My email to my Doctor

Hello. It’s Laura Annabelle. I have the name of the topical gel I’ve been using for a few weeks now. It’s called: Tactuo Gel (pump). Let me know if you need any more info on this topical gel.

Anyway, I also wanted to share here in this email of my further and personal thoughts on some of the things me and my mom talked about yesterday in our appointment.

My mom and dad think that I didn’t use all the helpful resources available on campus but I did.

1st semester of college went good, passing all courses. Then 2nd semester came and I became really depressed, lost interest in hobbies, not much was giving me pleasure, sometimes none at all, lost my humanity, lost my appetite, procrastinating a lot being part of isolating and the hopeless, helpless and depressed experiences. Sleeping too much, lack of personal hygiene, many and very convincing suicidal thoughts which I also started planning on acting on them. Which I’m sure you’ve noticed from one of the questions on the tests I gave you yesterday. I also had many thoughts of harming myself. And had particular items that were in the dorm room I was living in, that I could use to do so.

I had realized the first month that semester that I was suffering from depression. And so I started seeing a counsellor on campus (7 times) and a doctor (twice). I also met with the accessibility counsellor (Alicia Glynn) about it. I met with Krista, RA for the 2nd level of residence. I shared my mental health issues with my roommate, Alannah (who said that she’s available to talk to if I need someone to talk to, and which that meant so much to me). I also met with a tutor (Agnes) for a few classes I needed a lot of help with. On top of that, I was communicating through Facebook messenger with a friend in the program helping each other out with assignments for most of the classes which we were both in together. I met with another classmate to help me study for my word and excel exams as I still struggled with some parts.

I also was seeing a learning skills person (Brenda) who helped me manage my time with homework. Which while I was in sessions with my counsellor (Pauline), I had told her with plenty detail that I was struggling academically, not just being sick mentally from depression; which she said she’d mention the details and facts to Brenda to help me cope with the anxiety or the thoughts and plans of procrastinating caused from my depression. Which I’m not entirely sure she was aware of the days we met as she never really mentioned anything about my mental state.

I also had my best friend Courtney for support, along with the friend, Tracey (the friend my mom mentioned about that knows about mental health who my mom also mentioned about her giving me advice and tips on coping and becoming better mentally with my mental health. It’s my brain, you gotta care for it. Not everyone in the world knows not just how important mental health is (just as important as physical health) but how to care for it. Being kind to yourself, personal hygiene, loving yourself, etc. Tracey has really been a great help and support to me in college and while I was recovering from my depression. And which I gratefully thanked her for. I’m so grateful and happy to have her as support. She doesn’t just have a seizure disorder, but has suffered with depression, self harm and attempted suicide 10 times but she made it out alive. She’s been a lot better for quite some time now. So I don’t get what my parents have against Tracey. She’s not a bad person because of anything we know about her, seizures, etc. I don’t get and probably won’t understand what they have against me communicating with her for advice, mental health related for she’s been down that road before.

So, truthfully, this is the actual real data proving that (yes) I was using all the helpful resources that were available to me on campus in college.

Which brings to mind about self love. For all of my life, I’ve never fully ever was able to love myself. Because I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know what real, true and natural beauty felt like because I never actually felt beautiful myself. Even when friends, family, co-workers comment on my prom picture that I look beautiful, I pretend that I agree but am honest and true when I thank them for the comments. Overal I never really understand or knew about self love, loving myself… And one day I saw a picture online of Demi Lovato wearing no makeup and encouraging/inspiring her fans to do the same. Probably also quoted something and natural beauty.

Another day, me and my family went to Punta Cana for march break this year and I splashed plenty of chlorine and salt water from swimming on my face to help clear it up. Which me and my family both noticed while we were there that my complexion was clearing up from the chlorine.

And by the time we came back, my complexion was so clear, (I forgot/didn’t think to take a picture of my face) and from those results, I really started to love myself. I was more confident and comfortable with myself. And within two weeks acne came back, and I didn’t really feel much the same anymore. Later after that, I still had some pimples on my face and I took a selfie and posted it online on a really special and important social media app that I use and post daily (called Happier, CEO Nataly Kogan) and in the post with the selfie, I stated that I like myself the way I am and felt great but not as great as when we came back from march break. The quote from the movie: Penelope which I’ve watched at least 3 times. Once I started experiencing and feeling that love within myself, I felt different in a way I never expected or knew and better mentally too. And happier, being more confident than ever before. And that was the first time that I ever loved myself. So, you may be thinking (while on this subject) how am I feeling within myself at the moment? Honestly, I’m still quite unsure of what I feel exactly. I don’t really have much emotion. I don’t really feel much emotion lately which has been going on longer than 2 weeks.

Nothing gives me pleasure still even now. Me and my friends went to Ripley’s aquarium in Toronto on a Friday and I honestly didn’t have any pleasure at all. I could only fake it, sorta. Being a little, tiny bit fascinated with the creatures in the aquarium. I was also expierencing many other symptoms that aren’t healthy and normal during that time in which I’m still currently experiencing and honestly unsure of how to cope and improve better.

