My Anxiety and How I Cope
Oh no. Here comes the feeling again. It’s only two in the afternoon. I still have seven hours until I can go to bed and sleep until I have to start all over.
These thoughts come to me often. I should be enjoying each day. I should not be trying to pass the hours by every single damn day. This is my anxiety. This is my depression.
Being a stay-at-home mother is very tough without the mental illness. With it, it’s almost unbearable. Let’s pick up and vacuum the basement. Let’s do a wash, fold some laundry, do two loads of dishes. Ahhh, the house looks so clean! Wait a minute, didn’t I JUST finish that laundry? I just cleaned those counters! Why are there crumbs and jelly smeared all over?
I go to sleep just to wake up and do it all again. I have a daughter who loves to argue. She can’t go to school until this fall. That’s 3 dreadful months away. She’s tough and LOVES to make messes and torment the animals. I dispise yelling and punishing. Most days my throat hurts from growling and scolding. It makes me feel mean, which I am not and don’t wish to be. The poor little girl needs brainfood. When her brain is busy, she is happy.
This is where I get stuck. My illness prevents me from doing more than one thing a day. Each day is new and a mystery. Will I be able to clean a room today or will I want to sit down and stare into oblivion? I feel that on my good days I have the only choice to be a good mother and take the kids to the park or the pool. That leaves no energy to clean a room. The other option is to clean that room, leaving my daughter to play. Her form of play is trying to dance with the cat or feed the dog five different times. She also enjoys dumping out her box of crayons and playing in the bathroom sink, leaving me a nice wet mess to clean up.
I just want to be better. I want to be super mom. I want to cry because I say these words almost daily to myself. Right at this moment I am sitting typing, but I’m in a whirl of worry that I can’t finish what needs to be done.
There is a pile of nasty dishes in the sink. I don’t want ants. I don’t want flies. If I don’t clean it now I will have an infestation by morning!
Oh and we haven’t peeled the rest of the wallpaper in our room. If we don’t do it right this second it will NEVER be done!
I’ve gained so much weight I just want to cry. I’ll be fat for the rest of my life.
Why on earth do I think these things? There is no way I could have an infestation over night. Of course we’ll get the wallpaper peeled. We just need to set aside the time. Virginia, you just joined the YMCA. You’re going to the gym on Monday. You have a plan to correct your diet. You won’t be fat for much longer. There’s that rational thinking! Screw off, anxiety!
But it won’t screw off, unfortunately. Though it won’t go away, the rational thinking calms me a bit. It gives me hope, and hope is the most important thing a person with my diseases can have. Lists also help. I will write down what needs to be done. Crossing a chore off is a victory. I will even put simple things like, “empty the dishwaser” or “put a load of laundry into the washing machine”. Getting these small things done boosts my mood and can prepare me for the bigger tasks.
Coping with these illnesses is majorly important! When my anxiety won’t allow me to sit still, I will put on some calming music or watch a youtibe video that takes my attention away from my racing thoughts. “Gentlewhispering” on youtube is a wonderful source. She speaks quietly and uses sensory noises to calm and relax you. Meditation, journaling, even coloring are other great ways of soothing the thoughts.
Anxiety is dreadful to live with. I’m sorry to those who do live with it. We will get through it, though. We will cope. We will be okay.
