The Moment I Yelled At My 5-Month-Old Daughter

It’s an event that even to this day, I haven’t forgiven myself for. It was a moment of desperation, and I lost it. I finally snapped. After 5 months of sleepless nights and seemingly impossible days, I snapped.

I yelled at my 5-month-old baby.

She did nothing to deserve it. It wasn’t her fault. I guess in a way, it wasn’t my fault either. My postpartum depression (PPD) was to blame, as well as my daughter’s colic and infant acid reflux.

Her colic and acid reflux kept us both up all night and all day, my daughter screaming in pain and me crying because I couldn’t help her.

The symptoms of my PPD started after too many sleepless nights and because of the hormonal changes that occur after childbirth. I didn’t know what was happening, and so I didn’t know how to cope. So, when I finally snapped, I felt completely out of control of myself.

I didn’t yell in her face. I didn’t yell anything. I just yelled. She was screaming in her baby swing and wouldn’t go to sleep, again, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I yelled, and I scared her.

For a moment, she was quiet. She looked at me, scared, and began to cry a cry I had never heard before.

I had scared my daughter.

And I still haven’t forgiven myself.

I know I wasn’t myself in that moment. I Know that my PPD had finally taken complete control of me, and I know I couldn’t cope.

But knowing all of that, I still feel like the worst mother in history. I had yelled at my daughter, scared her, and cried as I tried to comfort her.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it. I know she won’t remember, but I always will.

I’ll always hate myself for who I was when my PPD took control.

I want to let it go. I want to forget. But I can’t.

The guilt I feel is insurmountable, and I feel like I deserve it.

I yelled at my baby.
What kind of mother does that?