Why I Couldn’t Bond With My New Baby
Our first moments alone in the hospital were lovely. She was cooing while she slept and I watched and cooed back at her. We snuggled, she slept, and I looked on with excitement of being a new mother.
Our first weeks at home together were blissful. We had a routine of feedings, naps, changings, and snuggles, and followed our routine every two hours. I was so excited to have her that even though she slept, I couldn’t, and would put pictures in her baby book until she woke up every two hours.
After those first two weeks of lovely and blissful moments, I no longer looked at my new baby the same way. And actually, I didn’t want to look at her at all.
She was colicky and suffered from infant acid reflux, and it seemed like all she did was cry and scream. I developed an aversion to my new baby, and didn’t want anything to do with her. I wished someone would just take her from me, so I could have a few moments of peace and get some sleep. But, being a single mom, I had no one, and so I held my baby but didn’t look at her.
At first, I didn’t understand why I had developed this avoidance toward my daughter. I assumed I was just not cut out to be a mother, and assumed that I was just a hateful person. I would ask myself questions like
How could you not want to comfort her when she is clearly in pain?
Why don’t you love her anymore?
And I didn’t. I didn’t love her, and I didn’t love myself. I had deemed myself a bad mother, and convinced myself that my daughter would be better off without me. There was absolutely no bond between us anymore, and I considered surrendering her to the state because I believed that we both deserved better.
For nine long months, there was no bond between us. I didn’t cherish her first smile or first laugh, and having to hold her was a chore. Her cries and screams made me crazy, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped at my daughter.
I was feeling incredibly guilty and low for not being able to bond with my baby, and that guilt turned into self hate, along with hate for my daughter. Events transpired and I ended up in the psychiatric unit of a hospital, diagnosed with postpartum depression, and finally, my questions were answered.
I felt no bond with my daughter because postpartum depression made it impossible for me to bond with her. Postpartum depression made me feel like I didn’t love my baby. Postpartum depression took the joy I should have felt when my baby smiled and laughed for the first time.
I was not a bad mother, and it wasn’t that I just wasn’t cut out to be a mom. I had been suffering from postpartum depression unknowingly for nine months, and that is why I couldn’t bond with my daughter.
Now my daughter is 16-months- old, and I feel so much differently toward her. Now, I am attentive, protective, nurturing, and caring. We share a strong bond that we show each other on a daily basis through hugs, snuggles, her version of “I love you”, and bed time kisses.
I hate postpartum depression for stealing my ability to bond with my daughter when she was small because I feel like I missed out on a very important part of her new life. I was so looking forward to having a newborn; nurturing and caring for her no matter what her ailments.
Postpartum depression took my nurturing attitude and replaced it with a cold and hard-hearted nature, and though I am realizing that wasn’t my fault, I hate myself for it.
I am realizing now, over a year after postpartum depression set in, that it was not my fault that I was affected by postpartum depression. It was nothing I did or didn’t do. I was sleep deprived, going through hormonal changes, and was mentally adjusting to being a new and single mom. Postpartum depression set in because of all of those reasons, not because I wasn’t cut out to be a mother.
I’m slowly letting go of what postpartum depression did to me; making it impossible for me to bond with my new baby. I am making up for that lost nine months every day. Though, I would do anything to rewind time and go back and be able to combat postpartum depression in order to bond with my new daughter. I try not to think like that, though, and try to move forward and make the bond between my daughter and I stronger than ever.
