Coping With Thoughts Of Suicide And Self Harm As A Mother

The other night, I was triggered by too many events. I couldn’t cope, as it all happened so fast. I immediately shut down, cried my eyes out, & wanted to give up.

My mind quickly filled with thoughts of taking my own life; ending the pain. I felt the urge to hurt myself for the first time in over two years.

My usual coping skills went out the window, as I seemed to forget what they were.

As I laid in bed crying, I searched a dug through my mind for a way to cope. All I could think about was giving up and following through with my plan to take my life, but between each of those thoughts were thoughts of my daughter.

I justified taking my life by thinking that my daughter would be better off without me, that she would be happier with a mother who wasn’t so depressed all the time. I thought about leaving her with my family, with whom she would be happy.

But then, my thoughts changed. I realized that leaving her with my family would be abandonment. I realized she would not be better off without a mother, depressed or not. I am the only parent she knows and loves, and by taking my life and giving up, I would be taking that away from her.

I had found a way to cope. I kept thinking of my daughter as I lied there in bed sobbing. I repeated her name over and over and went through our memories in my mind like a film. I thought of our future, her future, and what it would be like without me. I repeated her name over and over, until her name replaced the bad thoughts in my head.

I decided that no matter how much I wanted to in that moment, I could not give up. My daughter needs me, depends on me, and loves me unconditionally. She is the reason I can’t give up, and she is the reason I need to fight these evil urges and thoughts.

I got out of bed as my daughter woke from her nap, and I snuggled her. I embraced her and felt the warmth of her body and took in the sweet smell of her lotion. I reminded myself that this was the kind of moment I choose to live for. I used that moment to get me through the next few hours until I could go to bed, and shut out the negative thoughts and destructive urges.

Today, I am better. The urge to harm myself still sits in the back of my mind, but sits behind thoughts of my daughter and how much I love her. Thinking of my daughter and saying her name pushes the urge away, and replaces my negative thoughts with thoughts of her.

In the future, if I experience thoughts and urges like I did the other night, I will say my daughter’s name. I will think of all the moments we have shared and the moments we have yet to share. I will remind myself that she needs me, and that she needs me not to give up. I will use my daughter to cope, and to get me through my dark times.