Being Part Of Something Bigger.
What happened when I was given the chance to empower thousands of people to talk about their mental health? This is a recap of my time as Community Manager at Sanctus.
In November last year, I sat down to lunch with James, the co-founder of Sanctus and, over an overpriced salad, we became aware that maybe I might be the person James had been looking for to take care of Sanctus’s Community. Fast forward to December, contracts are signed and my first day of onboarding happens and, by the end, my face hurts from so much smiling. A week later I’m sitting in our monthly ‘Group Reflections’ — a space for Sanctus coaches and HQ team to talk about what’s really going on for them. I stepped into the room thinking ‘oh a group reflection, it’ll be like a quarterly meeting’. Boy was I wrong! People I had just met were revealing their struggles and anxieties, and I too felt safe to share what was going on for me. When we left the room I felt like a weight had been taken off of me, but also like a hurricane had just hit me. I wasn’t used to speaking to people I work with like this before, was this normal here? Wtf had I gotten myself into?
What I had gotten myself into was growth, love, support and self-discovery. I’ve found a home in Sanctus, it’s funny how the purpose of my job is to serve others but often they’re the ones who have helped me the most.
Early 2018 I attended a talk by Johann Hari, on his latest book Lost Connections and this highlighted something for me; depression, anxiety and other mental health issues are less isolating and more manageable when you have a Community around you. A Community who is reliable and embraces your authentic self. I’ve been depressed, anxious and suicidal in my life, and I know it’s worse when I’m not talking to anyone. My mental health always gets worse the more isolated I am. I know I’m not alone in this, the Sanctus Community echoes this to me all the time, “I’m at my lowest when I’m alone in my room and haven’t talked to anyone in days.” “My OCD makes me feel like I’m alone, but when I talk to someone else who has OCD and I know I’m not alone anymore.” “She calls me when she’s having a panic attack, it’s a good routine that helps her when she can get to the phone.” These are just a handful of examples I’ve heard at Sanctus Talks. In my role I help create safe spaces (aka Sanctus Talks) for anyone and everyone to come along and be their real selves. To tell a room full of strangers what’s really going on for you sounds scary and alien but I’ve seen people leave with a weight lifted off their chests and new friends being made. The same goes for our mental health storytelling night, Stories Live, where we create a night where people can have an empowering conversation about mental health.
For anyone who’s been to 12 step metting or any kind of mental health-related group, you’ll know the feeling you get when you finally realise you’re not alone in your thoughts. I run Sanctus Talks twice a month, in our HQ comfy room, and hold a space for strangers to bring anything and everything they want to talk about. Mental health is on a massive spectrum and Sanctus Talks helps foster conversation for those who are what I call ‘mental health curious’; people who want to work on their mental health or learn how to support others.
After my first Talks, I was left with a feeling of enlightenment, like a switch went on in my head. I wanted to hug every single person in that room, but not everyone’s a hugger (boundaries are important). What struck me most was not what I had done for them but what the people in the room had done for me. I learned from them, and I continue to learn every Talks. Our Community is full of wise, kind and passionate people from all walks of life! They’re capacity for empathy and willingness to share blows me away, and brings me to tears sometimes. One time a wonderful guy (Zane) brought a book along for Africa (a Sanctus Ambassador) and gave it to her after Talks. That’s when I saw the beauty and power in what I do, we all want to connect with others but sometimes it takes that extra little push and the right environment for it to happen.
With the ups of my job there are downs, it would be false of me to tell you otherwise. At first, I thought I was ungrateful to feel sad after joining Sanctus, sometimes after the attendees have left and I’m alone I’d be still stuck with an energy which sometimes turned into self-doubt and anxiety. I remember after my first Stories Live I sat on the sofa with Vic, George, Scott and James…and the voice in head began saying ‘you did a shit job, they probably think you did a shit job too. Why don’t you ask them?’ And I took on the feedback, no matter if it was good or bad I’d always find something to beat myself up with. This pattern continued, now I recognise this is because I have a deep hunger to prove myself and to do the Community justice. But for awhile it came out as self-doubting and feeling pathetic. I have a job that literally ticks all my boxes, and yet sometimes it’s not enough. Or I’m not enough. That’s something I’m very honest about with my Community, I tell them openly that I’m scared of not giving them what they deserve. I think this kind of thing is called Imposter Syndrome…but that’s another story for another time.
Working in mental health you also open yourself up to being ‘a holder’ or ‘carrier’ which in my terms means someone who walks around with a signpost on their head saying ‘got something deep going on? Talk to me!’ In all honesty, I’ve played this role my entire life, through therapy I now know that it’s something that makes me tick, I want to support others…but that can leave me under-resourced and emotionally overwhelmed. Three months into Sanctus I was answering DM’s to those who needed help, having phone calls with people who were struggling and making myself the role of an ‘armchair counsellor’. I am unqualified and under-resourced..say hello to a massive mental health blip. My team realised this and they’ve helped me through time off, space and support. I’ve started to put down boundaries and give myself regular space to process where I’m at. I put down the role of carer and picked up the role of connector, I am not a therapist — although I’d like to be one day-but this is where I’m at right now and this is what the I want to give my Community.
Over the 7 months of being Sanctus’s Community Manager I can’t even count on my hand the lessons I’ve learned. Not only about how to do my job the best I can but about myself. I remember in a 1–1 with our co-founders James said to me “You’re an oak tree Ro, and that’s okay. You should know that,” and he was right. I am an oak tree..meaning I’m a slow grower but as I grow I’m rooting down, my bark and trunk is getting thicker and I can make my foundation strong. My role at Sanctus connects me to people across the world, and helps our mission touch the lives of many. Last month I got an Instagram DM from a girl who said our content and stance on mental health was helping her through a tough time. A month onwards she’s now in therapy and slowly learning what it feels like to be ‘balanced’. I’m happy I was a tiny part of her journey.
I call the Community my Community, they’re my friends, my supporters, my go to’s and I’m thankful that I can be that for them too.
