When Bipolar Depression Makes Me An Absent Mother
Part of having bipolar disorder is having rapid mood swings. One moment I feel happy, am productive, and look forward to the day ahead. A few hours later, I feel depressed, unmotivated, and can’t wait for the day to be over. My mood changing from stable to depressed affects me as a mother, and affects my ability to be present in my daughter’s day.
Bipolar depression shuts me down, especially when my daughter is having a rough day teething. When she’s cutting teeth (which is often, because she is 15-months- old) she’s fussy, disagreeable, and almost impossible to console. My depressed brain takes away my ability to nurture her when she’s like that, and instead, causes me to shut down.
Because of my bipolar depression, I can’t handle much of anything, including my fussy baby. So, I shutdown, keep to myself, and stick my daughter in front of the TV in hope that it will distract her from her discomfort.
There’s not one nurturing bone in my body during a depressive episode, and not one ounce of wanting to bond with my daughter. When I shut down and keep to myself, I neglect my daughter’s want to play with me, and so she plays alone.
As I sit safely at the kitchen table behind my computer, she brings me books and prompts me to read to her. I may read one or two books to her, but then I hand them back and entice her into another room, away from me, so I can be alone again.
She cries for attention frequently throughout the day, but because of my bipolar depression, I give her a pacifier and her blanket and sit her in front of the TV instead of giving her the attention she wants, needs, and deserves. I retreat to the couch and cover my tired face with pillow, hoping she won’t need a snack or diaper change.
When she is hungry or her diaper needs changed, I take care of her. But anything beyond her basic needs and safety is too much for me during a depressive episode. Playing with her or taking her for a walk feels impossible because my mind and body are so exhausted.
I could have gotten twelve hours of sleep the night before, but I still wake up excessively tired. That’s what bipolar depression does; it rids me of any mental or physical energy and leaves me counting down the minutes until nap and then bed time.
Having bipolar depression is already too much, and already unfair. But on top of that down swing of my mood, I feel guilty. I feel so, so guilty for not wanting to play with or interact with my daughter. I feel awful that some days, I don’t want to be around her.
It destroys me when I would rather be alone than reading to or snuggling with my baby. The guilt I feel worsens my bipolar depression, and I fall deeper into a hole and have an even harder time getting out.
Because my mood swings are quick and happen with little warning, I could be feeling fine hours before I suddenly turn into an absent mother. My mood swings are unfair to both my daughter and myself, and my bipolar depression turns me into someone we both dislike.
If I could only identify the warning signs of a depressive episode, I could stop it before it affects my ability to be present. But it happens so fast that I can’t get ahead of it, so I have days when I’m not emotionally available to my daughter.
My daughter is the biggest, most important part of my life. But my bipolar disorder is also a large part of who I am and how I function. I want -and need- to take control during a depressive episode, and take back control of myself and my mood. I want to always be present for my daughter, and always feel the desire to bond with her.
But wanting those things is not enough to make them happen. I need to identify what triggers my bipolar depression and combat it with all of my strength so I can be a present, nurturing, and interactive mother to my deserving daughter. She deserves more than my bipolar depression, and I deserve more, too.
