Mental Monday: CSI — Comma Splice Investigator
The story you are about to read is untrue. And the names have not been changed to protect the innocent.
This is the city. Irvine, California. Tuesday evening, 9:34 p.m. The boss is Dan Olson, Managing Partner. My name’s Hernandez. I’m a proofer.
Wunderman employees are in the final stages of a new-business pitch. They’ve spent hours getting ready for the big presentation. The art directors have designed a beautiful leave-behind, and their studio director, a Ms. Segade, is responsible for making the covers and binding the books. Everything is printed and ready to be assembled. Ms. Segade suddenly realizes that the covers are one inch too short. She’s running out of time so instead of printing them the right size, she takes scraps and tapes them to the bottom of each cover, hoping no one will notice. The presentation fails and she is arrested.
Her crime? Splicing. Ms. Segade was tried and convicted and given a sentence of 25 years to life, with no chance of nail polish.
Thursday morning, 11:16 a.m. A Mr. Kawaguchi is copywriting. He’s on a tight deadline. He doesn’t have time to do a good job. He takes a tip from his old partner in crime, Ms. Segade. He quickly finishes the document and prints it out. The final sentence in his document? “Hurry in, your reward is valid through October 30, 2014.” When the document hits my desk, I mark it up in red. That’s my job. I’m a proofreader. I notify the authorities. Eric is arrested and dragged into the elevator lobby, screaming. Those ponies and rainbows are frightening.
His crime? Comma splicing. Associated Press Penal Code 103060 states: “A comma splice occurs when two independent clauses are connected with only a comma.” Mr. Kawaguchi should have known that it was a criminal offense to put a comma in “Hurry in, your reward is valid through October 30, 2014.” He could have just as easily written it as “Hurry in! Your reward is valid through October 30, 2014.” Instead, he chose a life of crime.
His attorney presented a successful “potato chip defense” in court. Mr. Kawaguchi was released on his own recognizance but was quickly picked up by the County Department of Mental Health for constantly humming sappy elevator-lobby tunes. He is currently in a psychiatric facility and will reside there until he is no longer a danger to himself. Or his Wunderman coworkers.
Tune in next week for another thrilling episode of Mental Monday.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ——
Karen A. Hernandez, Editorial Manager at Wunderman WestWundermanWest.com
On Twitter: @Goofreader and @WundermanWest
