The Good Days
They happen more often than I think they do, the good days. When they happen, I almost don’t know what to do with myself. I try to be mindful and enjoy every part of the day; my daughter’s smile, feeding her breakfast, listening to her talk to herself over the baby monitor when she wakes up from her naps. I try to enjoy the weather, no matter what it is. I convince myself that if it’s raining, it’s God washing away yesterday. And that’s important for me, not living in yesterday. Yesterday could have been a bad day, an anxious day, or an angry day. Letting the rain wash that away helps me to move forward and live in the now.
On my good days, my anxiety is manageable. I find that I don’t have to take my anxiety medication as often, and that makes me feel empowered. During an anxious moment, I remember to practice my deep breathing. On the bad days, I usually forget all of the coping skills I’ve learned.
I feel ready to take on challenges; a fussy baby, being tired, housework, and phone calls. I feel calm, collected, and open-minded. I can read through my Facebook feed and not become offended at everything I read. I can hold conversations without forgetting what I was talking about.
It’s like internal sunshine on my soul when I have a good day. I remember who I was before my illness took over. I feel hopeful about being that person again, and feel prepared for what I need to do to get there. I have hope, ambition, and goals. I have the same feelings when I am experiencing a manic episode. When I’m manic, these feelings of hope and ambition are over the top, unrealistic, and almost pretend, but on the good days, these feelings are realistic. This internal sunshine shows outward. I can tell when I’m having a truly good day by how baby J acts. She feeds off of my energy, good or bad, and it makes me so happy to see that she is bright and bubbly and warm. That means I am having a good day.
I make time for myself on my good days. I remember how important it is for me to nourish my body, mind, and soul. I eat well, read my devotional, and interact with the women in my mommy groups on Facebook. I’ll go to the store and take my time, just for a little extra me-time. I’ll take time after J goes to bed to have a treat and watch whichever show I am watching on Netflix. If I’m feeling really good, I may put lotion on, pluck my eyebrows, or paint my nails. These are things I neglect on my regular, not so good days.
On my good days, I don’t obsess over who or what has hurt me in the past. I thank God for those experiences that have helped me grow, and move on. My mind is quiet, thinking only of the moment that I’m in and not what happened yesterday or what happened five years ago when I made a colossal mistake. I don’t dwell on the past, or worry about the future. A good day means taking the day moment by moment, minute by minute, enjoying the little things and shaking off the things that bother me.
A good day is playing with baby J, getting things done, eating healthy meals, talking with friends, practicing coping skills, and taking time for myself. And the good days actually do happen more than I think they do.
