfortable. That idea was only exacerbated by the pandemic.
Now not only was my house a safe place for my mental health, it was also the only safe place for my physical health. I have a lot of trouble leaving the house without panicking or getting physically sick. Just the other day my husband and I were walking around Target (my favorite place in the entire world) and we were the only two people I could see that were wearing masks. The mask mandate was lifted in our state a few weeks ago, so everyone has shed their shields.
I freaked out. I started trembling, I bit my lip so hard that I started to bleed, and I felt like my stomach was going to climb up my throat to get out. My husband was looking at jeans — he needs a new pair desperately — when I tugged on his sleeve and said “we need to leave now” through my teeth. He put down the jeans and we checked out as quickly as possible so we could get home.
Even going to my parent’s house is a chore. That’s my childhood home, that should feel safe. Yes, once I’m inside the house it feels safe but leaving my house and driving in my car across town doesn’t. The littlest of sounds will set me off; a siren across the street puts the hair on my neck straight up.
So what now?
While many of these symptoms of anxiety and ADHD like overstimulation and panic are negative, there are absolutely some positives that have come out as well. I have all but stopped being someone that I am not.
I’ve started letting myself be comfortable and self soothe as needed. I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed when I stim, whether that is fidgeting in my seat or playing with one of my desk toys to keep my hands busy. I wear headphones during the day to keep ambient noises out of my head. I’m not even playing music, I just want the noise-cancelling effect.
Every day has its obstacles. Some days are going to be easier than others. There are plenty of days where I can run to the grocery store to pick up more milk with no problems, while there are plenty of days were going outside to walk the dog is a challenge. I’m taking it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time to keep myself from losing my mind.
This global pandemic didn’t just screw up my daily routine, but it changed everything about the way our society functions. Literally millions of lives have been lost, with even more sick with the virus. Many people are experiencing long term side effects from Covid-19, like loss of taste and smell even months after testing negative.
It seems like my personal experience with this pandemic doesn’t matter. It might even seem insensitive to abstractly long for the days where everyone was back inside. I’m not glad the pandemic happened. But we need to recognize that reopening the world has been potentially just as damaging to those of us with mental illnesses as going into lockdown was.
