Meet Virginia

Bright blue skies; Wagging doggy tails; kitty nose boops; I feel like I’m filling out my Myspace profile from 2007, but you’re reading this to get to know me and how I cope with depression and anxiety. So I’ll sit here, drink an entire pot of tea because I secretly believe I’m English, and I’ll tell you about myself.

Sadness does not define me. Fear does not define me. I’m a happy person, I promise! My favorite things are reading, decorating with books and antiques, planning parties, nature, dancing, singing (horridly off-key), parties — sometimes I believe my alter ego is Pinkie-Pie from My Little Pony. This is when I am well…when my brain is functioning properly. I love a lot of things. I love. But my disease makes me hate. It is suffocating some days.

What is depression? It is most often caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain. The chemical, serotonin, affects sleep, mood, appetite, etc. If you’re low on it, you’re low on everything. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression when I was only a young teen. Since then I have attempted suicide more times than I can count. Pills, attempted suffocation, even a mixture of perfumes and chemicals to try to poison myself are what I’ve tried. I thank God every day that none of my methods worked. I don’t want to die. I just want to be okay.

Medication; it does not force your happiness. It regulates those imbalanced chemicals so you can function “normally”. Depression is an ongoing battle. I compare it to cancer. Why? You won’t win at depression. You go into a recession, or you lose. I’m sorry to say it.

I have two children, a husband, a dog, and two cats whom all rely on me. I can not afford to be a ball of mess on a daily basis. In October of 2015, I tried to end my game. I was hospitalized for three days. They put me in uncomfortable large scrub-like clothing. I was sentenced to two small rooms for three days while waiting to go upstairs where the real “healing” began. It was cold. I wasn’t allowed to wear my own clothes. I barley ate. I slept the three days away with no problem. I never want to go back. So I fight as hard as I possibly can, but it takes a huge toll. It is purely exhausting.

These bad days are not the real me, you must understand that. Cancer is not a person. Depression is not a person. I am a person. I love to smile any chance I get. I enjoy finger painting with my four-year-old daughter and teaching her new things. Making my one-year-old son giggle brings me much joy. My music range is anywhere from Michael Jackson, to Five Finger Death punch, to Phantom at the Opera. Rainbows are my favorite color. Adventure and magic; I thrive on them.

I get sad sometimes. I get scared sometimes. I have a sickness that I can not opt out of. I will not apologize for my emotions for I can not control them all the time. I will continue to try and I will thrive. With the immense help of my God, family and friends, I will be okay.