Community Stories: Being Yourself.
This piece was written by Brad McCaw. Brad is a long standing part of the Sanctus family, he’s a Sanctus coach and we’ve had the honour of seeing him grow and thrive. This is his story.
As Pride month comes to an end in London, I am reminded how important it is to realise what it means to be yourself. This applies not only however you identify within the LGBTQ+ spectrum but also for the straight community. For me, it’s about being authentically myself and my journey has been a winding path to become the man I am today.
As a young gay man growing up, I realised that hiding myself from everyone in my life impacted me in so many negative ways. I remember being bullied at school and called a ‘faggot’ and being pushed in the hallways to see if I would fight back. I never did; I just wanted to run from myself and the world. At school and home, I felt like a stranger, I was always on the outside looking in. Wanting to belong but I just didn’t know how to. When I was a teenager, I attempted suicide. I just wanted out and I wanted it all to stop. I really never got the help I wanted or needed as I wasn’t willing, to be honest with other people at that point in my life. That would change as I started to come out.
When I came out at university it was a mixed response. I had friends that supported me and those that rejected me. It initially hurt to have some friends reject me but today I realise that I just can’t make everyone happy and that I need to focus my energy on the people that love me. To this day, I still spend time with those that love me, and I keep out those people that drain me. I just don’t have the time for them.
Another key aspect of my journey was coming out during the early years of the AIDS epidemic. It was hard as people I knew where dying and at all age levels. In lieu of living in fear, I became an “AIDS buddy” for two organisations. I would sit with people who were dying and support them by listening to what they were going through and offer the support that they needed. It was an emotional time for me but also I wanted to be there for people; some who had been abandoned by their families and/or friends. I remember my first buddy. I had not seen him for two weeks as I was home visiting my family for Christmas. Upon my return, I found that he had gone into the hospital. I went up to hug him and he cried as no one had touched him without gloves on. I vividly remember my last close friend that died in 2000. We would sit together and watch TV and talk. He was amazing and had so much life in him. In 2000, we all sat with him as he took his last breath and all of us were holding onto him as he passed. Being a buddy made me realise how precious life is, to not wait to do what we want and the power of a hug. A hug is a silent acknowledgement of any moment that communicates so much without saying a word. I am a huge hugger.
The next big hurdle was work. I worked in entertainment and consulting for several years before becoming a coach. Initially, it was that I didn’t trust many people with the information I was gay and they would use it against me. In my younger years, I realised I would often change pronouns when talking about people I was dating. I am sad I used to do that as that is not the man I am today. Several years ago, I was working for a consulting firm and they asked me to start the LGBTQ+ employee group.
I was REALLY out at work but still wasn’t initially sure about starting the group. I thought about the work I could do on how people can bring their whole self to work and how much I would have appreciated something similar when I started work. It was also another way to open up the dialogue with other people in the office. I was so proud to start that group and my initial feelings of nervousness abated due to the types of conversations I was having. I was meeting with senior leadership and different groups of employees about bringing your whole self to work and I loved that. The most important aspect for me was being able to help people that were struggling with being open about being LGBTQ+ at work. It was amazing to talk with those people and discuss my journey with them and encourage them to participate in the group. Some did and some did not. We all have our own journey.
I am now at a point that everyone knows I am gay and that is fantastic! It’s fantastic because I am no longer the young man who is on the outside looking in. I am now a man who is on the inside trying to make sure people feel included. I am living a life of progress and not perfection. Every day, I try to be a good man and live life to the fullest. It is so freeing to not have to struggle with my identity.
I realise today that it’s about understanding how all the elements of my life story have made me the man I am today. Your life story is who you are. Remember that we each bring something unique to our work, friends, family and life — ourselves. Part of our life story is our identity and all that encompasses (mother, father, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religious or political beliefs, education, nationality and socioeconomic background).
Initially, being you can feel uncomfortable. For me, it’s about defining who you are and who you want to be. Sometimes it may help to talk these things through with friends, family or a therapist. But being ourselves is about allowing our individuality to shine through and allow others to relate to us in order to create more understanding between us. Being yourself is about bringing authenticity to your life and it allows others to be attracted to the person you are.
Embrace you!
-Brad McCaw
