Flaws

What are my flaws?

What are my flaws? I have many and a lot of the times throughout my life, I hated them so much that I wanted to change them. I felt so disgusted with myself, I just didn’t like the way I looked. And I was ashamed to be related to all my family for I felt like a worthless, ugly, shameful, terrible human being that would be better off dead. At some point I was having suicidal thoughts more frequently than ever before. I felt like if I were dead, everyone’s lives would be so much better, less stressful, (they could use their money for better things), and a few others. But nobody that I interacted face to face with (except for Tracey) would likely understand the way I do or even know enough on mental illness and particularly depression. And how it can affect not just the brain, but also my overall whole life and theirs too.

When someone is suffering from depression, (with diagnosis or not), you have to respect, accept, and support them as much as you can. They need that more than you may ever think. Refusing to accept their mental state, is only making it worse for them. It makes the stigma more visible and harder to fight and win the battle. Many people are battling these kinds of battles every single day hoping that they’ll be alive the next day.

How can a teacher or professor expect a student (suffering with depression) to complete their assignments. You can’t, you just can’t. We think and believe that it’s rather pointless for we don’t really know for sure if we’ll be alive next week. It’s our brain, that affects us all.

And you can’t go living your life refusing mental illness doesn’t affect you in any way or that it’s the opposite of what it really is. So many people have already accepted the truth about mental illness and have found their own ways with coping with it in their own lives. Whether they know someone who is suffering from a mental illness or maybe even yourself. Either way, you cannot accept that it isn’t what it really is. It’s not healthy nor right in any logical or wise way.

You just have to do whatever you have to do to get through it in healthy ways. If you need therapy for yourself and/or any family/friends, then do it. Do it for them and for yourself too. It’s important to everyone suffering/coping with a mental illness that those who love them supports them in every possible and healthy way possible. And this will help with contributing to the projects of removing or overcoming the stigma surrounding mental illness.

“Cuz I’m not thinking straight. My head’s spinning around. I can’t see clear no more.” – Ellie Goulding

You don’t realise you aren’t having it the worst till the worst happens to you. Then later, you think “and I thought that was the worst, well I was wrong”. And I honestly don’t know how to help myself through recovery. Even for the fact I’m still in the working process with completing the full diagnosis as it is to know what I already know I have: Major to severe depression. But it’s either another depressive episode or a relapse from the first or second episode.

Chasing after sunlight. Putting on a fake smile. ~ P5e ft. Lisa Goe