What Depression Looks Like
People who wake up happy and enthusiastic every day are confusing to me. How do you actually enjoy doing simple things like taking your dog for a walk? Wait, you go to the gym HOW many times a week? It is pure “joy” (as much joy as I can muster) to get one simple task done in my house. This is what I live with every day. It is called “depression”.
Crafts are my thing. I love creating things from my imagination, diy projects, and Pinterest. But on my bad days, I don’t love crafts. After a tiresome day I will finally have both children in bed and I think I will sit and enjoy doing something. All day I think about this alone time. Maybe I’ll continue writing my novel; maybe I’ll do some crafts; oo I could browse Youtube for hilarious videos! I get excited about it, but when the time comes, I am stuck.
I’ll sit in my kitchen. I’ll come up with a project; Walk down to the craft room and stand there for a good five minutes trying to decide if I really want to do this or not; walk back to the kitchen and sit. I do this about 4–5 more times before finally deciding to just go to bed. Disinterest in my favorite things is a problem. It creates boredom. It creates time for my thoughts of what a failure I am — A failure because I can’t even get the energy to do a sit-down job.
My sleep is also a problem. Given the chance I can and would sleep all day. Ronnie has stayed home to help me out a day here and there and I will literally be awake for four hours out of the day. It is not a lack of good diet. It is this horrible and very annoying ailment. I don’t want to sleep all day and never feel rested. I want to be up and playing with my children, writing, cleaning, crafting. It is just not fair!
But Virginia, life isn’t fair. Oh shut the hell up. I know it isn’t fair but why can other people wake up and do so much but I am a fat potato? I fight hard every day to have a good day. I’ll use whatever energy I have to get at least one thing done, whether it be one load of laundry (washed, not dried), empty the dishwasher (not load it), fold one basket of laundry (but never put it away). It is a full time job being depressed and not many people understand that.
Just tell yourself to be happy. Being happy is a choice. Are you flipping serious? Depression is not a choice. I’d LOVE to be happy all day. But my brain chemicals simply will not allow it. I get so overwhelmed with a simple duty that I want to crawl under my blankets and curl up and just…not be alive. Why do people with depression sleep a lot? Because not only are we always tired, it is a way to get away from the world for a bit: death without the commitment.
I like to think that one day I’ll be like the rest of you. I will wake up refreshed, happy, excited about the day. I will do three loads of laundry, fold and put them away. I will do the dishes and clean the counters. The floors will be vacuumed. I’ll take the kids for a walk and do crafts with them. I will be happy one day, even if it doesn’t last more than a day. And it is that hope that keeps me going.
