Imagine the pressure you’d feel if you knew that someone’s life was in the palm of your hands; that them living or dying was something you had some level of control over and that if they did die you’d be partly to blame… welcome to intrusive thoughts.
“Mark is going to die”, “Dad is going to die”, “Mum is going to die” and the list continued. I vividly remember these lines entering my head from out of nowhere as I stood in my parents’ bedroom one day when I was around twenty, although it happened on many other occasions. These unwanted thoughts shared a common theme — the fear of my loved ones dying in a traffic accident. I believe this stemmed from having a classmate die in a traffic accident when I was twelve.
I soon found myself in a relationship with these disturbing thoughts even though I hadn’t consented. They didn’t care if I had had a long day or I was trying to relax and enjoy my favourite TV show. They would arrogantly show up whenever they fancied even though they clearly weren’t welcome.
But, like any toxic relationship, it was hard to get out of.
As time went on, these random and sudden one-liners about death continued to manifest my brain, however, things got worse when a new intrusive thought decided to jump on the bandwagon….The traffic accident theme was consistent though, as this time a sense of panic and worry would run through me every time the phone rang as I thought someone was calling to tell me my Father had died in his lorry.
The feeling would intensify if I didn’t hear my Mum say something like “Oh hello you. How’ve you been?” or “We’ve already got double glazing, thanks” within the first few seconds of picking up the phone. At least if I heard these I would be reassured that it wasn’t the police on the other end breaking the news to her. Sometimes I would even secretly linger around nearby just to listen in on those first few seconds and have my mind put to rest.
Millions of people die every single day, but as these thoughts ran through my mind I couldn’t help but think the chances of my loved ones dying had significantly increased and that if anything did happen to them, I’d be partially responsible.
I didn’t want them to die and I certainly didn’t want any kind of guilt hanging over me if they did, so I tried to do whatever I could to stop this from happening. But the reality is I couldn’t. It was illogical to think that I had any power or control over someone’s fate. However intrusive thoughts steal your common sense and reasoning from you. They make you so sure that these thoughts could actually become a reality that you become paranoid, performing rituals to get rid of them and make you feel slightly more at ease.
Every time the thought “My Dad (or whoever’s turn it was) is going to die” entered my head, I felt the only way I could prevent this from happening was by saying the words “My Dad is not going to die”. By performing this ritual I had counteracted my intrusive thought, meaning I was convinced that my friends and family were now safe (or safer than they would have been had I of not performed it). But even if something was to happen to them. I mean everyone has to die eventually, by carrying out this ritual I thought at least this way I wouldn’t be to blame. Again, nonsensical, but I wasn’t prepared to take any chances.
The whole process was taxing, yet the stress multiplied as I didn’t even have time to finish performing my ritual before the next intrusive thought had entered my head. For example:
Intrusive thought — Mark is going to die
Ritual — Mark is not going to…
Intrusive thought — Mum is going to die
Ritual — Mum is not…
Intrusive thought — Freya is going to die
Ritual — Hang on! Freya is not…
Intrusive thought — Michael is going to die
Ritual — Wait! Michael…
By this point I had to try and play catch up; it was kind of exhausting.
Intrusive thoughts don’t allow you the luxury of being able to take a step back and go “Hang on Phil, this is stupid. You don’t have to do perform rituals. You family are safe, OK?” and for you to then chuckle and go “You know what, you’re right”. They don’t give you space for reason. I didn’t decide to perform these rituals, I HAD to.
Intrusive thoughts are different for everyone — these were just some examples of mine. But what’s important to know is that they can go away with the aid of things like counselling. How do I know this? Because I did seek help and throughout the time I spent writing this blog followed by me proofreading it at least 50 times, I haven’t had one intrusive thought.