And I’ve been trying so many times with my parents about mental health and one day (January 27th) known as Bell Let’s Talk day also when “The Social” had a special guest, Justin Trudeau talking about mental health and how it has been part of his life with his family history and his further thoughts on improving and doing everything to help remove the stigma with mental illness and continue sharing our stories, awareness, promoting positive mental health. In a small article I found these two paragraphs that really mean a great deal to me and how they are reliable sources.

“In Canada and around the world, many suffer in silence with an illness that is invisible to others. One in five Canadians will struggle with mental illness at some point in their lives. Too often, they hesitate to seek the help and support they need out of fear of discrimination or shame.

“We all have a responsibility to raise our awareness about mental health. We must actively encourage honest and open conversations – in our homes, our workplaces, and our communities – about what mental health is and what we can do to increase our collective well-being. We must listen to our loved-ones, our colleagues, our friends, look out for signs and offer them support and advice in times of need. It can be a challenge for all of us to cope with the fast pace of life, daily stresses, and obligations. We all need to stand strong together.

When I talked to my mom and dad about why I wanted to watch it and well record it on our DVR, they instantly and easily thought it has to be around the fact that she believes or believed that she was depressed in college (in her life, past tense). But honestly, that’s only half of the reason why. The other half is because of how important I’ve come to learn from my experiences; mental health truly is and that I wanted to be part of the movement with promoting positive mental health, spreading awareness, sharing my story in 140 character tweets and in other online platforms like Medium. If your interested in viewing the link to my story I wrote on Medium, let me know.

There’s probably a few other things I haven’t added here but can hopefully when they come to mind, to share with you either in email or in person in our next appointment (which I’d really like and prefer to share and talk about this particularly in more depth detail and discussion just one and one. Without my mom. She can be there for the rest of the discussion on the rest of what we are working with. Anyway, I know this is a lot. But hope this also helps after you receive the documents from my mom by email (with tests. Filled out, scanned and sent in document file). And you may wonder why I never bothered sharing any of this in our appointment yesterday. Well it’s because I knew what my mom would respond with. No matter what I say on what I believe happened (even for the fact, that she wasn’t there, and she didn’t and doesn’t know what what happening in my brain: thoughts, suicide, self harm, depressed/depression isolation, etc) she’s never been open to the fact that maybe she (my mom) should hear what I have to say, without judgments, or any other facts/proof that they are incorrect or unreliable to believe.

To conclude here, thanks for all your help and hope everything works out for the best with the results and further actions with all we discussed yesterday.

His response:

Another email to my family doctor:

Hey. How are you? Met with Dr. White again on Tuesday this week and still the same results: Major to severe depression which reccomends therapy (counselling sessions) and nto-depressants: Prozac). In which I truly appretiate the help, insights and comments from my previous emails. Stating that I have a mood disorder and about being warranted with medication (Prozac). And I completly feel like Prozac is a great thing to start using to help improve my mood and balance the chemicals in my brain. But I’ve canceled my follow up appointment with Dr. White that I made after Tuesday’s appointment after meeting with my doctor (Dr. Kao, in Brampton) who I gave the three tests I took with both Dr. White and Erin (which he has with the rest of my files). And which he also gave us many papers with questions me and my mom have to complete, scan and send to his office to analyse and discover/gain results.

I’m really hoping that it states somewhere that it’s major to severe depression and probably anxiety too. But also my parents and Dr. Kao reccomend meeting with you when you return to the office in September to discuss this further in person.

But there’s some new facts between my last email and now that I believe I should share here. And that after suffering from depression and anxiety in college after all that went down in 2nd semester mainly and even throughout my recovery time, I became more aware of how I should care for my mental health, triggers that I should be aware of to prevent, and many other things that I’ve learned and gained from my recovery time. It was a great journey adn experience for me minus not having my parents and sister’s support through both times. In which they are still stuck believing that I was just sad and lazy. But I really do hope that when we meet in September, you can clarify this with my parents. I also would like you (in the appointment when we meet in September) to reccomend ways they can support me, also treat my mental health as a priority, and as important as it is in the world (lately) as it is to me. My parents may have been educated on mental health but I don’t think they were educated on how to care for our mental health. My recovery has taught me how to care for my mental health and from that experience, I believe that it will improve mine even more and theirs too, which they will definitely notice and be more happier and healthier when they start practing better, positive habits and lead to a positive and healthy mental health.

Mental health is really important to me with all that has happened with it, and I’d really like for my family to be supportive, accepted, understanding, respectful with making mental health an important and regular subject to talk about and to care for. Making sure everyone is taking great care of theirs just like I’ve been since I started recovering. Which I will really soon. But I kinda find it really hard to right now until my diagnosis is complete and the results are analyzed with further actions. And so I’d really like for you to mention to them at how important mental health is important to me and that they respect, support, understand and accept why it is for all that mental health is part of.

Since the 1st week of May (Mental Health Awareness Week & Month), I started spreading awareness of mental illness, promoting positive mental health, tweeting 140 tweets with popular hashtags like #sicknotweak #imnotashamed #endthestigma just a few to list. And also sharing my story on Teamnotashamed, Conquer Worry and my own story I wrote myself on Medium (if your interested in the links to all three stories, let me know) which I feel really great about. In fact, here’s a picture with many others with a picture of them holding a sign (#imnotashamed). Find Waldo, but instead find me!